Did I emotionally cheat on my boyfriend? What is unforgivable?

Reply Wed 21 Nov, 2012 04:55 am
Hi Everyone,

I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, and he has accused me of emotionally cheating on him since the break up. Things have gotten nasty with us, and I will never forgive him for the hurtful things he said to me. I told him that I will never talk to him again because he acted like a poop-face and wished him a good life. I'm, however, wondering if I did emotionally cheat on him--I strongly believe that I didn't.

We had a good relationship for about 7 months. We cared about each other, we said that we loved each other, we were attracted to each other, the romance was good, and things were nice.

Where things started to go wrong was when my boyfriend transferred to another college (about an hour or so away). We agreed to do a long distance because we felt so strongly about each other.

The long distance was ok: we skyped or talked on the phone for around a half hour a night when we were free, and my boyfriend visited me every other weekend.

My boyfriend used to be supportive, kind and patient for almost all of our long distance. He sent or brought me gifts (flowers, stuffed animals, chocolates, and handwritten love notes). He actually did a lot of things when he visited: brought me breakfast in bed in the morning, took me on walks when I was stressed, stayed up very late to help me with my homwork and papers (I'm Dyslexic and struggle with skool), ran 8 miles to visit me one weekend (while carrying his stuff, was kinda silly because he missed a bus), was there for me whenever I needed him, and did other stuff. I--honestly--did not do much for him in our longs dinstance. I felt like he was doing to much for me.

Things started to get difficult because of all the stress I was going through because of friends, family, school, and not to mention the fact that it was my last semester. I got so busy with everything that was going on.

It was around this time that I met this nice guy. He was close to my dorm, and we became good friends. My guyfriend hung out wit my boyfriend and other friends--we has a good time.

Once the semester got more difficult, I had less time to spend with people. I was so busy and stayed up really late constantly trying to get everything done. It was around this time that I started talking to my boyfriend less.

He got upset when I didn't talk to him for a day or so. He said that it was not because I couldn't talk to him, but because I didn't let him know that I was busy doing other things and when I was free at night (I usually forgot to let him know that). He was unhappy that he had to spent an hour or too waiting for me to talk and especially if I didn't contact him.

Well this was going on and with my boyfriend visited every other weekend, my guyfriend and I got really close. We hung out a lot more, we sometimes grabbed food together, and he sometimes stayed up late to help me with my writing papers and homework.

One time, I answered my boyfriend's message and skyped him after not talking to him for a few days (I was busy). This time he got upset because it was about midnight, and I was hanging out in my guyfriend's room to finish a paper. I told him I could only talk for 15 minutes because I had to finish my work. Myself, my guyfriend and him talked for that time. Afterwards, he sent me a message about being "uncomfortable" about me being in a guy's room that late and upset because I was not talking to just him in private. He felt that because I was joking around with my guyfriend that, to him, I did not look really busy. What he said there was not true: I had so much writing to do.

As the weeks went by, we gradually started taking less and less. I didn't have time to answer most of my boyfriend's messages asking me to talk to him. I told him on a Monday that I wouldn't be able to talk to him for a few days because of my work. Around Wednesday, I got a message from my boyfriend calling me "insensitive" and telling me that I had to at least acknowledge his messages and calls. He said that he was empathetic about what I was going through, but that I had to fit in his needs too. He wanted me to at least answer his messages or give him a short 5min call. I sinply couldn't call him or send talk to him--I didn't have time. I was annoyed that he didn't remember that I "told him" that I wouldn't be able to talk for a few days.

His message calling me "insensitive"--mixed in with everything else I was going through--made me really upset. I realized later that I did not love him anymore.

I was talking with my guyfriend a lot at this point. He suggested that I do what's right for me and think about myself + my needs. He was supportive, nice and encouraged me. We laughed a lot together and enjoyed spending time together.

The long-distance was too stressful for me; I needed to take care of myself for once. I had mixed feelings about telling my boyfriend this. I felt guilty and did not want to hurt him--I did care about him. I finally called him a week before he would visit me and told him that I didn't love him anymore and needed to take care of myself and be independent. I said that it is okay if he wanted to break up, didn't want to talk to me ever again, or hated me or something. I was crying while telling him this because it was so difficult to say. I tried to be a good girlfriend; I said that I had been a bad one.

