Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Walter - Deciding to let someone else take over the care of a loved one is a very difficult decision, no matter how complicated doing it yourself may have been. But it is also a great relief.

Still, you will have to watch closely, because even the best (and I rank Clark House as very much the best, as do many many others) may forget or be unaware of something. But the freedom to go to meetings, do errands, get together with others for dinner, is immense. Just knowing that I could do these things and /U]that Bob was safe was a great weight off my shoulders and mind.

Mental Dependency
And I wish everybody a better year in 2008!!!

The best to you too, Tomkitten!

Diitto,TK. Have a great New Year.

I just might swig some champagne tonight. Wish I could share some with all of you.

Who plans on staying awake long enough to welcome in the new year?

Who can stay awake long enough to welcome in the new year? Not I...

Cheers to all.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
I have just been watching a great fireworks display from one of the towns next door - don't know which. I stopped watching when my feet began to freeze from standing by the balcony door, but it went on for at least 45 minutes, maybe a bit more.

I don't think I'll be watching the New Year in, and I don't like champagne, but I'll lift a glass of water as a pre-midnight toast.

Cheers, Tomkitten!

Walter--

You're not ditching your dear old mother on an ice floe, drifting towards hungry polar bears. She's with people who can watch her and you're going to have to learn about being an Independent Adult all over again. May you enjoy the learning.

TomKitten--

You're also in for a year of willy-nilly learning. Winter can be bitter, but springtime is coming.

Diane, Phoenix, Swimpy--

A Happy New Year to all of you.

********

Mr. Noddy has realized silk flowers were not a good idea and wanted to be sure I had a present I would like.

My driving gloves are shot and I found a sale at a reputable store and specified "women's, fake-leather, driving gloves in black or red. Size: Small. (He had a knitted glove for comparison purposes).

Mr. Noddy came home with a pair of brown gloves--size large.

The color wasn't what I wanted but the "brown" was somewhere between brown and black and I could have lived with it. The gloves were so large that my hands shifted inside. I wouldn't have trusted my grip on the steering wheel.

Mr. Noddy tried again. I have two pairs of snowmobile gloves--one black, one red. They fit.

He also bought a bunch of balloons which I really, really like.

************

Mr. Noddy enjoys buying things. I think next to having Personal Wheels, one of the symbols of manhood in American culture having money in one's jeans and access to our mercantile culture.

In 2007 Mr. Noddy learned not to leave the house without a list. He doesn't necessarily refer to the list--particularly the fine details, but he will carry a list.

I'm hoping in 2008 that I can come up with shopping errands for which a great deal of leeway is possible. Of course I'd love to Do It Myself, but the Male Ego is fragile.

Noddy- It is very rough when someone you love does not seem to "get it". What's worse is the realization that he is going to get it less and less as time goes by. When that disconnect is caused by dementia, it is all the more upsetting to the people around him.

You still appear very angry and frustrated to me. And that is understandable. It will take awhile, but ultimately, you will begin to cope with the idea that he IS going downhill, and all you can do is be very, very supportive of him.

Mr. Noddy is NOT the person that you married. His brain is not working properly. I know that it is difficult, but try not to takes his lapses personally. The fact that he is still connected enough to reality to want to buy things for you is a plus.

I hope that this is a kinder, gentler year for you.

Happy New Year, all!

Phoenix--

I knew when Mr. Noddy insisted on shopping for my gloves that the results would be problematic. Every time Mr. Noddy goes shopping, the results are problematic.

Problematic is the way the leopard's spots are arranged right now.

I save my anger for broken promises that Mr. Noddy no longer feels like keeping. These are projects that aren't beyond him either physically or mentally--these are projects that in spite of his promises, he's decided that he doesn't want to do.

When it can do it myself, I do. When I can't....

This is an imperfect world, isn't it.

Well, I'm not concerned about mother because I don't like someone else talking care or that I can't do what I like re her care or alike.

My concern is just ... that those 'old days' might come back.

We've been there together this afternoon, and we were even more surprissed than before:
mother wasn't in her room. But she was sitting "downstairs" (at her main ward), having her afternoon coffee with some of ladies (and one male) there in the hall. Persons, she hadn't even looked at when she stayed the first time in the home: they were old, ill, etc, she had said.

We leant that she now has her meals on the main dining room (and not alone in her room), is been seen here and there all over in the house ...

Though she still is quite confused about it: she doesn't seem be be aware what's all about. (And so Mrs Walter found it very stressful/exhausting to talk with her - I got used to it.)

I hope, it stays like it is now. I'm aware that it can change literally any minute.

Walter--

Ideally your mother wouldn't be disoriented. Since she is I'd prefer sociable disorientation to paranoid disorientation.

Not that I'm totally happy with the momentary situation - but it's quite okay for me (and it seems for her as well).

Walter, Good for you. I found it a little weird when my mom moved into her new home, too. I had my weekly jobs to do for her and suddenly I had none. Finally after she asked about getting a manicure from her new hairstylist, it dawned on me that I could do that for her. So now I'm "Madge" the manicurist. She loves it and shows off her polished nails to the other residents. I feel better that I can do something for her, too.

Noddy, your posts are making me realize that your are finding Mr. Noddy's dementia more of a punishment than what it used to be--an obligation and a responsibility. I remember a very dear friend going through exactly the same things. Anger at what shouldn't be, but is. The inability to not take it personanlly, thus allowing herself to be hurt evey time her mother did something so thoughtless as to be mind boggling--still with enough sense left to know the difference, but lacking the care that she had before her dementia.

This isn't the greatest time of year to get away for a few days, but maybe you could arrange something. Mr. Noddy wouldn't need to know all the details. Small lies here and there can be lifesavers when the person receiving them no longer knows or understands their need.

