Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

She told me that they'll get new phone numbers.
And at the second call in the afternoon, she was very upset that mother has to stay alone in the big house not only for so many hours but especially at night.
I told her, I knew that.
She then tried again with some different remarks to send me on the git trip.

Neither that helped - nor did she offered any :wink:

--------------

When I was there tonight, she didn't ask at all about hers sister/my aunt.
And it didn't seem that she was more confused than before.

I don't know how long this situation will last, but I'm pretty sure (now) that it will end with a relief for all .... in a hopefully not too far future

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Here we go again - no notifications for days! Which is why I haven't inquired how Mrs Walter and the rest of his harem are doing. so I'm very glad to hear that Having that load off your mind, Walter, must lighten things up quite a bit for you.

Clark House had meetings this week with families of patients - just 20 minutes each, but it covered a wide range - and the last thing they did was give me a Hospice brochure and suggest setting up an interview. So I did, and while Bob isn't quite there yet, it's very much in the cards.

I think the Hospice nurse (who was very kind and patient and helpful) might have been a bit surprised when I said I was sad, but not angry; she seemed to expect that I would be angry. But why? Everyone dies; it's how we're made, and if it isn't one way it's another. He is being kept out of pain - and his pain was horribly severe; he is safe; he is really well cared for by the most caring of people. I am angry only when I see something not right - like the aide leaving him in a johnny, no socks, even, to suffer considerable cold (and believe me that's been taken care of). I am terribly sad, and hideously lonesome, but I'm not angry over all that. What I am angry at is, of course, Hitler whose machinations caused so much of his misery.

I'm an evolutionist, not a creationist, and I truly believe that whatever God may have done to start things going, He then sat back and let them get on with it, changing slowly over the millions of years as best they could. We are the current result, and none of our parts last forever. I don't think Alzheimer's is a vengeful bolt from heaven; I don't think a really rotten heart is punishment for some past sin; I think these are just some of the ways in which our physiology breaks down, in the normal course of events. I think God provides strength when asked for it, but not, in general, miracles.

Maybe this should have gone in the Religion forum, but I think it fits here - some of you will agree with me, some will not, and some may well think I'm uncaring, but I know that when he dies I'll be devastated.

So thank you for listening to my emotional spillover!

Unfamiliar computer. Will be brief.

Walter--

Glad the operation went well. When will she be able to come home?

Cjhsa--

Sorry to hear about your mother. Does she live close by? Do you have brothers and sisters who can be of help?

TomKitten--

Anger is a common reaction to death--one of the classic stages of grieving. Alzheimer's is a slow, slow living death and you worked the anger out of your system a long time ago.

Remember, the Hospice Worker is accummulating wisdom on-the-job.
She's not finished yet.

Mental decline


Actually, we have seen the existence of miracles: Years ago Bob had prostate cancer, fast moving, and advanced. Three shots of Lupron and it disappeared. Totally. The doctor said it was a miracle (not a man given to hyperbole, very down to earth) and we believe it.

On Tuesday, we think (but there's a weekend inbetween ...)


Have been to the psychiatric hospital re my aunt today.

She's at the "clinical geronto-psychiatric ward", as expected.


I know such hospitals .... so I knew in advance, how it ould go on.

Had to ring a bell, no-one really wanted to tel me something, then I was introduced to the social worker ... and made the terrible mistake to tell her that I was one, too, stopping shortly to go o and explain my expriences ... .
Well, visiting hours are only at weekends and after work/therapy.
So I was too early.
She's no doctor, could tell me anything beyond I knew.
Reserved-friendly she accepted the informations I gave her.
When I told her that I didn't want to visit my aunt today, because I wanted her to get settled in the new surroundings ... I'll see er again on Monday to get some more infos. (On Monday, the head of that hospital department will see my aunt.)

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Sounds like you've got a long, slow weekend ahead of you, Walter, but things do seem to be moving, however snail-like.

Bob was in exactly the same sort of hospital last month. I hope your aunt is treated as kindly as he was.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
I just returned from a visit with Bob to find a message from Hospice, saying he is eligible for their services.

I wasn't prepared for this quite so soon - the extremely helpful Hospice nurse I met only yesterday didn't think he was ready just yet - but after talking more with his nurses and God knows who else - I didn't take in all the details - he was deemed eligible, so, more paperwork...

I am relieved in some ways, but of course it's a shock - these things always are, when they actually happen, aren't they!

He is so well cared for already at Clark House that it's hard to see how he could be looked after any better, but if anyone can do it, it would be Hospice. I know I haven't always thought too well of Hospice, but apparently my previous contact was just unlucky. This woman was clear and open, informative and very very kind.

So I'm counting on them to help us both through this.

Not really and no. I jumped into this thread to remind myself to come back and look at it, as this is something most everyone has to go through.

Tomkitten- A lot of people equate Hospice=on the way out. In fact, my mom was on Hospice for 2+ years. The problems is that for the average person not familiar with Hospice, the idea is extremely emotionally charged.

What happens is that under Hospice, your husband will be eligible for all sorts of services, including medical, nursing and social work care, physical therapy, and aide services, as well as any other that he might require. It is paid for through Medicare. In my mom's case, hospice paid for all the medications that were related to the diagnosis that made her eligible for the service. At the end of six months, he will be reevaluated, and if he stilll meets the criteria, he will continue to receive the services.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Thanks, Phoenix.

