Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

My mom has gotten to the point, where I am observing a higher degree of cognitive slippage. She was taken to a restaurant with some of the other residents of the assisted living facility. By coincidence, when I came to visit her, I was looking for something in her night table drawer, and found (thank goodness) the remains of her lunch in a foam "doggie bag". When I asked her about it, she seemed confused, and told me that she did not remember going out to lunch.

I told the staff, and they put her on a list for the maids to check her drawers. I felt very ambivalently uncomfortable about this. On the one hand, by having staff spying in my mother's drawers, she is giving up yet another piece of her autonomy. On the other hand, if she does not have the sense to know that you don't keep a Reuben sandwich in a night table drawer, she needs to be watched.

I find that although I may be popping in more and more to see her, I am staying for less and less time. I am going through a lot with my husband, (He is now undergoing radiation for prostate cancer) I find now that I don't have the patience to listen to her ask the same questions, over and over again.

Autonomy - that's really one of the keywords: it's not that really want to do some things (at least that is so with my mother), but that they want to decide by themselves.

My aunt does now everything my mother says. There was a temperature like in the tropes in our main living room (which is only very seldom used nowadays). Mother didn't know if they awaited visitors, aunt neither. But "you told me to heat it up" she said to mother. (Glad, the oil price is low momentarily <grrrr>)

It is a tricky position, Walter............................allowing a person to be as independent as possible, while ensuring his safety. What bothers me is that I can see the decline. I know that she functioned at a higher level a few months ago, and little by little, the functioning decreases.

For instance, when she entered the facility almost 2 years ago, I would find her on the porch, chatting with another resident. For the last year, I have not seen her on the porch. She is usually inside in the living room, watching TV, or in a corner, sleeping in her wheelchair. Every time I ask her about it, she says that she was outside, but came in five minutes before I arrived. I don't believe her!

Dementia is bad enough, but denial and the coping mechanisms are maddening. Mr. Noddy compensates for his failing memory by being a Masterful Man with money-saving inspirations.

Because "we" must economize and save gas, I'm going to switch from the County Library (which is a 50 mile round trip to a large selection of books) to the local library (15 mile round trip). Yesterday there were 30 books (4 fiction, 26 non-fiction) in the New Book section.

In exchange for switching libraries, I keep computer access, occasional luncheon outings and respite times in NYC.

His world gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Unfortunately, so does mine.

I've posted some pics from the "kaffeeklatsch" I mentioned above on the picture thread.

The oldest lady in our house is 93, and it's really a pleasure for me to be together with some different seniors (though I know, she can be quite stressful as well [as the younger one besides her :wink: ]).

My grandmother will be 102 in January. When she was 100 someone asked her the secret to her longevity. She replied "Two packs of Benson & Hedges every day". The nursing home has forced her to cut down to 5 cigs a day. She recently said "If I could get outa here I'd buy a carton of cigarettes and smokes the whole thing in one day." Not to mention her fatty food diet. It's actually her sense of humor that has kept her going this long.

Mental decline
This morning Bob said he wanted a Swedish passport. These, you may remember, were used to help Jews get out of Hungary during WWII.He is, of course, Jewish, and Hungarian. He never got one of those, but was liberated from a concentration camp in 1945.

Everything I read in this thread is more and more familiar - first with my mother (especially the charm thing) and now with my beloved husband.

Yes, Noddy,your world will keep getting smaller, but one is thing that might help (thatI haven't tried yet except for poetry, but looks very good) is Project Gutenberg.com, a web site that has thousand of books available for free download. Of course, they are all older stuff, because of copyright requirements, but I bet you could turn up something worth downloading and enjoying.

I wish I could contribute some encouragement to everyone out there, but the only things I can say are "It's not him, it's the disease", and "Hang in there". And I've already said them.

So...Keep on truckin'...

Nick wrote: It's actually her sense of humor that has kept her going this long.



We can see that you have taken some of your grandmother's characteristics for your life.

Tomkitten--

Thanks for the kind words. I've dealt with small rural libraries before--and always left them with more books than they had before I joined.

Doors close, doors open.

Except I don't smoke, I eat healthy and I exercise. Damn! I should live to be 200 easy!

Noddy - does the smaller, closer library have good inter-library loan options? I've found it a way to get around the occasional limitations of smaller branch libraries.

Phoenix, the longer I live the more convinced I am that it is not beauty and intelligence that rank at the top of human virtues. It is patience and courage.
You show both.

EhBeth--

Yes, the WPL has Interlibrary Loan--although, according to the volunteer, "it isn't used much".

It will be.

Furthermore I have 68 unread paperbacks in reserve for times of emergency.

Thank you.

I second the motion. Phoenix is a formidable woman.

Phoenix and I have bumped heads once-in-awhile, but I agree she has excellent character, intelligence, and courage.

Hello, everyone. I have been very busy and just had a chance to come by and read the replies you left. My husband, who is already disabled, is experiencing atrial defibrillation and can't sleep lying down, so that has been another problem for us lately.
The final Guardianship hearing is next Tuesday, afer which I can take over all my mother's affairs legally. Some nice poster mentioned giving her discretionary income to help her maintian some control. I tried that. I gave her $200 on Monday and by Monday night, it had been mailed to Jamaican scammers. Now she gets very samll amounts of money at once.
She continues to be mad and vindictive, but I am trying to muddle through. I appreciate your helpful comments and support. The ocean is large and my little boat is so small.

babyboomer- Now you are on the right track. You need simply to give her"pin money" for little necessities.

One of the hardest things to deal with is the change in a person that you thought that you knew so well. Often, when a person is suffering from dementia, they will become paranoid, and think that "people are out to get them". It isn't easy, but you need to tune your mom's tirades out, and not take what she says to heart. Please try not to take things personally.

In the assisted living facility where my mom lives, she has money in an account, which I keep replenish, which the management of the facility holds. It is used for things like trips to the beauty parlor, luncheon trips, personal necessities, etc. In other words, she has no need to hold any money herself. Check to see if the facility where your mom is going has that sort of arrangement.

Make sure that you inform the management of the home that your mother tends to give away her money. I have known people in facilities who would give away "presents" to the staff of a facility.

Of course your mother is mad. She is confused about her mental changes. On some level she understands that she is losing control of her life, and that can certainly be very frustrating.

You need to take care of yourself. You have your husband as well as your mom to deal with, and that is not easy. Be good to yourself, and give yourself some time each week, that is designated just for YOU!

Yes, Babyboomer, patience and courage.
My suggestion that you provide your mom with "discretionary income to help her maintian some control" was really a suggestion to enable her to enjoy an ILLUSION of control. The cost of this illusion should not, perhaps, be as high as $200, but it IS money well spent as far as I can see.

Mental decline and dependency
Babyboomer - Yes the ocean is horribly large, and our boats are tiny, but for what it's worth, remember that there are a lot of boats on it, so none of us is alone.