Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Mrs. Walter bookedher getaway already months ago, Noddy: again two weeks in the 'wellness monastry'.

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Mother is back home. Seems to be even more confused than before.

My sister phoned me again - wants to look at all paperworks and details, not to control but to see everything with her own eyes.

Said that I had made mistakes in the past, but she as well ... after I reminded her about some facts.

Okay with me ...

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Thank you, Walter.

It's all over, and in the spring I'll put a bronze marker over the spot. It's getting too cold now to start that kind of work; by the time it's ordered and made up, the ground will be frozen solid for months.

The service was very very short, ending, as did the funeral service, with the 23d Psalm. It was sunny and cold and very windy. He is buried under a tree, and in the fullness of time I will be there too.

Re: Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved
I dont know you tk.

I've hardly read your posts.

But I think (perhaps) I understand how you feel. May you gain strength from this low point, and carry on...as we all have to.

(I really wish I could say God bless or some such. In fact I can say God bless if it helps)

TomKitten--

I'm glad Bob is in a pretty, peaceful spot.

I hope you're having a peaceful evening and will be able to sleep long and soundly.

Walter--

So far, so good--although I think your family drama may have more scenes that a French farce.

I'm catching up again after having been away for a few weeks.

Tom Kitten, how you've held up is inspiring. Now I hope you will find that rest and relaxation are healthful and necessay. Like Steve, my prayers are not of any religion, but I do pray and have prayed for your well-being.

Most of you are aware of Walter's kindness and compassion even though you haven't met him. Dys and I have had that pleasure and we have found that he shares those qualitites generously with all his friends. Hello to Mrs. Walter. Glad the two of you can get away occassionally--that can make all the difference.

Noddy, you are one of the strongest women I know. Every once-in-a-while your posts sound a little ragged--even our Noddy finds coping and holding her dominion are at odds.

Is there any way you can get some in-home help? I know Mr. Noddy would be indignant, but maybe he will learn to live with it--especially if he has to. My heart goes out to you.

Diane--

Mr. Noddy is still mobile, able to get out and about within a radius of about fifteen miles. He's still safe behind the wheel of a car--and he keeps accusing me of trying to deprive him of his driver's license. He's started hogging the car, complaining that I have too many medical appointments and on top of this I insist on going grocery shopping every week.

He used to be a curious man with a certain amount of sophistication. Now new information and new people and new situations make him uneasy.

Married life is getting more and more lonely. This week there was a story in the local newspaper that the surgeon who did my lumpectomy (and a follow-up biopsy) has been disbarred for writing himself scripts for pain killers and waffling about treatment.

I didn't call it to Mr. Noddy's attention, because I knew I'd hear, "I knew all along...." and "Rush Limbaugh...." and "Doctors are little tin gods...." I know those speeches by heart and they bore me silly.

Yesterday I treated myself to a container of cream cheese with lox. Mr. Noddy fussed and fussed that he didn't like lox and I knew he didn't like lox...

A2K is a life saver.

Diane, thanks for your concern. It helps to vent every so often.

Mental Decline and Dependency


How very very true.

I don't like how trapped you are, Noddy, and think you will have to have help/some kind of break sometime. Mr. Noddy's having trouble getting used to it - I'm not sure that is a definitive reason not to have more suppport.

I'm figuring that right now the trouble to get support going, even for one day a week, seems too much harder than just dealing with things as usual; you probably know how difficult it would be to normalize by having already tried it....

Still, very difficult to handle this so much by yourself.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Osso has a point, Noddy.

Bob hated that I finally got aides in every week (so did I) but I did it anyway. The advantage I had in the situation was the support of the Social Workers at our retirement community. Do you have any outside person who could lend weight and authority to such a decision? Some health care/home care companies have aides who are really trained in handling difficult people, BTW.