Your summary is very helpful. Bob has been getting a lot of these things paid for by Medicare, but that has run its basic 30-day coverage, and his long-term insurance is supposed to have kicked in. I assume that the LTC will now drop into the background, as Medicare picks up again.

Now I have to explain Hospice to our Israeli relatives. I don't know whether they have it there (I bet they do, though, or something similar) and if not how to tell them that he's not at death's door.

I knew perfectly well that Hospice doesn't mean imminent death (though Bob would truly prefer sooner rather than later, which is reasonable, given his condition), but I think I needed reminding; your post was most timely. I am having dinner in our Grille this evening, with friends (with our same surname just spelt differently- live in same wing, on same floor, along same corridor, get each other's mail and phone calls all the time), and this reminder will help me get through my social responsibilities more easily.

So truly, thanks again.

cjhsa--

Archtypal events such as the death of a parent may be common fodder for humanity, but each such death is an enforced rite of passage for each individual.

"Inevitable" doesn't mean "easy."

Tomkitten--

I hope this transition time is becoming a New Normal for you.

Hold your dominion.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Well, I'm not sure I like the New Normal so much. I supposed I'll get used to it in time, but we both miss the Old pretty badly.

Tomkitten--

You and Bob built the Old Normal together. The New Normal has been foisted upon you.

You're the sort of woman who can make a comfortable, shared home in a Normal of any vintage.

Hold your dominion.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Well, one aspect of my situation is that with Bob in the nursing home component of our complex, I'm no longer sharing my home with anyone and it feels awfully empty. We married late and have no children. My relatives don't live in Massachusetts, and Bob's live in Israel. My closest relatives are, thank God, of my generation - first cousins. Bob's are much younger, being the next generation, and his oldest friends live in California.

Moving to this retirement community was one of the best decisions we ever made; it's large, and we have friends here. I am lonesome within my own four walls, but outside the apartment there are people with whom to interact. I shudder to think what things would be like if I were living alone in our old condo. And - again thank God - I can walk down and see him whenever I want. In fact, I'm going over soon to have dinner with him. Clark House residents have trays in their rooms unless they need help eating, and I can be a guest as often as I like, with a tray brought in for me as well. It ain't the Ritz, but then I don't go there for the food: I go for the company.

Tomorrow I will meet with the Hospice nurse and sign all kinds of papers - I seem to have been doing nothing BUT sign papers for the last six weeks! Anyway, I'm thankful that the Hospice arrangement has been approved. In a sense it will be a buffer between us and the ultimate reality .

Tomkitten--

How are you doing?

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Hi, Noddy -

I'm doing okay, but with a tendency to find myself in tears without warning.

So - I signed the Hospice papers (they may have been a bit damp by the time everything was finished) on Monday. The Hospice nurse was very kind and very thorough, making sure I understood everything - all the services they provide, and so on - and I doubt I remember half of it. But she gave me a large booklet which explains it all over again, fortunately.

Bob is somewhat brighter, having regained a (relatively) good deal of physical health, compared to his condition when he arrived at Clark House. This helps with conversation, since having more energy, he doesn't have to struggle so much to comprehend what he hears.

I asked the Hospice nurse what tipped the decision in favor of Hospice, and she said it was his physical condition; his mental condition wasn't quite bad enough to qualify yet.Whatever.

This afternoon I will take his old family photographs - only a few survived the war - and put them on his chest of drawers. The TV will be removed, since it just sits there, unpaid and unused, and that will make a good space. He can't really see the pix, but he can handle them, and with the aid of a magnifying glass, knowing what he's looking at, can sometimes make out a little of the faces.

He seems to be more accepting of his situation; whether he's less aware or more resigned, I can't tell. The Hospice nurse says he is not capable of thinking about his future; I hope she's right.

Anyway, when he feels better, I feel better, and I guess that sums it all up.

Asking that as well ...

-----------------------

I've been to the psychiatric hospital now three times, yesterday and today especially for bringing some fresh clothes etc.

While yesterday my aunt just ignored me, today she spoke even more then the last seven weeks together. (Well, nearly :wink: )

And the hospital (who ever there) came to the same result as we did: she doesn't drink (and eat) enough and just stays in bed.

They can do better as I could at home: she getting now infusions re nutrition and liquid. And get an air-mattress.



Mother gets more and more 'lonely', asked me (and today, on her first day off the hospital herself) Mrs Walter if we would stay at hers ...

Walter, how is Mrs Walter?

Tomkitten, your story brought tears to my eyes as well. Don't forget to take care of yourself through all this.

Not too bad - her migraine isn't hopsital related.
(But she's still a bit weak: was at the doctor's this morning, at mother's and at aunt's hospital - two hours in the car altogether.)

Tomkitten--

Check with a copy shop. It might be possible to enlarge your family pictures so that Bob could see them.

Neither wife nor widow, but bravely coping with both states of being. You have my admiration.

Walter--

I'm glad Mrs. Walter is out of the hospital. I'm glad your mother is getting a bit lonesome. I'm very glad your aunt is getting professional care. Still, you're going to have A Winter With Bells On.