My boyfriend was upset, but he didn't get angry, nasty, cry or anything. He told me that he was empathetic about what I was going through and respected me for telling him this. He wanted to correct any mistakes he made and do whatever he could to make me feel better. He asked if I was interested in seeing other people, and I was annoyed that he asked me this. I told him that it was not that (although I did have a crush on my guyfriend). My boyfriend said he was willing to do whatever he could to accommodate my needs and make me feel better. He suggested that we stay in a relationship for now and wait a few weeks before revaluating our relationship. I agreed to this.

I had so much stuff to do that following week that I couldn't really message or talk to anyone. It was horrible, and I worked so hard. I spent many light nights and a few all-nighters doing work. My guyfriend often helped me with homework and stuff. He was positive and encouraging; he was a great guy. I got the impression that we kinda had feelings for each other, but we did not really talk about it.

I told my roommate that my boyfriend was visiting me that weekend, and I felt awkward about it. I didn't respond to any of my boyfriend's messages or calls because there was so much stuff going on. He actually asked me about whether I wanted him to visit me that weekend. He wanted an answer, so he could plan out his weekend. I had no time; I don't understand why he kept constantly messaging me. It got annoying.

My boyfriend ended up visiting me that weekend and brought chocolates, flowers, + a card. It was kinda awkward when we first met up. He said that he would do whatever he could to help me out and make me feel love. My boyfriend wanted to try to work through our issues.

My boyfriend said he did all of his homework for that weekend in advance, so he could concentrate on helping me on my work and being there for me during a difficult time.

I was really behind on my school work. I had 5 papers to do, and 10 smaller assignments to finish up that weekend. I told my boyfriend that I couldn't do much that weekend (we were originally going to go to visit his family for the weekend, but he decided to do what I wanted instead).

I was so tired from that week. My boyfriend snuggled with me, and it felt good. He tried to be really nice. He encouraged me and got me to go to bed early + actually get some sleep for the whole weekend (I pulled an all-nighter the day before).

Instead of hanging out with his other friends at my school. My boyfriend stayed with my and tutored/supported me while I was doing homework. We occasionally had fun in between work. We ended up finishing 4 papers, organized all my school work, created a list of assignments that I should complete, and finished a few smaller assignments together.

I told my boyfriend that I wasn't sure whether I loved him anymore, and he said that he will always love me for who I am--exactly as I am right now. I felt like he cared a lot more about me than I did about him. My boyfriend was confused about what I wanted, and why I wouldn't talk to him when we were apart. I tried to explain to him how busy I was, how October is the most stressful month for me with family, and how I need to take care of myself for once + learn to be more independent. I simply could not take care of him anymore with everything that was going on in my life.

My boyfriend got upset whenever we hung out with my guyfriend and complained that he felt like a "third wheel" and that my guyfriend was being passive aggressive. He said he tried to get along with my guyfriend for my sake, but was really annoyed at him. I have no idea what made him think that--I think he was just insecure.

Towards the end, my boyfriend did something upsetting. He ended up going through my phone and looking at my calls + text messages. He violated my privacy. My boyfriend told me immediately after he did it and apologized profusely. He said that he wanted to understand why I wouldn't call him back or respond to his messages. He wanted to check if my phone is broken or something. He also was sorry about looking at my guyfriend's text messages. This annoyed and upset me a lot.

The night before my boyfriend was gonna head back to school after the four day weekend, he asked me whether I was interested in other people. My boyfriend said he wanted me to be brutally honest for both of our sakes. He said it was totally cool if I was and said it would be much harder for us to stay friends if I didn't tell him.

I, honestly, had feelings for my guyfriend, but I did not want to tell my boyfriend that. I did not want to deal with it, and I needed to take care of myself. I was not sure what I was feeling--I was really confused. I told my boyfriend that I was not interested in anyone.

That night, I had to console my boyfriend after we were about to go to sleep, and he said, "I love you" and I said, "I'm not sure." He got really upset, started sobbing, and said how he did everything he possibly could. He complained about being so exhausted and drained from everything he did for me. He was upset that I didn't seem to appreciate everything he did for me or give him much affection. I did told him "thanks for everything you have done for me." That didn't seem to be enough for him. He asked if we were still in a relationship, and we agreed that we were. It was a rough night, and I really needed to focus on my needs instead.

