dealing with my partner already having a child?!!

Gemba Gemba--

Welcome.

Sorry, honey. You want the moon. Your partner already has a living, breathing (and I'm sure occasional very inconvenient kid) and the kid is not going to go away.

Even if the child died tomorrow, he would still be your partner's first son.

Is it the boy himself who bothers you? Or the time and/or money your partner spends with/on him? Are you jealous of the boy's mother? Is she jealous of you?

We can't erase the kid for you, but perhaps we could help you explore ways of making that little Two Legged Fact Of Life easier to live with.

I know exactly how you feel. My partner also has a child from a previous relationship. (a 7 year old girl) She doesn't live with us. I really wish that both of us could have had a first child together but that's never gonna happen. It all comes down to how much you love him. Can your love for him over come these difficult feelings your having? I just take things one day at a time, it still bugs me when I think about it, but I love my partner and he loves me. That alone is "should" be enough to conquer the feelings.

I put the word "should" in quotation marks to also refer to myself. I so feel where your coming from. Also have you talked to him about this or have you been carrying this around? I carried it around for a long time untill i told my partner and now that I have it hepled the situation out lot's. Good luck.

When you get involved with someone with children, it's a package deal. Both of them or neither of them. Sorry, but that's how it has to be.

You can have YOUR first child together (your's and his) You need to look at it that way!

thanks for the replys,
i do think part of my feeling are because my partners told me his ex has never got over him, and when we first got together she made things really awkward for him to see his son coz she didnt want him round me...

i suppose in a way i probably dislike her because shes a part of my partners past that can never be forgotten,and that she probably knows that shell always be a part of his life!

i like to think that when u meet some one new and start a relationship, past is the past, but im starting to feel like his past is still the present..... if u understand what i mean?!?!?!?

i have spoken to my partner, which felt a bit better as he was really understanding by trying to suggest things like "what if i have him round less?" but i said i didnt want to come between them, obviously boys need there dad.

im sort of hoping that maybe just getting some views from people will help me 'sort my head' a bit!

Welcome to A2K first of all - enjoy yourself. Even if it's not advice you want to hear, good advice is always given - from both sides of the scale.

Now then:

I would not really want to be involved with a person who suggested they see their child LESS to make me happy - I would have to think really hard about a statement like that......As the mother of 2 girls who were with me before my husband now was, let me tell you, that the past, when it involves children, is always the present, because unlesxs that other parent dies - they're always there, in the background perhaps, but always there nonetheless.

If you and your guy are getting serious, even considering marriage - then and examination of how you feel about the child itself is in order - serious examination. But, as was mentioned before, and as I said to my husband when we first began dating - I have children, and you're getting a package (3 person) deal...take it or leave it.

gemba gemba--

Good that you and your partner are talking about the problem. Even better, you recognize that the boy needs his father.

Could a part of your discontent be that you don't feel like a mother to this kid? And you don't want to feel like a mother to this kid?

Rest assured--you aren't his mother. You are a very close friend of his father. In fact the only thing you have in common with the boy right now is that you both think his father is a terrific guy.

I have six stepsons and know the role of the stepmother can be pure hell, particularly when the stepchildren's mother resents your presence. Winning respect and affection won't be easy--and may be impossible--but the man you share is worth it.

Good luck.

I dated a guy that had a son. Everytime I looked at his son....I saw his daddy in his features. It just made me want to hug him. I didn't focus on the fact that this child was not mine. And we got along great.

The childs Mother hated me with a passion. There was alot of jealousy. And I tried to understand her side. She was his Mother.....I was an outside threat to her, I think. So she started keeping the father and son apart on the weekends because she did not want me around her child. And that was sad because the child and I were good "buddies". And I loved him dearly.

But I couldn't allow her to do what she was doing....and I tried talking to her and nothing helped. So I bowed out. Broke up with this guy.......and darn it....I still miss that little boy. He was so precious.

I don't envy your position. I hope everything works out for you though.
Try and look at the son as "just a child". Children are wonderful in their own little ways.....no matter who is the Mother or Father. And very easy to love.

~Brooke

I cannot tell you enough how much i understand what you are going through...I hope by the time of this post you already resolved all the issues.
I am also having extremely difficult time adjusting to my partner’s child. Over the years it has been a rollercoaster of emotions, but on the outside all what I do is be polite, respectable and carry on. I cannot learn to love him…may be because we very often have my boyfriend’s family in the house and they are surrounding this boy with love and attention. I cannot match their level of affection for him nor do I feel there is a need for that.
To be honest, all what I do is wait for him to grow up and may be then we can try to be friends, but for now I enjoy the time with my boyfriend and try to stay out of the way when his child comes over.

