Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Please join us in a salute to the veterans.

Veteran's Day today

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
I am just back from Bob's funeral service. It was very short and very private.

I have been well looked after by a friend from the temple who made sure everything went smoothly, and helped with decision-making whenever I needed it. I was pretty good with it all, but knowing that he and his wife were there today, made all the difference.

TomKitten--

You're not completely alone. That is heartening.

Just returned.

My condolences, Tomkitten.

I'm glad that all was so peaceful.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Thank you, Walter.

I hope your mini-vacation was everything you looked forward to, and that you and Mrs Walter truly enjoyed yourselves.

We did, thanks. Now already -nearly- back to 'normal' life again ...

Walter--

I hope that "normal" life is likely to include a bit of peace and serenity for you and for Mrs. Walter.

TomKitten--

How are you doing?

So mother came home today after lunch.


She'll get the normal service by the ambulant health care in the morning and in evening (partly paid by the mandatory universal nursing insurance), at noon the nurses come giving the medication only (fully paid by the health insurance)[but they do some small talk as well as .... what ever has to be done, too], lunch is brought as 'meal on wheels', too, at about that time (paid by mother); on all weekdays some personal from the health care is coming for three to five hours ... for converstaions etc (paid by mother).


----------

I'd had some very long talks with both the director of the home (and all services) as well as with the head nurse of the ambulant service.

Both don't think that mother will stay at home for a very long period.
(I think .... something like one week.)

And both said - but more politely - that my sister has no idea. (The head nurse told my sister when she phoned her that she only once should stay for some days WITH my mother.)

[So this is why my sister became a bit .... quiet on the phone. It seemed that the director gave her a similar response.]

Walter--

Right now your sister is her mother's daughter.

Stand firm--but try to keep your compassion.

So, Sis is going to make the drive to care for Mom instead of you? :wink:

My helpful brother came to visit my mother in her new home. He had many suggestions for how my sister and I could improve mother's enjoyment of her new environs. Most included spending every day with her encouraging her to get out and join the activities offered at the center. Yes, we don't spend enough time with her. How could we be so negligent?

I believe that she is getting good care where she is. They encourage her to join in activities. Sometimes she does join, but she tires easily.

Mother's short term memory is almost completely gone. At 98, I don't think there is much that can be done to improve it. Tests have shown that she has partial blockages in her carotid arteries. Some family members are having trouble accepting her decline, especially when they rarely see her.

Though mother is 11 years younger than yours - the situation is very similar.

And as far as I've learnt, such brothers and sisters are quite common - the farer away and the less they've contact, the better is their advice.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
My mother's grandchildren had the same approach - lots of advice why she shouldn't go into a nursing home (and lots of advice why she should change her will, in their favor, of course).

Aside from the greed (inspired probably by their father) they had no idea of how to deal with her wandering and her paranoia; they simply hadn't a clue.

My sister is 'updating' now. e.g. she meanwhile knows a bit what "care law" means .... and a bit less, what it says.

And she asks surpringly practical questions - like "How can mother open the door when no-one is the house?" (Answer: same as she did the weeks she went to the nursing home: throwing down the keys through the window.)

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
I'm doing okay, Noddy, but I think I'll just give up for the afternoon and go back to bed until dinner when I'm meeting a friend. Normally my cleaning woman comes on Wednesday afternoons, but she has the day off today, so I'm free to burrow in the blankets for a few hours.

I think I've finished writing thank-you notes for all the cards, and I've fielded 3 calls from Jerusalem. One was from a younger (50-ish)cousin of Bob's who kept shouting "Be strong! Be strong!" whenever my voice broke, and one was from another cousin (88) who long ago pretty much lost her English in favor of her native Hungarian and then, after the War, in favor of Hebrew, when she moved to Israel. So that conversation tended to be mostly tears.

The third was from a younger (again,50-ish) cousin. We didn't talk long, because we are in frequent email contact, so that was the easiest one to deal with.

My parents are 83 and 84. They still live on their own. Soon they will need care.

Did I mention they are both extremely stubborn (mostly) Germans? It's unfortunate but to protect my own sanity and that of my wife, we are going to have to wait for them to admit they need help. Which may never happen.

No.

I don't think age is generally and alone a parameter if you can or can't live alone - many in their 60's moved in an assisted living, and many over 90's and older are doing fine without any care from others.


Certainly it's better to look forward .... and beyond one's own nose = own actual health status.

There's no conflict there, Walter. I'm an 11th generation American but my parents were both mostly English.

Is your sister visiting your mother each day now?

Tomkitten, I'm glad you are giving yourself a chance to burrow in the blankets. May they give you warmth and a chance to catch some rest.

cjhsa -- you may have a long road ahead of you. Waiting for someone to admit they need help can be a very long wait indeed.

She's phoning a couple of times per day ... and seems to consider to come over one weekend ... shortly or in nearer future, when BIL has time.
(She has family and can't leave her husband and 19-years old son alone at home, you know.)

Oh, and her older children, niece and nephew plus spooses, are so engaged in their jobs that they don't have time to phone or write.

That's the "greatest generation" for you though. Until they simply cannot care for themselves they want nothing to do with assisted living. Oddly their slightly younger siblings don't feel this way.

Swimpy--

Your brother sounds like a gem. He's obviously the executive type. Aren't you lucky he lives at a distance.

TomKitten--

You deserve a break from life right now.

************

Mr. Noddy is getting more and more possessive about "his" car. (We're a one car couple these days). Yesterday I had two rather important medical appointments, back to back. I left the house at 10:15 and was back by 1:45. He complained that he hadn't had a chance to jabber with his coffee buddies--and that I kept using the car for medical appointments and grocery shopping.

Impaired judgement can be damned hard to live with.