Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Oh, dear. Rest in peace for him.
I hope your sister in law will be ok.

She stayed with him in the same room (and often just stayed in their bed together).

She's okay, I think, taking it very reasonably. All the others are helping her now. (She relied a lot on her partner, since she's blind plus can't really walk ... but she's very intelligent.)

Another SIL, her twin sister, was/is legal guardian for both (with me respectively my wife as deputies).

The home is paying the funeral, my sister the tombstone (she has a lot of money, due to her blindness).

The siblings (and other relatives) of her parter didn't care about him since years, handicapped/disabled, you know and living in such a home ...

Mother-in-law is in hospital since Sunday [not at home, but in their 'dacha' in the Harz mountains](for "blood pressure", and her "usual stuff"). Now, however, she really has got something severe, very severe, indeed: a quickly growing carcinoma with rapidly spreading metastases ...

Oh, that's hard news..

You and Ulla have had way too much of a year.

When I look at MIL's situation cynically - she's suffering from hypochondria the last couple of decades: now she really got what she always thought she had.

But honestly: she had two CT's and one MRT the last six weeks, consulted all specialists besides a psychiatrist: nothing was found.
The carcinoma was discovered with a new CT. And that was only done because the doctor was curious about the rapidly growing girth ...
This news came as a real shock for all and everyone!

I'm so sorry to hear this, Walter. I agree with ehBeth. You and your wife have already been through enough. How is Ulla handling this news?

She's doing better than I (and she) thought.

Of course, it's not nice to tell all and everyone the same story - no-one really expected such.

We've got now the problem of what to do, since up to now nothing is really clear.
So, Ulla will stay in MIL's home when we drive there tomorrow for the funeral of one SIL's partner.
Might be that she the twin of the handicapped SIL will drive to Harz region and stay there, if MIL can't be transported in an ambulance.
Or ... ....

It seems to be just a question of days.

Oh, that's fast!

Of course, that may be merciful. Still, it brings its own kind of difficulty, especially for loved ones. I hope Ulla has enough time to say goodbye the way she wants.

We arrived at 9:30am today at MIL's home (SIL's is aside) for driving all the four of us to the cemetery for the funeral.

I noticed that SIL's husband wasn't in the office (he's a managing director in one of Europe's largest insurance companies) but packing the car ...
He told us that MIL has died one hour before and that they wanted to drive in the Harz after the funeral, trying to regulate as much as possibel.

The funeral itself was remarkable: 150 handicapped friends and staff, all showing great support for SIL - even the religious service was nearly more about her than about her partner.

However, though heartbreaking it was - when you go to a funeral for a (kind of) relative, when you are concerned about how your sister/SIL deals with this hard situation, you really don't expect to have to deal with the death of your mother/mother-in-law simultaneously, isn't it?

Life isn't fair. Neither is death.

I'm sorry to hear she's already gone. Has Ulla had the chance to say her goodbyes?

You will both be in my thoughts and prayers, Walter.

No. No-one actually had. (She's staying with her partner a more than 4 hours drive away.)
We phoned her yesterday (same the other SISs, her partner visited her yesterday night the last time). She wasn hardly to understand and/or could articulate.

Ulla and her SIS actually wanted to drive there today and stay there for a couple of days ...

Handicapped SIL now knows about the death of her mother - as I thought, she took this sad news relatively good.

Got today two notices of fees for ambulances mother had had to use months ago (the county is very slow with such).
What, however, really didn't come in the right moment, was the 'official' photo of mother, 'framed in a paper passepartout, with the handwritten (in best cursive) text inside: 'In fondly remembrance of Cecil Hinteler".

Very thoughtfull service by the home, but not the really right moment/day

Perhaps what seems so overwhelming at the moment may - after the necessary distance of time - seem like a blessing. The Lord acts in mysterious ways, as the text says. I'm sure the other posters here will excuse me for posting an excerpt from a sermon given in a church some years ago - will come back and post a translation - in connection with deaths of relatives in general, but specifically of the very elderly and / or infirm:

http://www.taplume-services.ch/FC_EPG/EF_Matth%2019.pdf

Edit to add translation:

N.B. this sermon comes from a Protestant pastor, but I recall the late Pope's explicit instructions during his last illness that under no circumstances should any "heroic measures" be deployed to prolong his life, so it seems there isn't much difference between the churches on this point.

Much sympathy and good thoughts to you and Mrs. Walter

Thinking of Ulla. Please extend our sympathies and good thoughts-and that goes for you too, Walter.

Same from me.

And update - and the final end of this story (I think).

My sister and BIL (actually, it seems that he was the one, though he was explicitly not mentioned in the last will) didn't accept mother's last will. (That is, they wanted only money, as I was told).
They went to a lawyer to get information if and how they could fight the last will - they couldn't but had to pay for this advice.

BIL asked his children not to accept the heritage as well. (His official reason: the house was a big risk, since it would cost their money to maintain it, and he was sure that it couldn't be sold.)
My niece and and the youngest nephew accepted his expertise - without knowing any background information, even not having had a look at the last will.

The other nephew said that he could sell even the worst barn (he's a bank manager) and that he wanted to look at all and everything.

We met last week (leaving out here all the various difficulties with the courts) .... and today signed the contract to sell the house at a notary/lawyer.
(The new owners are junior managers/owners of a design and carpentry firm specialised in interior finishing work - they will restore the house ... and add [inside, in parts which are not listed as historic monument] some very modern interior design - this is where/how they live now: http://www.home-mag.com/index.php?id=127)

I'm very happy about all this, especially, since he's a child of an old schoolmate ... and neighbour.

The niece asked to get one antique furniture. She'll get it.
The other nephew wanted nothing.
My sister and BIL don't know until know that the has has been sold. They wanted nothing = my sister got nothing from the last couple of years of mother's life nor anything from the house of her childhood and youth, the place, her parents lived (her mother more than 80 years)!!!

Walter -

I haven't had any contact from A@K on this thread for months, so I'm pretty late in expressing this feeling.

What a dreadful year your family has had. I think that without God's help you couldn't have got through it with such grace and courage.

I'm sorry the house isn't staying in the family, but it sounds like you are happy with the new buyers. That's all that matters. Your sister is an odd duck isn't she?

Walter, what was done to your mother's house is fascinating, to say the least. Do you like the new, ultra modern design? I know it isn't your house, but it was your family home for a lifetime or more.

I wish there were pictures of the outside and the interior before it was re-designed. Do you have any?

Is the fianl destribution of your mother's estate finally coming to a close? Isn't it astounding how long all the details take to put an end to the paper work?

All the best to you and Ulla.