Am I being dramatic over drug use?

Forums: Relationships, Parenting, Drug Use
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I've been with my partner for nearly 6 years. We have a son. When he was younger and we first were together he took drugs. As we got serious this stopped and he hasn't since. Having a son with him has made me more sensitive about these issues. Having a causal discussion about drugs as I'm very anti drugs and he's not that bothered I said that I don't think now I could be with him if he were to ever take drugs. H didn't understand as he doesn't see drugs as that big a deal and its come down to an ultimatum basically if he does drugs then its over but he states he wants the freedom should he want to do them to know I'm not going to end it. Neither of us will budge. Am I being over the top or should I stick to my strong views and if it means my 6 year relationship is over them I have to accept he's not the man I want and I'm not the woman for him? Any advice would be appreciated

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@Raracook,

What kind of drugs?

Personally, I do think there is a difference. Pot would bother me far less than crystal meth, say.

What was your objection when your partner was doing drugs? Just the fact of it, or how he acted when he was on drugs?

How old is your son?

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@sozobe,

He has done cocaine previously and no I don't like how he is. For me it's the whole drug taking I find hard to handle. To put I simple I really dislike any form of drug taking and I don't like to be around it whatsoever. He hasn't said he does it or will do it but he wants the freedom to know he can do it without me ending our relationship. Our son is 9 months old

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@Raracook,

Oof, cocaine is a pretty big deal, yeah.

Did you plan to have a kid or did that just sort of happen?

I ask because ideally these are the sorts of conversations you have before you make a lifelong commitment (whether it's getting married or having a kid together).

As in -- "Drug use is a deal-breaker for me. Are you willing to abstain the whole time we're together?"

Or -- "Not having the freedom to take drugs when I want to is a deal-breaker for me. Are you willing to live with that when we're together?"

It doesn't sound like this is one where you can really make a compromise, either -- just a little bit of coke, or something. Can you see any possible compromise?

I don't know, this is a situation that's half objective (hard drugs like cocaine can be really bad news) and half subjective (what you, personally, are willing to put up with).

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@sozobe,

That's my problem I can sit here and say to him
"If it happens we will deal with it"

But if I'm honest with myself I'd be lying cos it is a big deal and he's saying I'm the one deciding if this relationship is over if I can't accept he may want to do it but my argument back was your the one who would prefer option to do drugs than be with me

Our son was a very happy surprise

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@Raracook,

It seems a bit odd that there are ultimatums being thrown down about something that may or may not happen in the future.

It feels like something else is going on.

Is the disagreement really about drug use, or are there some general problems around control/freedom in the relationship? have there been changes in how you both socialize since you became pregnant/had your baby? do you have regular date nights without the baby?

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@ehBeth,

The conversation did come out of the blue. He has always known how against drugs I am and it's like the minute I said if u do it it's over, he wanted to do it because I was giving him an ultimatum.

It's been hard since our son was born but we seem to be coping well. Spending time together without our son and as a family.

He works really long hours so I'm with our son a lot and I have said I actually resent him working because he gets to be out

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@Raracook,

I was thinking about this some more on my trip home. I wonder if he needs some kind of reassurance that you love him - a sort of for better or worse - and he's testing you with what he knows you think is worst.

Does he perhaps need you to tell him that you love him, and that you're committed to him? there's probably a lot of language about how much you, and everyone, love the baby. There may not be enough communication about love between you and your partner (there well could be - these are things that were floating around in my head while I was on the streetcar).

That commitment and love doesn't mean that you and your son could live with him if he was an active drug user, but there would still be love.

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Am I being dramatic over drug use?

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