Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

So I phoned with the nurses.
Mother indeed 'ordered' that the nurse drove on Friday to the bank. She wanted to kick me off her accounts as well - but here the nurse succeeded to convince her not to do such.
Later, they drove to the local bookdealer's where my mother bought a voucher as present for her friend. Delivered it to friend's home.


This morning, mother phoned us: oil ran out for the central heating.
I drove there - the heating was totally okay.#
(We had talked yesterday about oil prizes, and that I had to order some despite that next month. So mother shut down all the heatings last night - and it takes some time until a rather large system in a big house is heated up again.)



My siser called this morning - she was a bit unruly about mother this morning.
Mrs Walter talked to her and explained.

(I'll talke to Mrs Walter sen and explain later !!!)


The phone was used here this morning more than in some offices, I suppose.

TomKitten--

I appreciate your sympathy--particularly at this time in your life.

Osso--

Taxi? The Craft Show wouldn't have been worth $40. The Firehouse venu isn't that far away, but the taxi company is.

We're snowed in. For a time this moring we lost electric power.

Mr. Noddy spent $500 and a great deal of time this summer installing (after 19 years) a back-up generator. He assured me over and over and over that it was ready to go.

The generator is not ready to go--but this is not Mr. Noddy's fault. It is mine, because I can't convince the power company to tell me exactly when power will be restored. Of course the power company doesn't know, either, but....

At least the power is back and Mr. Noddy is puttering on his projects.

Walter--

I nearly forgot. My long distance diagnosis is that your mother wants her youth back--and you're not going to give her her youth back.

My sympathy to Mrs. Walter.

Hold your dominion.

Ah, now I understand, Noddy - the few times I've taken a taxi in the last decade or so were either once in a blue moon in big cities, or back in northern california, where the cost wasn't that large.




Walter, hang in there. Gritting my teeth for you...

Quite a bit happened the last couple of days.

Aunt had been told last week that mother stayed at home again.
This was at the beginning of a period when they changed medication.
During the weekend, she couldn't move, walk, stand up etc anymore.
So they tried to "regulate" the medication again.
However, she looked like and behaved the very same way as she did at home .... when she "fled" mother.

Kind as I am, I've told them so.
At least some were very grateful: not only that I could read all notes and diaries made about my aunt, a male nurse even told me that he and some more got the impression that my aunt likes it there and wants to extent her stay at this ward as long as possible.

I only can agree.


My sister has been very creative with new ideas - all, of course, excluding her being there, but including not only my presence and workforce but now my monetary heir as well.

Yesterday, she finally [you may not guess it, but I only listened to her. Well, nearly.] announced that she and BIL might come for .... a two day visit in the nearer future.
And that we then could discuss everything, including finances.
And she saked me to send her the keys for mother's home. Not that she didn't want to meet us there, she certainly would phone us when they'd come, but just in case ...


So I've send her today the keys, 30 pages diary from the ambulant service, some dozen pages of medical records, examination data, insurence company reports etc etc

It's mother's saints-day today. So we gave her not only some flowers but invited her in a restaurant in our village.
(It was virtually the first meal she had since days - she hardly eats anything at home.)
When I drove her back home, she asked as usual about where my aunt is, what she's got, how long she'd to stay there ... and then asked me for the phonenumber of her lawyer and that of my aunt's doctor - since she's behind bars but isn't ill at all and should be home.
(Later tonight, she phoned the lasy who'd been there this afternoon/evening, asking her for the keys since she wanted to walk a bit. She phoned a couple of times - so I drove there, nothing serious, really, just her usual demencia.)

Well, so not only Mrs Walter phoned my sister to tell her about all above - I re-opened the envelop, added that, too (and had to drive in ton to the main post-office that sister'll get the letter tomorrow).

But like my sister said: we (sic!!!) have to do everything that mother is happy.
(The only kind of naughty thing I did to her: I wrote in my personal note that certainly mother should get my aunt back home if that would make them [=sister and mother] happy.)

Walter--

Can you take comfort in thinking of your sister's family dealing with her eventual stubborn senility?

********
This is going to be a long, grim holiday season. Mr. Noddy continues to be nasty with bells on. His last indigent snit was when I reminded him that the professional window cleaners were coming on Monday and that I'd have to clear all bric-a-brac from the window shelves and ledges.

Mr. Noddy doesn't feel this is necessary.

For the last ten years he's been increasingly difficult over the holidays, but he's never started this early before and he's never gone out of his way to pick quarrels with me.

By Twelfth Night all should be back to "normal"--if "normal" still exist.