hi, am having the same problem as i am 23years old and i have been with my partner for year and half. he doesn't see much of her 7yr old daughter but recently iv been finding it harder.
Am a qualified nursery nurse and just finishing university to work within children social services. so before i met her i imaged i'l get along as i do with children at nursery, but the more into the relationship am finding it harder but i don't know why. i know some of it, is because i feel sorry for the child as i don't agree of how she got brought into the world as my partner was at the time 16yrs old and mother at the time was 32yrs old...which makes me mad as hes explained his bad past of how he got into drugs and he was mentally trapped, even his family has explained how they felt at time as they lost him for a few years but when it comes to seeing him with her....i get a 'pang' feeling as i don't see him as a dad, i see him as my partner. i know it sounds am judging his past, but his past life is nothing like he is now and i can see hes is nothing like that as i wouldn't of fell in love with him otherwise, but he cant just say its his pass and forget about it as it goes against my judgement, especially now the mother of child is starting to play games via her daughter.

iv tried talking to him and he says he wants to forget hid past, but he doesn't understand that he cant as hes got his daughter and thats a perminant reminder and he says iv got to live with it, but he says it to me in angry as i feel he gets mad when thinking of it and confused as he wants to see her but shes his past which he wants to forget then takes his angry out on me when its coming to the days he sees her....he doesn't speak much about his emotions which makes it more difficult for me to know how he feels and where he wants me to stand in the situation. i know he wants me involved as he doesn't feel a dad and relies on me to make the conversation when we got her but that doesn't help me :-( even i find it hard to explain x

Are you going to have to teach this fellow how to be a FATHER? Because it sounds like he wants you to, and you seem so eager to. Are you sure you want to accept that role?

I suggest that you find some parenting classes for him to go to. He does not know how to relate to his little girl. It's up to him to make the effort.

If he does not want to make the effort, perhaps his own father could fill in with the girl. She does need some kind of male role model in the family to relate to.

Perhaps he feels more like a brother than a father. I am surprised the court or school did not get involved in this with him being a minor at the time he became a father. There are teen father groups all around.

I know this is a year later but this is EXACTLY how i feel It sucks cause i love my boyfriend so much but i just am having such a difficult time when it comes to dealing with his son

I am in a similar boat. My partner of two years has a five year old son and I absolutely love him to bits, he is the cutest, funniest, cheekiest thing out there and I always have so much fun when he is around. My bf is more of a part part time dad, he had his son when he was 18, wasn't in relationship with the mother anymore and didn't even see him for the first time till he was thre e months old.

My partner is more of a part part time parent, when his son is up my partners parents are the ones that look after him. My partner always says he is his father and he loves him. It he is not his dad. He wants to be in his sons life as more of a friend than parental figure. At first I encouraged him to be more involved which now he sort of is. But I'm finding it harder to accept that he is a father. I have no issues with his son. But I guess I feel a twinge when I think he has a son already.

I always was so excited about the idea of having children. I imagined that moment myself and the man I loved first became parents but now it feels a little, I don't even know how to say it, tainted? He isn't becoming a parent for the first time only I am. And also I'm not the one that will make him a father someone has been and done that and it hurts like crazy. I do however find some comfort in they will be OUR first and it will mean that much more cause we love each other.

I guess I'm not sure what's ok to feel and what isn't. Am I allowed to sad sometimes that he already has a child. Am I allowed to feel that later down the track sometimes I will want it to be just our family unit not having to coordinate dates and different functions. What things do we need to be working out now? Does his son have to come on every holiday we go on or is it ok to go just us sometimes?

I don't want to leave because I love them both more than anything and already know life without them would be empty, but I am finding it harder to deal with sometimes. My lowest moment was recently when my step-son broke his leg, he was out my partners parents and tripped over. The next day my partner his son and my family were all going on a picnic, but my partner went in the morning to be with his so while he had his cast put on. I was an emotional wreck! I was so upset about his son, but (and I hate to admit how selfish I was) I was also upset that my boyfriend had to cancel family plans to be with his son (something I never imagined having to deal with before) And I'm. It sure if those feelings are normal. Most days I'm fine but sometimes the pain and sadness is overwhelming. Normal? Ok? Hat should I do?

What kind of a man would your partner be if he blew off his son getting a cast on by going to a family picnic instead?

If it helps you, ask yourself that question as if it were your son, too.

It's definitely difficult to deal with your partner having a child with another woman even when you have a child yourself, which is my case and I also have a four month old with him. I have a nine year old from a previous relationship whose father has always been a part of her life, but not so much financially. I've pretty much been her main caregiver. My fiancé has a three year old from a previous relationship. Although he may very well have the same feelings, I hate the thought of having to share him with another woman. I guess I'm also jealous of her. First, she has his first child, who I know is extremely special to him. Second, he is an excellent father and supports his child in every way-I don't have that with my daughter's father. Not to mention that his child's mother does not seem very together so he ends up taking responsibility for things that you would typically think that a mom would handle. Yes, it is as if, we have the same situation, but on different sides of the spectrum! While at the end of the day, I should focus on the joy of being with a good man, I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that blended families come with their own challenges. This has all been a particular challenge to me. Before I had a child with him, my eldest daughter and I went away on vacation. When we got back, he had a welcome sign that read "Now I have all the more reasons to live..." He went on to list his son first, me, my daughter and the baby that was then on her way. The sign broke me more than it made me feel special. I thought, "His son means the world to him. He is first just as he listed him first. I will never be first, nor the child that I am carrying." This is a real battle for me, which I hope to conquer with a more positive mindset.