Sun 23 Sep, 2012 12:00 am
Hi,my name is tracy from south africa.young black women of 24yrs.i jst finished my studies obtained ma degree n started workin in a new area.recently met a widower,his wife past away last yr feb.leavin 2kids.his 1 of a kind,da relationship we hv is so gr8.bt only to find out dat traditionaly if a person wo has neva lost anyone decides 2 b with a widower she wil get sick and die.bt i dnt wana believe dat i really wana b with him.my mother gave me an alternative 2 choose btwn her or da widower. Im really happy wth him,we make da most of every chance get 2geda. I love him,i wana b wth him wth all my heart,bt fear dat im gona die.is da a way 2 b wth him wthout death occuring?plz help me,i reallly wana b wth him
There are so many traditions for weddings for African women, pending on what the beliefs are.
Are you sure that your Mother, isn't wanting you to follow her ancestors and consequently, this "relationship" is not cultural, can't be accepted by "her" in the event you marry him.
You say you "just found out".. And, then mention your Mother giving you an altimatum.. I would have thought at 24, you would know what your Culture is, pertaining to marriages.
I suspect she is pulling one on you, to stop the relationship.
But at 24, taking on two children is alot to handle and start a new career from all the studying you have done to achieve a degree. And, I suspect she thinks that too.
I too am dating a widower. We started dating 3 months after her passing. That is just the beginning...I have been married for 30 years, in a bad unhealthy marriage with 4 now grown children. My BF, the widower and I met 6 weeks after I got married...he was my husbands best friend. There was an instant attraction when we first met. It was a night that my now soon-to-be-ex invited my now BF over for a nice dinner. That is when the attraction began and over the ears it became a wonderful friendship. In my 16th year of marriage my husband left-he moved out of our home and lived with a friend of the family. He was not coming back. I was alone for the first time in 16 years with 4 school aged children. I was devastated that my husband left. I made a phone call to "D" my now BF and we started dating way back then almost 15 years ago...it was serious. He knew my kids, knew me through all my pregnancies and knew that the marriage was not healthy. He felt at that time he was betraying his friend-my EX.But we loved each other immensely and continued the "affair" for 5 months. Then I got very sick and my children called their father...make a long story short my husband came back home. We mended our problems and life went on. D was devastated. I was hurting. But I was going to fix my marriage and D was now out of the picture. The last phone call I got from D was "he was seeing a woman. He didn't really care for her but she offered him a commitment...he was hoping that I would tell him not to see her and not move on that I would be with him but it did not happen. D married the woman. They were together for 9 years and she died Dec. 2013. I went to the funeral with all my brothers and sisters in law as D's family and my husbands family were always close. My husband was supposed to go but did not. At the funeral I paid my respects to this woman I never knew. And I saw D. Standing there, distraught in disbelief that she was gone. We, D and I had about 5 mins alone outside to talk. I hugged him and he cried, then I cried too. I felt his loss. He said that he wanted to talk to me once he was done grieving. That he never stopped loving me. I have always, since the day I met D, loved him, thought about him and wondered if he thought about me. I know now he always has. I started talking to D on the phone. It was always about his wife and his life etc...for 3 months. One afternoon he called and asked if I wanted to go out for a coffee and talk face to face. I did. We met at Dunkin Donuts. I got in his car and we drove for hours, sipping coffee and talking. We parked in a Walmart parking lot and talked for hours. Nothing happened. I was glad to see he was doing better. I arrived home at 4:30 the next morning and my soon to be EX was up waiting. It was awful. My husband and I had decided we were divorcing a year before all this happened so I didn't feel bad. I was happy actually. I made D feel good about his self and helped his grieving so I felt accomplished. D and I continued to talk on the phone daily. It has bloomed into a love affair. My husband has left FINALLY and I am alone. My divorce will be final next month and I couldn't be happier. Everyone that knows me sees it. It's the smile, the de-stressed look gone from my face. D stays at my house on the weekends and is re-aquainting himself with my now grown children who are 34, 29,28 &27. My children are happy for us. My parents are happy for us. When I stay at his house it is not so nice. Its like alot of the stories I have read on here...the deceased wifes pictures everywhere, just everything of hers everywhere. I know it was her home and I know that he cared for her, it makes me uncomfortable but I deal with it. I have met the sister in law and she was nice, the step daughter has called me a home-wrecker and a replacement and I have not met her. I don't know what the future hold for us, but, I do love him and he does love me. It is a 30 year love affair. And we both now have no reason not to pursue our lives together, He is gentle, kind, thoughtful and loving. I am trying to be understanding of the need for him to spend so much time with his DW's family. It is hard. They all know that D has a GF and that he is in love...he tells everyone! and I mean everyone...D told me last week that he is not going to lose me again that we now have the chance for us both to be happy and he will do whatever it takes. I believe him. I know that he is grieving but it is getting to be less and less talk of her. I have been there for him and will continue to be as I know in my heart that he is the love of a lifetime, my true love. He sings to me. He dances with me. I want him to be happy for we only live once and I know he knows that I will always be there for him. I let him go 16 years ago and stayed in a lousy marriage, I am at a place where we can finally be . We will get over the in law issues and I know we will be happy and in love for the rest of our lives.