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Thu 19 Feb, 2004 12:08 am
Biggest Illegally collecting deposits Case in Heilongjiang Gets Cracked
more than 1000 get cheated about $11 millions
Zhu Chunyang, a citizen of the Jiamusi City, northeast of China Heilongjiang Province who made high interest as bait, illegally collected public deposits more than $11 millions in a year. More than 1100 people were cheated by her. On Dec.19, 2003, Zhu, who has escaped for less than 100 days, got caught in Shuifeng City. At present, the Harbin People's Procuratorate approved police to arrest the 37-year-old woman for suspecting her committing the crime of illegally collecting public deposits.
I'll give it a try.
Zhu Chunyang, of Jiamusi City, Heilongjiang Province, allegedly baited investors with high interest returns, and illegally collected deposits totally more that 11 million dollars over a year's time from 1100 people. On Dec. 19, 2003, Zhu was caught in Chuifeng City after escaping from custody and being a fugitive for 100 days. Police served a warrent for her arrest after she was charged with illeaglly collecting people's money.
Hmm. . bit rough, but it's a start.
Hi Turner, thanks for reply.
Still, I'd like to know how other mavens to rewrite it.
Hi Vivien,
I especially appreciated the rewriting of the title, and of the last sentence, which have kicked away the ambiguity of the original writing, and made the meanings very clear.
Thanks.
oristar, do you mind if I direct Vivien to this thread? Someone is looking for an answer on Art that I think a Brit would know
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=19361&highlight=
Pardon the interruption.
I went to it Letty but don't know if i can help
I saw that you did, Vivien. I've done that for people several times, and the creator of the thread never comes back to acknowledge. Thanks, my British friend, and a big thanks to oristar for allowing the news flash.
Headlines should be short and grab the interest of the reader.
Heilungjang Depositing Scam Cracked:
1100 People cheated out of $11,000,000
Zhu Chunyang (37), of Jiamusi City in northeast Heilongjaing Province, is suspected of illegally collecting $11 million of public deposits in one year. Zhu's promise of high interest rates is believed to have cheated 1,100 people out of their investments. Zhu disappeared after the scam was revealed on December 19, 2003. The Harbin People's Procurator authorized Zhu's arrest on suspicion of illegally collecting public deposits. Police captured Zhu Chunyang in Shuifeng City less than 100 days after she fled Jiamusi City.
Here I've tried to include all of the pertinent information in the original. The most important information is in the first sentence. Generally, I favor much shorter sentences as being more readable and less taxing for the reader whose comprehension may be limited.
I think the original story was that Zhu promised people that if they would invest with her, she would pay better interest than the sanctioned government plan. Zhu's crime apparently was to divert money from an official system to a private one. Even if Zhu delivered on her promise, she committed a crime. That would be a peculiarity of the PRC legal system that is quite foreign under the Common Law. If Zhu collected the money with no intention of investing it as promised, to us that would be the crime of fraud. That Zhu ran when her crime was discovered in the West would make her look very guilty of evil intent. However, I can understand why a person might flee from a mere accusation in a place like the PRC where you are guilty until proven innocent and the scales are rigged against the individual. Editing the story was interesting because of the need to remain open to the intent of the original publication.
Excellent [/size]rewriting, Asher man!
The new headline immediately caught my eye with its terse yet impressive charm.
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