So right after my boyfriend left, I stopped talking to almost everyone on my computer and phone. I had to focus on myself, my needs, and my schoolwork. When I talked with my mom, she suggested that I do not date anyone at this time. I started thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend.

Around this time, my guyfriend and I got really close. He was spending a lot of time helping me with my issues and schoolwork. Eventually, we shared that we had really strong feelings for each other. We started hugging a lot more, and he used to kiss me on the cheek after we were done talking. We decided that if we didn't get together now--sometime in the future we will find each other after college Smile

I did not want to cheat on my boyfriend, so we didn't do anything physical. My guyfriend was really understanding and said my boyfriend was selfish because I told him we had a physical relationship a week after we started dating.

I did not want to deal with my boyfriend. I had way too much stuff to do. I needed to take care of myself and be independent. He was messaging me a ton and saying how he was extremely depressed, burnt out + didn't understand why I wouldn't even respond to him. He said that he was worried about me and had no idea what to think. He asked if were still in a relationship. It was really annoying. My guyfriend and I concluded that he had low-self esteem or something.

The messages and calls were constant. A week after our visit, my boyfriend said how he was having a really tough week and just wanted to talk to me. I didn't want to deal with either him or the situation--I didn't even want to think about it. My boyfriend said something about how "I always said I would be there for him, and that--for once--he wanted me to do something for him." He asked me to at least call him for 3 minutes if I'm so busy or send him just one sentence. I couldn't deal with it and needed to focus on myself.

Around two weeks after my boyfriend visited, I decided to respond to him for the first time in two and a half weeks I was really nervous. My boyfriend was kinda surprised that I called him and sounded happy but kinda depressed. My boyfriend asked about how I was doing and tried to act friendly. He asked me what was going on, and I told him that I was just really busy with everything.

He told me that he loved me exactly as who I am right now, and said he was willing to work through anything. I told him I that I really need to take care of myself and that I should probably not be in a relationship right now. I told him how difficult a long-distance relationship was for me. My boyfriend was empathetic, and said that we could figure out an arrangement where we could see each other without having to talk during the week + that he could help me with my work over the weekend if I visited him for once. I told my boyfriend that this wouldn't workout because I need to be independent + learn to be on my own.

Eventually, my boyfriend asked me if I'm interested in my guyfriend. I told my boyfriend after a lot of hesitation that I was. I told him how we had really strong feelings for each other and how my guyfriend and I would find each other after college--at some point in the future because of our strong feelings. I told him that nothing happened between us physically, so I didn't cheat on him. My boyfriend was silent for a while, and I thought he was going to get really angry.

Instead, my boyfriend sighed and asked "is this really want you want?" He said that he only wanted me to be happy.

My boyfriend then told me to carefully consider what I'm doing. He said that he didn't need to say bad things about my guyfriend to convince me that he was better.

My boyfriend boasted how he had a 4.0, was fit and healthy (former triathlete + varsity tennis player, and currently a raquetball player + health-nut) was going to start a fraternity with friends, was 6 years younger than my guy friend, was quite intelligent, was doing what ge thought was a profitable major (compoter or electical stuff), had many great friends and family, researched Dyslexia constantly (my learning difference) and met with the disabilities department head at his school to learn how to help me with my work. I only remember this because I'm copying one of the notes he sent me--I wanted to sho how hes so full of himself.

He then asked me if I really wanted to break with him. After thinking for a while, I told him yes. We then cried and talked about some of the good times we used to have. I then told my boyfriend (now my ex) that maybe if circumstances are different in the future that we can be together again.

I had mixed feeling about breaking up with him. After the break-up my ex treated me horribly. My ex did things that I will never forgive.

We told each other that we would always be friends. I then messaged my ex that I would always care about him and be there for him.

After a week, my ex messaged me about talking on the phone at some point. I told him I could do this date and time. I was so busy and forgot to call him back or respond to his message on the day we were supposed to talk. Another two weeks passed and my ex wanted to talk to me on a Sunday. I had too much going on and couldn't reply to his message.

