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partner still misses him

 
 
Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2012 11:15 am
My partner of two years still misses her partner who died of cancer, he died three years ago, she still post his pictuer of him on FB and says things like untill we meet again?? i am very understanding of her about him but i cant help feeling upset when i see this. i cant help thinking what my children think of it too when they see it. we are about to move in together and i dont know wether to or not i almost feel second best but dont want to upset her by saying anything. i feel if she in love with me should she still be doing this or am i thinking wrong i'm so confuced ??
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 680 • Replies: 8
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2012 11:18 am
@paul harvey,
I get how it would be hurtful for you, but I also think that three years is not really that much time and it's understandable that she is still actively grieving.

It might be one of those things where there is no one right answer -- it's not really fair to tell her she can't express her grief on something as personal as a Facebook page, but it's not really fair to you to get those reminders that she'd still be with him if he were alive.

Might be something you just have to muddle through.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2012 11:20 am
@paul harvey,
I think it would probably help your relationship if the two of you could talk.

I personally don't think it's unreasonable to miss someone after three years - find it kind of amazing that she was able to start a new relationship a year after her partner died.

Do you think you could approach her about meeting with a counsellor together to discuss how you're both going to move forward in a new relationship?
paul harvey
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2012 11:25 am
@ehBeth,
hi
we do talk all the time im very understanding of her feelings but i find it upsetting, should she not think about my feelings too or am i being out of order? would it be wrong in asking her not to make her feelings so public ? i feel im out of order but its just how i feel and it upsets me to see it ?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2012 11:38 am
@paul harvey,
If your feelings aren't 'on the agenda' I don't think you can really say you're talking.

She may need some assistance in understanding the effect of what she's doing with her FB comments. If she's not open to the idea of attending counselling together, maybe you can find a group for partners of widows/widowers that will help you find a way to discuss your emotional needs with her.

It could be that you attending meetings or counselling on your own will make her understand that her grief also has an effect on you. Your intention is clearly not to make her feel guilty that she is grieving, but to have some acknowledgment of your feelings.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2012 11:47 am
@ehBeth,
Completely agree with ehBeth.

She certainly has a right to grieve, but not to inflict pain on you through what she is doing or to invalidate your feelings this way. She probably shouldn't have entered a relationship so soon after his death.

EhBeth has some great points about seeing someone together so she actually hears you.

It's sad for both of you and I'm glad you're so understanding. I think I would feel the same way. And it might bother me, too. Not that he would still love her, but that the dead are more important than the living.
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paul harvey
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2012 11:50 am
@ehBeth,
theres no right or wrong in what she's doing is there? its just a case of trying to understand how each other is feeling and how it affects us both ?
paul harvey
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2012 11:52 am
@paul harvey,
the other twist to this is not only did her partner die from cancer i too have cancer and sooner or later going to die from it :-(
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 07:33 am
Paul - you have been a "partner" to her for 2 years, and her husband has been gone for 3 years. So you hooked up just after one year?

I am concerned that she has not had enough time alone to work all this out.
(I speak from experience about this) What is everything else like in your relationship?

(FB is the least of your worries. People post things about dead loved ones all the time, so don't put too much power in that.)

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