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Thu 22 Nov, 2012 04:36 pm
theres this girl.we use to be friends.but i was trapped.at first, i had begun to like her alot.she seemed really nice,and was energetic.i guess it was my fault for jumping into a friendship too soon,simply because i found someone who liked things i liked.but i guewss there isnt much i can do to change the past.
anyway,i shared stuff with her(the stuff that had happened to me) and right away i knew i shouldntve.she began to craft this story about how she was assaulted by her uncle,but then dismissed it,just so i would prod her about it,and she could build her story.but i didnt.mainly because i thought it was real. as time went on,she would constantly bring it up,almost BRAGGING about it.we even did this line game thing in health class.(if youve seen the movie freedom writers youd know what i mean) and before we got to class she said,'so-n-so said that a question of rape comes up.'i said so, and she replied 'does molestation count as rape?' and i said no.she gave me an odd look and we went to class.the question rape came up.i walked toward the line.at first i was the only one,thn she came up quickly which made my skin crawl.she never said anything about her so-called 'molestation' and she started going on and on about it ever since i had told her about what had happened to me.i never said anything.
after a while i bega to realize she was really selfish,wanting everything and anything to be hers.she was extremely pretentious,always trying to be intelligent and judgemental.trying to be unique,different,in the most obnoxious way possible.trying new things,getting bored,then dumping them-uncluding people and pets.i realized she kept me around just to have someone to cry or brag to,or even make me feel bad.(like when she realized my breasts were alot bigger than hers,and decided to brag about her boobs for a week,or when she would make me feel bad about my weight)shes always trying to seem weak,so she can get inside your head,and force your attention on her.
she told me she was a cutter.ive been friends with true cutters,ive helped true cutters.she is not a cutter.she'll make barely even a scratch on her shoulders and her ankles,just to prove a point.she even wore shorts one day,and just so happened to have various scratches on her ankles.someone asked if a cat scratched her,and she replied nonchalantly-'no,i did them myself'.she burns me up,cutting is serious,and she uses it for attention.
then came the lesbian thing.she had a boyfriend when i met her.now she says shes a lesbian.now,there are many friends we had that were gay,and she decided she would be too.saying men are gross and disgusting,and penises scare her-when just 4 months ago she was all into men.shes so transparent,getting mad at my friend breanna because she wouldnt go out with her.she may be bisexual,but she has a boyfriend,why on earth would she dump him for her?breanna knew she wanted her to be her girlfriend to renforce her lesbian declaration,since it was old news.(also since shes had various new female crushes,and noone cares since the majority of us in the group are gay or bi anyway)she has a girlfriend now,a nice girl,who shares my name.i feel bad for her,because she doesnt realized what shes being used for.
i cried.but only once,about the way she treated me.i cried alone.i realized that enough was enough,and i had to escape the frienship.this year,i have no classes with her,so i decided not to talk to her.i dont anymore.breanna has had some falling out with her,and ive always been there for her.shes tearing herself up for that girl,when she knows how she is.but ive escaped the 'frienship' only slightly scathed.shes irritated with me because ive stoppedhanging with her,and that im friends with breanna.but thats just fine.i could tear her down if i wanted,since i know her really well but im not evil like that.as for breanna,im sure shell get sick of it eventually,and escape on her own.
shes made me more aware of my looks,my body,because she got into the petty,feminine part of my brain that i never even used.everyone keeeps saying,'why do you bother with her?' or 'you look better than her,why do you let her make you feel bad?' the truth is,i have no idea why i cant get away from her.i dont let her see if shes hurt me(because she always checks) and i stay stone.i know she resents me for 3 things(at least the things shes made clear);my breasts,my drawing ability,and my past that she cant use.
bottom line,shes a girl,who is use to getting her own way and getting attention because she was the younger child.now that theres a baby,she constantly searching for attention,bad or good,and will destroy others just to get it.thing is,if ive escaped the frienship,why do i still think about how much i hate her? i barely see her,why does she still urk me? why no matter how hard i try,i cant get her out of my head? i dont bother with her,i know i shouldnt even waste my time.(especially since i can undboutbly kick her ass.im alot stronger than her,and im not afraid of her whatsoever) but i cant get her out of my mind.she still urks me.i hate looking at her,hearing her name,hearing her talk,even watching her BREATHE...can anyone help me so i can move on and forget about her?
@magicstorm101,
love and hate are both emotions that require effort.
you are more likely to love again someone that you can muster hate for than if you were apathetic...
@magicstorm101,
Toxic relationships have a way of making themselves obvious. You've already realized that this friendship(?) takes more out of you than you can afford to give or that you get back in return. That you can't separate yourself from it/her says more about you than it does about her. I don't mean that as a slam but as a suggestion that you review your experiences with her and decide if this is something you want to allow to consume your thoughts.