One day he messages me about being angry and really upset + wanting to clear up stuff with me. I need to take care of myself, do my work, and spend time with my guyfriend (we're kinda dating and with each other all the time), so I couldn't responds to his message.

My ex then calls me insensitive and a bad friend because I'm not there for him even though I said I would be. That was not treating me very nice--I was feeling strained.

A few days later my ex says that he really needs to talk to me because he needs to clear something up. He says that if we want to be friends then I have to respond. I told him so often that I need to take care of myself--my ex got so needy and pathetic. My ex doesn't understand me. I just didn't want to deal with that. My ex later messages me about almost doing something really stupid and expresses that he needs to talk me soon about addressing angry emotions or something.

I call give my ex a few days later, but tell him that I can only talk for 5 minutes. He then says that he forgives me for everything and asks me if I feel sorry for putting him through hell at the end of our relationship. He then accuses me of "emotionally cheating" on him with my guyfriend. I tell him clearly that I NEVER cheated on him. I don't know what he's talking about or where he heard that from. Now that I think about it, I never apologized. Why should I apologize for something that I never did?

Then we ex sends me messages explaining what emotional cheating is. I don't have time to deal with that, so I didn't read it or respond to him. I NEVER CHEATED ON HIM. NOTHING HAPPENED. It's so obviously true.

Then my ex does the unthinkable.

He sends me a long, hateful, hurtful and spiteful message. He called me a manipulative bitch, a ******* hypocrite, and a cold, insensitive flake. That was intended to hurt; my guyfriend said that he would never send something like that to anyone--no matter what they did. My guyfriend said that he will never forgive my ex--I felt the same way--for what he wrote. My guyfriend said it was "vitriole," "low," and "ungentlemanly." He is right; he is a great guy unlike my ex.

After my Ex's angry, immature outburst I got really upset. I had a really hard time focusing on my work. I was really upset. It hurt a lot. How could he be so insensitive and hurt me? Why doesn't my ex have control over his emotions? My ex is like a spoiled, insecure child. He's pitiful

Oh and my ex did apologize profusely right after he wrote his unforgivable note. He said that he just needed to vent and didn't mean any of it. He acted like such a poop-face, and I will not forgive him for what he said.

My ex even tried sent me a message to spite me. He was boasting about getting with his friend--he said that they actually had a crush on each other for years. So, they must be dating even if he didn't say they were explicitly. My ex is so pitiful.

He quoted this text from his friend to insult me and said some lie about trying to understand me better:

"I'm sorry. Look, don't take what happened personally...sometimes ppl just mess **** up. I was constantly...what most ppl would call cheating on him mentally. But to me, I was just super confused. I still am. I have no idea what I would do if put in the same situation and given a second chance. I am gonna let you in on a secret, us girls, we don't know what we want... So please, don't be upset at yourself or her. We are honestly all just trying to live our lives and find meaning in between. And it's tough. Best we can do is to try and not hurt other ppl on the way. But sometimes that doesn't happen."

My ex is trying to blame me and hurt me intentionally. He treated me horribly after we separated. And he keeps saying nonsense about me cheating on him.

I then blocked my ex on Facebook because he was such a poop-face and will never talk to him again. I wished him a great life and didn't insult him because I wanted to be sensitive--unlike him.

My guyfriend then sent my ex an email saying that my Ex's Bi-polar II goes a long way toward explaining his angry outbursts among other personal attacks towards my ex. This was after my ex sent an email forgiving both my guyfriend and I. My ex said that he was trying to find common ground--he's such a lier. My guyfriend thrashed my ex--my ex deserved it.

My ex then sent me a text saying that he is done dealing with my hypocritical **** and will not talk to me until after I seriously get my act together. He also said that he never had Bipolar II and found out he was just depressed--for whatever reason. Some nerve.

So isn't what my boyfriend did UNFORGIVABLE?

Isn't it SO OBVIOUS that I did not cheat on my boyfriend?
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Reply Wed 21 Nov, 2012 06:34 am
Did I emotionally cheat on my boyfriend?
who cares
What is unforgivable?
the English title of a film from Belgium

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Reply Wed 21 Nov, 2012 06:57 am
Fotchy wrote:
I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, and he has accused me of emotionally cheating on him since the break up. ...

