Boyfriend unhappy

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I'm really confused about what is going on lately with my boyfriend of 3 years. Everything seemed to be going well between us. I've been asking him if everything is ok and he's been telling me that I am paranoid and there is nothing wrong whatsoever each time I've asked to make sure. It made me feel like I was crazy or something.

Anyway yesterday he blew off at me saying he'd not been happy for a while (swear words included). It hurt me and felt like a big shock as I'd been asking him if there was anything wrong. He'd made me feel like I was going nuts to ask before. He said he wasn't sure where the relationship was going and we are disimilar. We have separate houses. It felt like a real kick in the stomach. Usually he's giving me lots of compliments and telling me how wonderful I am.

I've had problems in my personal life and I find it hard not to get upset about them. He says the negative talk I have is getting him down. I have no contact with my mother and it depresses me. (for various reasons that were difficult at the time)

He says it is hard for him to see me as I am and he feels he can't do anything about it to help me. I need to move on in my life.........I know he's right but due to other stresses in life I've felt down myself lately.

He reckons if I can't make him happy he has a right to find someone else who can. I feel distraught by this talk. It's the first time he's shouted like this at me. I never wanted to go there again with this kind of talk from previous relationship experience. There are things that wind me up with him but I didn't want to air them or shout them like that. I don't want anyone else.

I feel worse than I did before now. He only told me last week that 'I feel quite smug being with you', you're amazing etc etc.

I'm confused and hurt. We rowed again in the morning because I told him how confused I felt. One minute he's telling me he's ok etc etc the next he's telling me he's not. I'm so unsure now. I explained how now I feel on edge and am looking for problems in his mannerisms etc because he tells me he's ok when he's not! I can't relax or believe what he's saying. Apparently, I was being negative again!

Aftwerwards he started shouting and told me he was leaving. I shouted to him to stay from upstairs and he asked me to kind of run downstairs after him? I couldn't as I wasn't dressed properly but he didn't think that mattered. I went downstairs and he left anyway. There was this anger about him and almost arrogance that I hadn't seen before but then I don't know if I'm imagining it. Especially when I saw him downstairs, as he left he told me to let him know when 'I'd made up my mind if I wanted to work at the relationship'. Apparently all I do is give him abuse and he tries his best all the time. I'd only been telling people how wonderful he is last week and how great the relationship is??When I said I don't know what to believe anymore with the change in happiness he reckons I have TRUST ISSUES??

He's not been in work for nearly a year now. He decided to leave his job because it was so stressful. He's now returning to the same place but hoping to start a different job. I don't know if this is part of it and he says he hasn't applied for other jobs I dunno. I've tried to be supportive etc but I'm not sure what is going on. He has no money worries but will need a job for the long term. He's only in his thirties. He goes out a lot with his friends more since his divorce (he'd separated before I'd met him) and I don't complain when he comes back at 3.30am. I'm happy he has friends. My mother had an affair but I trust him.

It feels like he blames me for everything that is going wrong in the relationship. I feel quite worthless. My ex used to say the same.

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I think you know this is over (sorry). It's really just a matter of the final wrap-up. And it's unfortunate. I'm sorry it came to this, but it appears that he is blaming you for the stress in his life. And you don't need that kinda crap from anyone.

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@jespah,

Thanks for your reply Jespah. I really never saw this coming to this extent and I don't know what to make of it. He keeps telling me he loves me though and wants to make it work? I'm confused by it all. Maybe I am that bad........I feel depressed at times by work, my mother etc. Maybe I've driven him away?

Bizarre thing is he's not saying he's stressed with finding a job either, tells me he's not looking for one. He's not said one thing but this might be male pride.

1 Reply

@clare44,

I am sorry to say, you're better off without him. He's a loser and deep down you know it. Chances are he has someone else already. One thing I learned in life: men rarely leave their relationship unless there is another woman.

He's trying to blame you and put you down for his leaving so he looks better and his conscience is clear. Don't continue being a victim, assert yourself and tell him to go to hell!

2 Replies

@CalamityJane,

Quote:

Chances are he has someone else already. One thing I learned in life: men rarely leave their relationship unless there is another woman.

g

Odd thinking back my leaving a woman and a relationship had have little to do with there being another woman in the wings.

In most cases I had been do unhappy with the female sex that some time would go by before I would get into another relationship.

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

I know what you're saying calamity jane and the exact thoughts went through my mind.