Actually, he always said he wouldn't stay home if the aide came, but every time the aide would tell me that everything had gone smoothly - he had listened to the radio, he had slept, he had eaten his lunch, and was altogether a quiet, pleasant companion. Of course, Bob's condition and Mr Noddy's are quite different; he was fundamentally a quiet man, and very private - perhaps too much so - which probably contributed to his break this fall.

Hey, TK, how did yesterday go? I was thinking of you, hope it went well.

Mental Decline an Dependency
It's all over, and in the spring I'll put a bronze marker over the spot. It's getting too cold now to start that kind of work; by the time it's ordered and made up, the ground will be frozen solid for months.

The service was very very short, ending, as did the funeral service, with the 23d Psalm. It was sunny and cold and very windy. He is buried under a tree, and in the fullness of time I will be there too.

Being done is good. Of course the whole mourning process is never totally done, I suppose. Strength to you.

Mother fall the day she came back from hopsital. Was found by the nurse, but denied any help.

Fall yesterday as well .... when I was there.

In none of the cases she got hurt - but you can perhaps imagine that I (we) got quite a bad, unruly feeling any time the phone rings.


(And for instance actually now I'm realy anxiously waiting that the time passes when the 'morning nurse' had visited her - which happens around 8am local time.)

Such a process this is, very hard.

Walter- I feel for you. The problem is that when a person is in a decline, all sorts of nasty things happen, and you have to prepare for them, for the sake of your own sanity. In the last few years of my mother's life, I would jump every time the phone rang.

It took me a long time to realize that problems were going to arise, and it is best to always be prepared for the unexpected.

Some really can't handle the problems of demtia and Alzheimer:

Italian shoots wife in hospital



The Stampa newspaper (see BB article above) didn't only report about this - but published a full site in today's issue about Alzheimer disease

Walter- I may have mentioned this before. In my town I run a caregiver's support group. The majority of members are female spouses of men who are suffering from Alzheimers disease or other dementias.

One of the saddest things to see is how the stress of the caregiving is affecting the healthy partner. One of the most serious problems is the abrupt changes in personality that often happens with Alzheimers. Recently, one woman became really frightened for her own safety when her normally docile husband became extremely hostile and aggressive.

I too am seeing more and more in the newspapers about Alzheimers disease. As the baby boomers age, we are sadly, going to see more and more of it.

Yes, there are indeed personality changes. Bob was a quiet man, very much the non-confrontational type, until his war experiences caught up with him. Then there were signs of aggression, sufficient for me to send for one of our social workers. It appears that he must have been seeing me as a German soldier and acted accordingly.

Fortunately, the medication - Seraquel - damped down the emotions leading to all this, and after 10 days he was released from the hospital. (When I realized that he was not merely being admitted to the hospital, but COMMITTED, and by ME, I was in shock.) Only a few days later, came his fall, and then it was plain that he could no longer live at home.

The series of falls, and their increasing frequency, is (in the US; I don't know about Germany) a matter of serious concern, and an indication that even with nurses and/or aides coming to the house, independent living is no longer really a safe option.

Osso, Tomkitten--

Thank you for your concern. I realized several years ago I was going to be living in an unpleasant situation and while I bitch and moan a lot, I have taken steps to improve my life.

I try to get out every week for a bit of lunch and culture with friends.

Medical appointments--and I've had a lot of them this year--aren't the highest and finest form of recreation, but every single medical appointment is devoted to my health and myneeds.

Three or four times a year, I've been able to get into NYC to meet friends and play sophisticate. Twice a year I spend time in the Boston area with my son and d-i-l. This winter I'm contemplating a trip to Florida while Mr. Noddy can still be left.

I've started calling on my stepsons when they can be useful. Sometimes they respond, sometimes they don't. I notice that as their father's mental condition deteriorates, they are becoming interested in my health.

I've always been able to escape into a book--and I'm making sure my shelves are well stocked.

Dominion is frayed, but holding.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Noddy - speaking of escaping into books, have you read "An Uncommon Reader" by Alan Bennett? Very short, but absolutely delightful, with a truly surprise ending.