Once you've broken up, he stops having the right to give a damn about what you do with your time. He stops having the luxury of you explaining things. He stops having the right to be upset about these things.

And you get to stop having to tell him, or justify yourself. So stop.

In the meantime, I think it's a good thing that it ended. He sounds immature, selfish, clingy and whiny.

You were too busy to tell him you were too busy to call and he blames you for that? Christ on a cracker, you were in school. And you are dyslexic. Therefore school = busy time for you. After the first time you told him you were busy, he should have figured that part out, that you would not have infinite time to spend catering to his needs.

The rest of it is more of the same.

Be glad he's in your past and stop feeling you have to justify your actions. You're fine, he's a jerk. Essentially all he's doing is slamming the door on any reconciliation, hard. Let him keep slamming. Ignore his crap.
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Reply Wed 21 Nov, 2012 09:22 am
Holy crap - you are MUCH too busy to spend this much time on men.

Girlfriend - put these guys (BOTH) of them on "hold" and get your schoolwork done. And don't rely on a man to get you through school.

(Just the amount of time you took to write out this scenario is overwhelming. Spend that time on your papers and studies.)

First things, first.
Reply Wed 21 Nov, 2012 09:10 pm
I didn't even read past the 'did I emotionally cheat on him AFTER the breakup' (and damn was there a lot afterwards) - by definition, that's not possible.
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Reply Thu 6 Dec, 2012 10:32 pm
So isn't what my boyfriend did UNFORGIVABLE?

Not really, he acted out of frustration, it was wrong, but not that bad, get over yourself.

Isn't it SO OBVIOUS that I did not cheat on my boyfriend?

No it isn't.

Also, you couldn't take 30 seconds out of a week to send a short text; maybe you could of done it during the time you spending hugging and confessing your attraction to a guy who you SO OBVIOUSLY not emotional cheating with.

You seem to be extremely immature and selfish, he went out his way to learn about your dyslexia and help you as much as he could, you seem to have devoted no time or effort into the relationship with your ex-boyfriend, but were more than happy to with your "Guyfriend"

" I needed to take care of myself for once" - Who else were you "taking care of" besides yourself, certainty not your ex-boyfriend, who you cruelly strung along and would not even let him know where he stood.

To everyone who is thinking it is after the breakup, i'm fairly sure that by saying "accused me of emotionally cheating on him since the break up." the meaning is that he accused her after the break up of something she did BEFORE the break up.

"I'm, however, wondering if I did emotionally cheat on him--I strongly believe that I didn't."

You did.

A guy who, from what you have written, seems to have genuinely cared about you, and was treated like crap by you in return for it.

I hope you treat other people in your life with a little more respect than you did to him.
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Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 04:43 am
As I was reading your letter, I thought I was reading my own story, same time frame, my last semester of college, long distance, everything. I don't know how you feel now, but what I have realized is that hindsight is always 20/20. Long distance relationships are difficult, no matter how long or short they will be. Especially for women, we need that emotional on physical security. It never felt like enough to just have the weekends or to receive sweet messages. After a while of not always physically having the guy there, you begin to feel disconnected. And I think in our case, that because of all the stress from school and a long distance relationship, it was easier to place our emotions on someone else --someone closer to us. Your Ex clearly loved you, and has said hurtful things because you have hurt him --he most likely doesn't mean them. I wish I could go back in time and change what I did. We took for granted someone who was willing to do everything for us, care for us, go through a long distance relationship --something we weren't strong enough to do. I sounded like you, so ready to end a good relationship, but wasn't sure at first. You were trying to weigh the odds, which relationship would be easier to pursue. You essentially "moved on" from your boyfriend, while you were still with him. You kept him "hanging" on until it was safe to let him go and pursue something with someone else, which isn't fair. There is such a thing as having an affiar without sex, sex is just the added bonus. So in essence, it is cheating. You placed your emotional needs in someone other than your boyfriend. In hindsight, I wish I had been a stronger person, a better person. Maybe this new guy will be a better match for you, but it's highly likely that you left a better relationship because you felt the emotional/physical strain was too hard. We take for granted what those who love us are willing to do. And once that is gone, it can fill you with regret.
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