What confuses me though is the fact that he says he wants to help me feel better and will pay for me to go for private therapy about my mother etc. He said he loves me to bits and finds it hard to not be able to solve my problems.

Thing is it hurt when he said he deserves to be happy with someone else. I don't know if he's trying to be helpful and telling me I am negative about everything to make me change. Maybe there is truth in it. I feel miserable and stressed half the time but to be honest I wish he was here to comfort me instead of leaving me alone like this. Do you do that to someone you love? maybe I've got him down so much. Am I expecting too much from him? He has said before that the negativity is bringing him down and effecting his life.

1 Reply

@BillRM,

Billrm thanks for your reply. Good to hear some men don't jump from one woman to the next. He's said quite a few times that he hates people cheating. Maybe I'm losing sight of what he's trying to help me with and taking it too personally.

I've been thinking about contacting my mother which is what a lot of my sadness stems from. Maybe then if she doesn't speak to me then I have closure and it's done. Am I just punishing myself now for not seeing her or trying to make contact? It's beginning to effect the whole of my life.

1 Reply

@clare44,

clare44 wrote:

Am I expecting too much from him?

It does seem that way from the way you've presented it.

You need to take care of yourself. Get yourself to a place where you are happy and can be a good partner for someone else.

Perhaps you can both take some time to get your own lives and feelings in order and then see if you'd be healthy to be together.

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You seem very distracted about your problems with your mother. Perhaps he picks this up and is not getting enough attention. Are you sharing this with him?

Plus, he has pressures at work and may need to talk to you about them.

Sounds like you two have communication issues. Perhaps sitting down with a third party could help you sort it all out.

You don't sound like you want to throw in the towel yet on this 3 year relationship.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Hi Punkey,

I have been distracted at times. I started a new job too this year. Issues arise at work as they do anywhere but I'm probably not shaking them off so easily.

Yes, I do discuss things about my mum with him. I always have done. I was very hurt about it all when I first met him. I couldn't help it as I'd cry at times and my dad was still going through the divorce so problems always used to come up.

I feel like the honeymoon phase has worn off lately for me but I do still love him. Things we do aren't so new like in the beginning anymore. I guess we are repeating the same things now e.g the same trips to places etc.

I also know I don't kiss him when he walks through the door like I used to but I do give him a hug or I'll kiss him later.

I've not wanted to bring up the issue of him going back to work as I didn't want to create stress. Maybe I should have done more.

1 Reply

@clare44,

What do you think I should do about contact?
Should I give him some space? We're meant to be going on holiday in 2 weeks.

0 Replies

@clare44,

Quote:

I've been thinking about contacting my mother which is what a lot of my sadness stems from. Maybe then if she doesn't speak to me then I have closure and it's done. Am I just punishing myself now for not seeing her or trying to make contact? It's beginning to effect the whole of my life.

Suggest you first might look into getting some expert help is sorting out all these feelings concerning both your mother and boyfriend.

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@clare44,

Since all this happened I've given him lots of space. I've not texted or phoned. We met up yesterday and he said it felt like we were dating again. He kept apologising and telling me how much he loved me, how he wasn't going anywhere and wanted us to have a future.

I've decided to make some changes as a person. I didn't say a word about any problems, in fact he brought them up in passing. I only needed to give a one word answer in reply (didn't want to rudely ignore his question) so just left it at that. I'm trying very hard not to be negative at all about anything or anyone. I'm standing back and observing more in the relationship and how he is.

I'm really unsure of what to do on the physical side of things?? Whilst we spent time together yesterday we were both full of apologies, he was telling me how he wasn't going anywhere, he loved me very much, some space has helped both of us, made us realise not to take eachother for granted on both sides. I'm worried about becoming more physically involved and then he changes his mind again or something. Surely he must realise I would feel this way lately? What do I do? I don't want to push him away by not doing this either.

After standing back yesterday and observing more I'd say he's stressed about lots of things at the moment.

1 Reply

@clare44,

What is he stressed about, clare44? He's not working all of a sudden, is he?
Who is supporting him by the way?

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

Well what a read!

It's just over a year on from all of this and we are still together. However I've never really been able to shake this issue off since it happened. I forgot all about this post and read it today. I forgot some of the things he said to me and how cr*p it made me feel.........still wonder what it was all about..........?

1 Reply

@clare44,

Has your life really changed from one year ago? You still seem unhappy.

You seem surrounded by people who water your bad seeds (low self esteem and depression)

0 Replies

Boyfriend unhappy

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