Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Ossobuco--

Most of my individual possessions are a bit like icebergs. Everyone can tell that the black handled object in the kitchen utility drawer is a heavy-duty, non-electric can opener but I'm the only person who remembers gleefully finding that can opener at a bargain outlet more than 20 years ago.

On my windowsill I have a set of three bronze bells. Everyone can recognise "bells" but I'm one of a select group who can hear the chimes, "Time is. Time was. Time has been." (The chimes are mental--the bells ring, but the peals are flat).

Everyone can see that my desk is well stocked with fine-point ball point pens. I'm the only person who remembers going to the office supply store in April to purchase three dozen pens--enough pens, I reckon Mr. Noddy will be some time in losing them all. Wealth is always having a fine-point, ball point pen to hand.

Small oddities are what give our houses (and our lives) character. The old, worn books, the drawers full of photos, the ledgers for unknown purposes...

Some day, somehow, I think we'll lose something valuable if all we have to look through after a person's death is their computer files.

Eva- You are absolutely right. There is something wonderful about finding a scrap of paper, with something scribbled on it many years before. It brings back such wonderful memories.

My mother was one for using any flat piece of paper as a bookmark. Sorting through her books after her death uncovered layer after layer after layer of meaning--and many old grocery lists.

So true - I have a small pile of lovely Valentine's Day cards and scripted letters my grandparents sent each other at a time when they could not live together. What a loss of family history it would be if they had access to email.

It is the handwritten things that I always have the most difficulty throwing away. Handwriting is so evocative...so much a part of the person.

Well, mom is giving the ALF a bit of trouble. She is not sitting with her legs up, and the edema in her legs from the CHF is getting worse. In addition, because her skin is so thin, she has developed a couple of ulcers where the skin tore. I have an appointment with the MD for her today, but honestly, I think that this will be a continuing scenario.

The gal at the ALF who is in charge of the medication keeps reminding her to keep her legs elevated. Her repponse is, "How can I sit with my legs elevated, when I am walking around all day"!

I was working in her old place yesterday. Again, for the 4th or 5th time, when I was sure that I had found the last of her papers, I found even MORE. I am so glad that I bought the heavy duty shredder!!!

It's funny. Even though my mother is not living with me, I feel that my entire life is revolving around her, and it is very wearying. I really need to get away. I am going to NY by myself in August for my regular visit with my MD. I will have a chance to visit with my son.

In September, my husband and I are planning to go out west for a few weeks. I really hope that we can pull it off.

Phoenix--

Plan your gadding, do your gadding and have a wonderful time.

The first commandment in the Caretaker's Bible is to avoid burnout by insisting on private time. You need R&R&R--rest, recouperation and restoration.



Your mother's sense of self-preservation is rapidly eroding. From this point on you and the doctor and the nursing staff are going to be keeping her alive in spite of herself.

One of the mantras of Hospice Care is that the individual must be allowed to make choices. Frequently caretakers object when the patient's choices are not in the best interest of the patient.

Twenty-four hour, one-on-one nursing care can't replace a parent's common sense.

Personally, I'm all for allowing some unwise choices. Your mother can be reminded--even nagged-- to elevate her legs, but tying her down and hoisting her legs to an optimum angle is just as degrading as using machines to prolong a vegetable existence.

What part of NY will you be visiting? I hope you're planning your trip with great glee and thoroughness.

Hold your dominion.

Noddy- I will be in midtown Manhattan from Sunday the 7th of August, and am returning on Thursday the 11th.

BTW, I had an interesting experience yesterday. I filled up two 33 gallon trashbags with clothes that my mom won't wear any more, and brought them to Goodwill. The gal who was taking in the stuff was about 35. She takes one look at me dragging the bags, and yells, "Stop. I'll get that. You shouldn't be doing that".

I was so pissed that I wanted to scratch her eyes out. So today I walked to the gym and back, (3 mi. total) and worked out twice as hard as usual. Some nerve, the young whippersnapper! :wink:

Mother's ability to walk becomes worse and worse.
(She has already an indoor and a normal outdoor 'rollator' [a 'roll-walking-aid', whatever that's in English].)

