Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Walter- No, it is not harsh. I went through something similar with my mother. As her decline became more profound, I found myself spending less and less time with her. In fact towards the last months of her life, when I went to her assisted living facility, I found that basically I was talking to staff, and making sure that her needs were met. I would then pop in for a few minutes to say "hello", and leave.

I think that there reaches a point where one needs to begin to separate. Spending more time with your mother will not enhance her life appreciably, and may just become problematic for you.

Well, of course I KNOW this :wink:

Hey, nobody said it is easy to become your mother's parent!

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Bob kept picking at the wrapping of his cast and weak though he is, he managed to get it fairly well undone, so they put a plastic boot on his leg. It has an inflatable lining to keep pressure on the ankle, but the amount of pressure is guesswork. It was too much which was why he was in such severe pain, so they pumped out some of the air and he was immediately more comfortable.

However, he isn't eating - except the grapes I bring him regularly - and he seems further and further away. Some of this is, of course, due to the painkillers which keep him drowsy, but I dunno - it seems to me a bit more than that.

The Hospice nurse is now visiting him three times a week instead of once. I don't know if that's because of the ankle or what. I think I'll call her tomorrow.

Walter - No, not harsh. Essential for your sanity. It's very difficult to find the balance between guilt at not staying longer or going more often, and stress over leaving so early in the visit. But sanity lies in the middle of these two things. You are not guilty of anything, and for your own sake - and, indirectly for your mother's - you have to keep the stress at a minimum.

Now, if I can just follow my own advice...

Walter--

Your mother wants her youth back--and you can't give her youth back. Of course, you never took her youth, either.


TomKitten--

What did the hospice worker say?

The inflation on those pillow casts is tricky, even when the patient is aware and awake. Been there, done that.

You're certainly right, Noddy here (re my mother) and elsewhere.

Had had the start of a most probably longer dispute with the social worker (actually a 'social education worke' [social pedagogue]). She thinks, it would be the best for aunt to go back in theirhouse after her hospital stay, we could make some changes at the home (for mother) ...

She even didn't know that aunt is their voluntarily and not by a court order.

Well, I was very polite and just gave her some (!) facts ...

Walter--

Could Social Education Worker be trying to save public money?

At least the old girls have a Knight in Shining Armor to tilt with the local bureaucracy.

Hold your dominion.

No, not really - it's all paid by the health insurance.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Checking in:

Walter, how are your ladies? Are things calming down, and is Mrs Walter getting over her surgery well?

Noddy - What's the latest on Mr Noddy? And are you hanging in there?

I've been trying to meet people for dinner a few times a week, but yesterday after I'd had to leave the table early (one of the group was 20 minutes late) to see Bob before his evening pain pill knocked him out (didn't get there in time, dammit) I came home and realized that I had no one to talk to about the dinner: to laugh with at the lady who, though interesting, was a mad motor-mouth, to tell about the Spilling Of The Wine when motor-mouth and my neighbor discovered that they were descended from the same Mayflower pilgrim. . . I guess I knew this all along, but it hit me suddenly and hard.

Right now Bob doesn't speak; sometimes he opens his eyes a little when I touch him, but mostly not. It's the Alzheimer's plus the painkillers. How will he be when the pills are no longer needed?

I really can understand how you must feel, Tomkitten.



Mrs Walter is doing fairly fine, though she shouldn't have eaen the meal (dinner/lunch) with my mother today ...

Well, mother is still waiting that I arrive with a suitcase to bring her home.
Little progress is made, since she now lives her room (with me).
She gets visits by other people living there - which is noted in the nurse's diary, but what she doesn't tell us.

Today, we tried it again: Mrs Walter stayed with her all morning until early afternoon, went to mass with, had the meal in general dining room ...

It seem, she didn't like that - because most persons know her by sigh/name or even personally.

Afterwards, we walked through the house's little park; wasn't that good neither.

A (male) head nurse confirmed what I already knew: it can take up to a year or longer with slightly dement persons that they accept the situation.
Longer with those, who got it worse.
And then there's mother, topping that with her little piggy head ...

News about aunt tomorrow, when we've been there again.

Will there be someone you can have recourse to above the social educator, Walter, if it comes to that? (I presume the doctors).

Hi Walter. Email not working. Just read about the situation. Thinking of you all.

Tomkitten--

My heart aches for you. Loneliness is having no one to share experiences with.

Walter--

Your mother is a bit of a devious old girl, isn't she? She reminds me a bit of Dicken's Mrs. Gummidge in David Copperfield who announces regularly, "I'm a poor, lorn creetur and everything goes contrary with me." Mrs. G. was another tough old biddy.

*******

Weather for the next week is sunny--although also windy with seasonal temperatures. I'm starting the annual pre-winter nag about getting the yard and car in shape for snow and ice.

I swear, if Mr. Noddy were in San Diego last week he'd have been fiddling away.

Mental decline
Exactly, Noddy.

That's very good news Walter. Very good news.

Tomkitten, I know it's not the same of course but, thankfully, you've always got A2K. Since my mother passed away in 2001, it hit me like a ton of bricks that all my life she had been my closest confidant. I have always had good friends and close family members but my mother, hell, I could talk to her about THEM too.

Now that she's gone, sometimes it feels like I have no one to talk to but the last few years, I've brought personal situations online, from my brother's death to bitching about my stepchildren, and Noddy and Phoenix and Soz and Mr. Walter, and many others, even the old Bear and those bad boys Kicky and Slappy, have been there for me.

Thank goodness for A2K.

Walter--

You obviously inherited some of your mother's devious genes and your generation has the New & Revised, sly-like-a-fox bells & whistles.

Even false pride can be very useful.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Walter - You are certainly one sly fox! So the prospects for the future of your mother and aunt definitely sound better. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it's onward and upward from now on.

eoe - A2K is a lifesaver.

eoe- Thanks for the vote of confidence. I get great pleasure in knowing that some of the insights that I have gleaned in my travels have been of help to another person.

Eoe--

Thanks for the kind words.