Relatives, friends in the City for a few days? If you don't have regular breaks, you will start to break, no matter how strong you are. Come on, you have a responsibility to you friends, you know. We care very much about you and we really do understand you pain and resentment. We've all been there to one extent or another. We want our Noddy!!

As you can see, I'm piling even more on your plate and caring very much that you take care of yourself. I may joke that it is our benefit, and it is in a loving way, but it is because of caring and love that everyone is on this thread. We all know how important it is to be understood when those closest to us no longer understand. Even having someone acknowledge what you're going through takes some weight off your shoulders, whether that person can actually help or not. Being acknowledged, even while standing in line at a store, can mean a lot, for pity's sake.

Maybe you should take the time to read your own advice. I laughed out loud when I read what you wrote to Walter:


That goes for you too, dear Noddy. He isn't going to fall off the edge of the world if you do something for yourself that lasts a few days. And if he makes you pay for having a good time, in those million little ways our loved ones sometimes can, let it wash off and remember the good times.

Geez, I feel like I'm getting very close to preaching here, something I have disliked since I was four years old. Forgive me.

New York in late February? My son has an exhibit in Boston in Feb/March.
but there is planning going on for a gathering in ABQ sometime during March or April, so I have to plan around that--wouldn't miss it for the world, but I won't miss my son's exhibit either. Some of us could get together in New York or Boston, depending on the convenience of both places.

I will also be in New York to see NYC friends and in mid-Connecticut to see number one son and his girlfriend who aren't married and don't have any plans for children even though they know I soooooo want some grandchildren,,,,but I digress.

Anyway, I'll be there with snow shoes on and would love some company between son visits.

Love to all and wishing all a happy, healthy New Year.

Diane

Diane- You said that so well.

Noddy- I am becoming concerned about you. Apparently, you are having a difficult time adjusting to the changes in Mr. N. Hon, you really need to take care of yourself.

Is there a chapter of the Alzheimers' Association near you? Often they will have educational and/or support groups that you might find helpful. Have you read "The 36 Hour Day?"

http://www.press.jhu.edu/books/title_pages/9114.html

If you have not read it yet, I think that you will find it amazingly helpful. I bought it when my mom was declining, and it cleared up a lot of stuff for me.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Noddy - Mr Noddy's behavior may drive you up the wall, but it will help if you remember that he isn't doing these things on purpose - it's absolutely NOT a question of "He only does it to annoy because he knows it teases".

It's no good trying to figure out what he's thinking, because he isn't really thinking. He's confused, he wants - as with the gloves - to please you, but is muddled as to exactly HOW. His logic is not your logic; it's random and there's no way you can bring him back to reality.

Bob didn't have the physical strength to do errands, even wrongly, but he also didn't have the mind that could process instructions. He tried to find me in our local mall once, and it was only by the greatest good luck that we found HIM, a guard and I. I had said for him to sit down and I would come back for him in a few minutes. The combination of an increasingly lost sense of time, and an increasingly lost ability to remember and follow instructions left him completely at sea.

It was scary.

That was when I first began to suspect mental decline.

I suspect that Noddy is coping quite well on a day-to-day level and uses A2K to vent outwardly. I'd hate to think she would decide that she couldn't/shouldn't do that. If this is her place to dump then she should do just that.

Diane, Phoenix, Tomkitten--

I'm shameless exploiting you people by using you to vent and purge my bile and venom. Once I've gone on the record about the Unfairness of Fate, I can bumble along coping.

I knew the chances of getting the gloves that I wanted were slim--the alternative would have been to announce, "I'd rather do it myself because while I know you want to buy me something, you aren't capable of getting what I want."

In the case of the gloves, Mr. Noddy's intentions were of the best and I take the thought into account. In the case of the silk flowers, he announced that he'd decided that silk flowers looked real and that I should like them.

Thirty years ago I was dealing on a daily basis with a mentally-ill, slightly retarded stepson. The social worker agreed with me that "G", like many other young adult clients, wanted the best of both worlds. He wanted to be treated as normal--and he wanted the perks of being a bit handicapped.

"G" could remember that Monday meant Monday Night Football--but felt he should be excused from remembering that Monday was the night the garbage went out to the curb.

I know the differences between the dementia taking over and when Mr. Noddy decides that He Knows Best. Dementia is dementia. Coping mechanisms are coping mechanisms. Some coping mechanisms are simply not acceptable.

He probably felt Most Masterful when he decided to buy large gloves instead of the small gloves I'd specified, but he made that decision with what is left of his right mind.

As for the snowmobile gloves, he was never very savvy about women's clothing. Gloves is gloves.

Mr. Noddy's mind is fraying badly--and the fraying is accelerating. I know that this is probably the last year that I'll be able to get away for a few days. Believe me, I'm going to make the most of my dwindling chances for freedom.

I'm trying to line up a bed in NYC--my usual hostess is in Afganistan until March and her apartment is housing Afghan refugees (including a three-month premature baby girl--who is doing wonderfully). I have some other friends in NYC.

Further, I'm considering a quick trip to a friend in Florida--although she's another globe-trotting woman.

INTERRUPTION: Mr. Noddy just came in from New Year's Day gadding. Since the stores were open, he stopped, looked and found a pair of women's driving gloves, colored black, sized small.

He's still sure that the snowmobile gloves will be much warmer--and he's right. He's happy that I have lots of gloves. I'm very touched that he made a special excursion. (Although evidently he asked every female shopper in Winter Accessories what they thought about colors and styles and sizes. He's a sociable cuss.)

Summing up, I use this thread to vent--and I'm much more capable of coping after I spew my bile--both justified and unjustified bile. Venting helps a great deal.

Thank you for listening.

JPB--

We must have cross posted. You have caught the rhythm of my outraged heart.