Hatred is an all-absorbing emotion. It controls you as much as love, perhaps more. The best gift you can give yourself is to find a place of peace in your head and heart where others are concerned. No one can make you happy or miserable unless you allow it. And, then, it really isn't others who are making you feel that way, it comes from within your own self.
Refocus. Cut the ties you need to cut. Move on.
@JPB,
i dont want it to consume me.i really dont.i usually can very easily cut ties with people i cant stand,weather if i liked them beforehand or not.ive never felt anything like this before,this strongly...but then again,this is the first time ive let someone burrow this deep. i dont have any classes with her,and theres no way to talk to her unless i make an extreme effort.(which im thankful for,because if i had easy access to her,id get sucked into the friendship all oover again,because there was i time i adored her)what exactly CAN i do to move on?
@Rockhead,
thats true.which is why i dont hang around her.i know if i do,ill get sucked into our old frienship,then get trapped again.so i stopped talking to her altogether.theres no way i can talk to her with my new schedule unless i REALLY TRY to find her.it makes temptaion less-likely.but then,it also makes my dislike for her fester to...
@magicstorm101,
Is this person worth the toll your feelings are taking on you? This girl isn't holding you captive. There's nothing keeping you embroiled other than your own desire to win whatever battle you're having with her in your head. Letting go of negative emotions is doable once you decide that there's nothing to win beyond your own health by letting go of the animosity.
@JPB,
i know she isnt doing anything to me anymore.i know ive escaped her ways,and that im stuck with my own emtions now...she isnt worth it to me,and i have bigger things to worry about,which is exactly what im trying to do.i keep trying to tell myself that the things left unsaid dont matter.its just that its alot easier to SAY youll get over it,to take steps to keep reminding yourself that its not worth your time.its easier said then done...i just want to find a way to get it done FASTER....
@magicstorm101,
Yes, we will keep thinking about the people we most hate. Because until we take revenge on them, we stop thinking about them. This is my opinion!!
@magicstorm101,
Try a mantram. It can be a religious phrase or any phrase that you repeat over and over in your head. I use Om Bhavani which is a tribute to the divine Mother. There is a list of short mantrams from many traditions
Here.
If you aren't religious you can try repeating a phrase that's meaningful and focused. Not something about her or yourself but something that pulls your thoughts away from you and/or her. Chose a phrase that you can easily recall. Every time you sense your thoughts turning towards your feelings about her pull forth that phrase and repeat it over and over in your head for a minute or so. It won't take long before you're able to let go of those negative thoughts and feelings and literally turn them off by focusing on the mantram.
Well a few things for sure: she is facinating (not necessarily in a good way). She enjoys talking about events that have to do with sex, self mutiliation, molestation, and a whole lot of other things that holds certain people's attention. She knows what buttons to push to get this attention. She's on stage and you are the audience.
Something inside of you makes you want to stare at her life and her actions because you find it all so seductive. It's a little like how people can't stop staring at an accident on the side of the road. We slow down and try to process all the events, even seeking to see the possible blood and guts, hurt people - we are drawn to the tragedy. We even may change our route so we can pass by to see it again.
She is your "accident" and you can't stop staring at it.
What to do about it? You don't say how old you are or what grade, but I think you need to get some new friends. Once you decide to think about other things, you will be surprised at how the facination with this girl just fades away. But first you have to have the right vision of her and her intentions. And then you have to decide to move on.
@PUNKEY,
shes not my friend anymore.thats for sure.and what you say the reason for me constantly thinking about her makes absolute sense.
and the however we do associate with the same people,but not at the same time.i like them,and i cant tell them to NOT hang with her,but other than that shes not even in my life.(they arent as close to her as breanna and i were,so they dont know how she is.)
im in 10th by the way,and im 16.(although these events lead all the way back from freshman year to now.)
i try to focus on other things.thing is, i rarely think about her during the day unless i come across her.its at night,when i let my mind wander,which leaves me seething for hours,and i wake up pissed.
also,what do you mean by having the right vision of her intentions?
@JPB,
hm, i think ill try that. i did it a couple of times when i thought about confronting her.although it was just me saying 'no' repatedly to myself.
When she acted provocative and said bizzare things, she had an intention. To shock, hold your attention, to best your story from your past, to always be more facinating than anyone else, etc. That was her intention.
You need to see that. She means to shock and facinate. She needs an audience.
You stopped being her audience. Good for you. It will take others time to wise up. She will then move on to a group to entertain.
PS - I hope you learned to not share your intimate concerns with just anyone. .
@PUNKEY,
that makes alot of sense.i thank you for explaining her,because i couldnt wrap my head around what exactly she meant to accomplish acting so awful.
but,i only shared it with her after we became very close,after a long time...and it seems like after i told her something personal,(like close friends do)after was vulnerable to her was when she decided to show her true self.i dont know why she did that.its not like i wasnt listening to her or anything,its not like i was mean.im geniunely nice to people i like,id even say my weakness is because id do anything for them,an impulse to please people i care about.and i felt that way for her...i trusted her deeply.
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