Who deserves the "thank you"?

hmmmmm

Do him/her/they like each other's company? Then I'd say it would be nice if both of them said thank you - you know - pleasure of your company kinda thing.

1 - Thanks for inviting me. It was great to spend some time with you. I enjoyed that. (it doesn't say they enjoyed the show, so no lie)


2 - Thanks for coming out to the show with me. I know it wasn't what you'd have planned, but I really had a good time with you. (acknowledges that the other did it as a time-together thing)


There are lots of variants on this.


I have a female friend that I go to a lot of concerts with. We sometimes try music that one or the other of us might not try on their own. We end each evening by thanking each other for the nice evening together. It's a little smile to leave on.

They should thank each other, of course. Then go out for coffee or drinks after the show. And split the tab.

I would say thank you in either of those positions.

The person with the tickets because I dinns have to go alone, my friend went out of their interest zone to come with me.

The friend because I got a free experience of a show - trying stuff you wouldn't normally can be great!

Okay, yes, in a perfect world, both parties would say thank you and everything would be fine. I guess what I'm really asking is, which person did more of a favor for the other?

I'd say it's equal. They each got what they wanted- a companion for the evening.

I would think real friends wouldn't keep score in this manner, and real friends would also say thank you in both instances.

I'd rather go alone than feel some sense of obligation to someone for going along. And at the other end, I wouldn't purposely make someone feel gratitude for going to a show I wasn't all that keen on seeing. After all, if it was something I wouldn't have wanted to see in the first place, then it would be less of a hassle to just not go.

Is this a real scenario? Who is who in it?

Yes, this is a real situation, and I'm not telling you which one is me. And it's not about keeping score, it's about two people who are very f*cking stubborn. And you are wrong Caprice, when you say that real friends would say thank you in both instances. Not everyone does exactly the right thing in every situation. Neither of us is perfect, although I am pretty damn close Real friends who are having problems with each other might not do everything exactly as they should. But I do think that trying to work on those problems is what a real friend might do.

I was just curious to know, before I once again do the gracious thing, who should really be the one to do it. So you see, I can't tell you which one is me; it might sway your decision one way or the other.

Life ain't black and white, is it?

I think the order of thank-yous is unimportant. Gratitude should not be forced or expected, but politeness is often overlooked, especially amoung friends. The situation sounds kind of awkward and I can understand the confusion. Maybe he/she didn't really enjoy the show. Maybe he/she was being polite in refraining from admitting her/his true feelings. Maybe he/she was expecting more, or thinking it would turn out to be more...
There are a million scenarios of why people don't do the right thing.

I'm curious as to why this became an issue? Why are you and your friend having a discussion about this and not the show, or something else? It sounds kinda petty. I understand being stubborn. This kind of stuff ruins friendships. Is it necessary?

I agree with Ceili's words. She verbalized it better than I did.



No, it wouldn't sway me. The reason I asked is that I'm curious to know why you would feel the way you do if this situation were real, which, as you have stated, IS real.

Since the idea of thanking someone is evident in your mind, why don't you just go ahead and say thanks? It might prompt the other person to thank you in response. Then it's all over with. *L*

To me it isn't worth the effort to figure out who's right and who's wrong or who is being the most stubborn. If this is something that is bothering you, then I suspect there are other issues going on. You alluded to as much when you said both of you were stubborn. Obviously this isn't the first time you two haven't seen eye to eye on things. Perhaps your best bet is to talk to this person about your perspective...in a non-blaming kind of way....in a way that expresses to the other person how you are feeling. Sometimes that is next to impossible to do, depending on the nature of your relationship.

Hmmmm - interesting.

One suspects KC may be feeling like the one who goes along to get along here - usually these issues have, as has been said, a meta-issue happening which coalesces around a seemingly trivial issue.

Can the meta issue be discussed?

Yeah, What else is going on? I can't see what the big deal is about both of you saying, "thank you" to each other, unless that it not an expression that is normally part of ones' vocabulary. If so, that is another problem!

Friendship is not a matter of double entry bookkeeping...............If it is, it ain't no friendship!

it's sounding more like this wasn't a favour in anyone's eyes. are you sure these people are actually friends? (yes, i know you're one of them, but still, are you sure?)

Yeah, there is a lot more going on here, but I don't have the time or the energy to go into all the craziness. I will probably end up being the one to give in, as usual.



When I read that, it really got to me. I don't know if we really are friends anymore. At one time, I thought she was the best friend I ever had.

This is making me sad.

Aw, don't be sad! Talk to her. Not just about the thank-yous, but about how your friendship seems to be losing ground and how you feel about that.

k'can - the post that started this thread made me sad - trying to figure out who owes, who deserves, most/more - that isn't what friendship is about to me.

caprice is right - talk to your friend. you need to sort things out between you.

Well, thanks for the advice, but it's much more complicated than you know. I might have actually told part of this story in one of my very early threads, now that I think about it.

For many complicated and tangled reasons, I don't believe the nugget at the core of all this is mine to bring up. I have tried to get her to talk to me about it in the past, and she just shuts down. I don't feel like I should (or even have it in my power to) force her to talk about it if she doesn't want to.

So I end up with these little annoying problems to deal with. It is sad, but hopefully someday soon it will work itself out.

As for now, I have to go. I have a thank you to give to someone.

Awwwwwwwwww.......that's tough...

I wuz wondering about that. The post regarding the making of concessions. Sounded like it was a similar scenario and unless you're having problems with all your pals, it stood to reason it was the same person.

You said she just shuts down when you try to bring things up with her. Could be, in part, your presentation. Although my ex-sister-in-law comes to mind and there is no way anyone can talk to that woman about anything. But that's another topic.

Since no one here, except yourself of course, knows the situation I can only offer you a suggestion based on what little I know about it. Find a time where the two of you can sit down and talk uninterrupted. Perhaps start it off by saying to her something along the lines of "if you don't already know, I value our friendship very much" and eventually get to the point where you tell her you feel as if she is taking the friendship for granted...and maybe toss in something about how if you've done that to her, it wasn't intentional and that you're certain she hasn't meant to take your friendship for granted either.

It's a difficult one to do...you don't want to get mired in overanalyzing your friendship, but at the same time, something has to be said.

Anyone else have some better suggestions?

Kickycan wrote:


Ain't no friendship when one person feels as if theys the onlyest one on the giving end.