I'll be venting.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Oh, Walter, it sounds awful,. but at least you don't have to cope with the emotional strain of a national family get-together type of holiday which is what this country is celebrating today. Though I suppose your mother's saint's day does put an extra spin on things. Fortunately for me, Bob and I never went in for large family gatherings after my sister died, (but that's a totally nother story), so his absence is no worse for me than it would be on any ordinary day, thank God.

Has your sister always been in such denial about things? Is she the kind of person who is simply blind to problems that she isn't directly involved in?

Isn't it amazing how people not involved on a day to day basis know exactly what to do and how to manage a situation?

Actually, my sister was really okay until she married BIL.

For the retrieval of her honour: she admits now that talking by phone 250 miles away makes it a bit eas for her.
Maybe, she'll agree to stay longer than one hour with mother - if she can do so (what I honestly don't think), such might bringher back to reality.


We have never been great lovers of family meeting, none of our family.
And though a saintsday had a great tradition in our part of the country, we didn't really celebrate it a lot.
Besides my sister. Who lives in a region where such is nearly unknown .... and where none of her sons/daughter celebrate a saintsday. But she (now) insists that we (!) have to observe those days .... of her family.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Noddy - I wish I could say something comforting but I can't think of anything more than "this too shall pass" and that's pretty long-range comfort - if it's comfort at all.

I don't know how you feel about prayer, but I am praying for you - the same prayer I say for myself: "God, give me the grace, strength and courage I need for today". Whether things would be worse or just the same without it, I have no way of knowing, but at least it gives me something to rely on beyond myself.

"this too shall pass" - well that'sexactly what I thought as well.

But I'm sure, Noddy knows how to handle such a situation.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
She's strong.

TomKitten, Walter--

Thanks for the moral support.

Chronic, unjustified hostility is very hard to live with.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
So how was everyone's "holiday"? I have the feeling that yesterday may not have been much of a day off for some of us, but I would like to be wrong.

I spent the day by myself and had a takeout turkey pot pie from our Grille downstairs. The turkey was a bit dry, but the potatoes and veggies in it were very good, and the gravy excellent, so that worked out well. I got a lot of odds and ends done, but more keep popping up, so I'm keeping occupied.

How about you?

No feedback re holiday from here since it was a day like any other in Germany.

I don't know why it happened (and actually I don't care about the 'why' since it wouldn't change anything), but mother was 'looking yesterday for my father. All the day. (He's dead since nearly 12 years.)

We were out visiting some friends the afternoon/evening/night.
While the wives were out enjoying the show of a "femisistic comedian", I enjoyed myself in the company of our godson, his sister and their father - a psychiatrist.

When we returned about midnight, there had been five calls by mother on the answering maschine, where she was crying for me, asking for help searching my father. That happened within a period of two hours ±8pm.
I don't know (due to her phone) how more often she phoned and said npthing - but she phoned me three times during the day on my mobile, when we were still here. (Visited her in the morning.)

I can handle such, but Mrs Walter gets some real stress with it.

Walter, this may give you some indication where you mother is in regards to her memory. As my father's memory slipped further and further back (eventually to when he was a teenager) those who had entered his life later we no longer part of his existence.

It's hard...

Thanks, JPB, for that early morning response :wink:



Well, I knew and know all this - but it really isn't comforting when it happens. (Mother called again this morning, twice, asking if my father was here ...)

Walter--

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if your mother weren't talking herself into a supervised living situation. Pity that you are too honorable to tell her that your sister knows all about your father's whereabouts.

********

Fortunately, thanks to my first husband (and first m-i-l) I've had some rock-bottom Thanksgiving celebrations. Thanksgiving, 2007, was far from ideal, but I've survived worse.

My son called. Mr. Noddy's kids did not. My son and d-i-l were driving from New England to New Jersey for a family reunion at her house. Mr. Noddy lectured him on the dangers of driving during the holiday--and on returning to New England on Black Friday.

I use an old-fashioned electronic typewriter to address holiday cards and add personal notes. The typeface was a bit smudgy. Mr. Noddy took off the daisy wheel and cleaned it. Now the typewriter doesn't work at all.

I am trying to remain optimistic. After all, I can always address the envelopes by hand--all 200 of them--and compose a one-size-fits-all computer newsletter.

Good that you'd had a nice holiday, Noddy!

------------

The nurse called me this noon: mother had prepared lunch (dinner) for three (taken various bits and pieces out of the deep freeze), set the table for three, refused to eat the meal on wheels (threw it in the rubbish bin) ...

So I at first I turned out the oven's fuses, then give her some Promethazine (Atosil).

Both helped.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Bob's ashes will be interred in our local cemetery on Friday Dec 30 at 10:00 a.m. Give us both a thought at that time.

Thanks.

(Friday, NOVEMBER 30, it is, I suppose).

We certainly will, Tomkitten.