Going to church (400yards away) became more and more difficult.
Now, however, the church is going to be renovated and masses are in the parish center.
So, she complains that she can't go to masses, because she can't sit there, or ... - but totally forgets, she can't go because she can't go.

Since her stroke, I drive her to her favourite barber in a different town (20 miles away). Now, because her friend had to change this barber (she can't drive anymore), she wants to GO to a new barber, the one friend goes to.
So, she walked there - same distance as to church, but more than an hour more sitting there.
Of course it wasn't the walk that she feels bad, but .... name something what you like.

I fully understand, why all this happens*. But this doesn't make me feel a lot better. (Although, two years ago, I would have "run amok".)
(*In addition: Mrs. Walter is for ten days 'on recreation'.)

Walter, I give you a LOT of credit. I can't stay with my mother for more than a short time, before I become very angry. Then again, even when my mom was not debilitated, we did not get along very well. I find that I would rather do things for her "behind the scenes" than have to deal with her one-on-one.

As my brother once said, "The reason that mom can push your buttons, is because she installed them!"

"As my brother once said, "The reason that mom can push your buttons, is because she installed them!"" Now, that's a gem I'll have to remember. Except in my case, my older brother took over my mother's place.

Phoenix--

Great button pushing line. I'm going to remember that.

I may be able to get into NYC during your stay. Have you posted on:

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=43309&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

EhBeth started the thread before her trip to the Big Apple and the natives seem to use it to arrange Thursday gatherings as well as Friday to Wednesday gatherings.

Walter--

I've got a three wheeled walker and a four wheeled walker and an old bump along clunker of a walker.....

You seem remarkably understanding about your mother's Little Ways. I keep reminding myself that Mr. Noddy's Little Ways have a method and consistancy that is very satisfactory to Mr. Noddy.

I remind myself and remind myself and remind myself.

Sometimes after days and days the "small stuff" becomes Very Large Stuff.

Hold your dominion.

Noddy- I would love to get together with you!

I took your advice and posted on the thread that you linked. It would be great to raise some hell with some of our esteemed A2Kers!

I have not kept up with this thread. I'm curious about this posting...what' the background?

Hi Mapleleaf!

I had started this thread a long time ago for people to discuss the difficulties and insights that they have experienced in dealing with caring for elderly relatives. My mom has recently declined, and Noddy has been particularly helpful.

I mentioned, as an aside, that I will be in NY next month. Noddy said that she might be able to meet me when I am there. She also directed me to a thread where New Yorkers arrange for A2K get togethers. The strange post that you saw is where I acknowledged to Noddy that I had, on her advice, posted to the NY thread.

Having met a2kers in new york, back in, er, 2003, I can only recommend it highly. It was in just such a "go ahead and meet" that Diane and I and Roberta met. Silly and adventurous on all our parts. I couldn't recommend meeting a2kers more.

Well. I finally found a company that does estate sales. As I have mentioned, where my mother lives, estate sales are not allowed. So the company has to pack up the stuff, and incorporate the things in an estate sale where those sorts of things are allowed.

For the last few weeks, I had been going about my business, in relative equanimity, getting rid of her things, giving some of it to her friends as mementos, and some to Goodwill. Yesterday, as the place is nearly cleared out, was very rough. All of a sudden it hit me that I was deconstructing my mother's entire life, and the thought was very painful.

I think that it was Nancy Reagan who called Alzheimers', "The Long Goodbye". For the first time I understand what she is saying. Little by little, the mother that I knew all these years is disappearing, right before my eyes. It would really be a kindness if her body gave out, before her mind is completely gone!

Agreed, Phoenix.

I had similar thoughs, Phoenix, when I talked to my mother's family doctor this week (she couldn't go there personally: walking ability is getting worse and worser).

The doctor agreed that a senior residence (even a not so good run) would be the best - a 24/24 professional service can't be done similar at home.
However, she said, that was our objective view from our subjective angle since we aren't in the situation to leave a place where we have lived for our complete life (= nearly 85 years) for ever.
And that especially, because my mother had always siad, she wouldn't leave her home, only "with her feet to front" (a phrase, referring how people were transported in a cuffin out of a home).