Be my friend... or else.

If another child was having problems with something Mo was doing, would you want his folks not to bring it to your attention because "Mo's probably hearing this at home, and I think they have problems."?

You know, this happened to my daughter when she went into Late Immersion French. The kids were all in cliques and it was a little hard for her to find a group to hang out with, but after a couple of months, she did. One of those girls, Andrea, came from a very dysfunctional and broken home, and acted out all the time. She had a thing about my daughter and was constantly harassing her, yet wanted to be her friend. I had to speak to her mother a number of times; the poor woman always apologized and sighed. Not very helpful, but at least she wasn't denying it.

One time my daughter picked up the phone and it was a strip club asking for her. Apparently Andrea had registered to strip under my daughter's name. She was quite a straight-laced teenager so she was appalled and extremely upset. She was 14 when this happened.

At some point in their schooling (which was 7 yrs together), she got the message across that she didn't want to be friends with Andrea anymore. I ran into Andrea one day and she started sobbing about it. I've always felt really sorry for that girl. She was just socially clueless and had issues, obviously. I've wondered whatever happened to her. She was such a bright and lively girl.

I agree with Chai here, I'd call the parents!
Actually I have done so in a similar situation - 11/12 seems to be the magic age for these sort of problems where kids want to "claim" a friendship. I knew that girl was trouble from when I first saw her, but Jane was intrigued by her at first and when she realized that this girl is possessive and demanding, cut her off completely.

Then the harassment started, she passed Jane up at school, called my house ten times in a row and hung up, and when she egged my garage,
I called her mother! The girl had to come over and clean my garage,
and I had a good talk with her - didn't help though. Her mother was
at her wits end, she went through hell with her daughter, couldn't control her and employed several therapists to no avail.

Today, she's 16 years old and has been in and out of juvenile hall, quit school and I can imagine how her life progresses.....some kids are just
pure evil.

I think Mo missed that at six years old and he missed it (or hasn't hit it) again this time. I think this is his first hostage situation!

I wonder if "new kid adoption" has something to do with being only children. I (and my siblings) were the new kids quite a bit and we always had each other so getting adopted into a group was never a thing -- we had a ready made group. It made us really close.

Maybe.

I think kids need to learn to navigate these things without parents taking it over. Mo came to me for advice and I gave him some strategies that seem to have worked and now he's taking care of it.

This kid apologized without his parents saying "now apologize to these people". I think it's much more sincere when an apology comes from inside forces, instead of having come from being ordered to do it. I think being ordered to apologize builds resentment -- against the person giving the order and the person the apology is directed towards.

I think it says good things about this kid that he apologized without his parents having to be involved. I think it probably caused him to reflect on his actions a lot more.

I think the new kids she's adopted have been about half and half -- some only children, some with siblings. I don't think anyone's been from a big family though.

I meant the kids who do the adopting being only children.

I'm trying to remember all of my first friends when we moved to a new house -- I recall a lot of singletons making an effort to befriend me.

Oh, I see.

I think it's more her general mother-hen-ness, which might be an only-child thing, I guess. But she already has a bunch of very close friends and doesn't "need" more friends, she just worries about the new kids and wants them to feel welcome. And then several of them have become good friends.

She definitely is kind of allergic to cliques, though, and is always looking outward for new interesting people. She has two very good friends who don't like each other that much, then a next level of about seven quite good friends, then a next level of maybe 25 good friends. This was more a problem in the past (when various groups wanted her to commit to them totally rather than being a member of other groups at the same time), 5th grade has been a little more porous and accepting.

Sounds as though Mo has put his foot down. Good for him. I am also glad that he has demanded the kid apologise to you and Mr B.

Being jealous and such is normal...storms of abusive language are not.

Yes, good distinction.

I like this a lot. I also like Mo's invoking an apology to you and Mr B as a bit of insurance that this stuff has stopped and will stay stopped.

Update: N came knocking on the door yesterday to discuss things with/apologize to Mr. B and to apologize to me.

N's brother had been over to the house last week and he told Mo that his dad had thrown his mom out of the house a few days before school ended; that they had been fighting a lot and that his mom had done something that really made his dad mad. She was gone and the kids hadn't heard a word from her.

The throwing out would have been about a week after the nasty messages started so I think things at home might have been pretty awful for N around this time.

I don't want to make excuses for him but I can't help but think all of his home stuff probably played a role in what happened. I'm really glad I didn't involve his parents in the situation.

How awful for the boys to witness their mother being thrown out of the house.
I hope they'll settle their differences and can move on from there.
It all comes together resp. makes sense when the family dynamic comes into the equation, doesn't it? Very sad!

So here was are three weeks after the big apology and guess what this kid says to Mo today.

He says: You're so annoying. No wonder your real mom and dad put you up for adoption. I'll bet boomerang and Mr. B put you up for adoption too.

Mo was in tears.

I'd like to wring that kid's neck.

Put a bug in his parents' ears. They probably only need the smallest nudge.

I know.

Right now Mo insists he wants to handle it.

I'm ready to march over to their house and give them all the what for. Mr. B is reining me in.

Mo is so forgiving of people. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

I understand Mo wanting to handle it with the kid, but I think the kid's parent/s have the right to know what's going on - and maybe get help for their kid if he needs it. They might not know how truly badly he is reacting to what's going on at home. Your priority is Mo - but that other kid needs help from his family.



You've worried about Mo's desire to please others about as long as he's been around. I recall stories from when he was small, chatting up and charming random people in grocery stores. I didn't/don't think you were off-base to have some level of concern about it. Not an omigawd thing, but just keep your good watchful eye on it - the way you've always done.

That kid is an asshole in training.

We're struggling with this too!
----

My guess is that the kid is jealous of Mo's family life - considering how his
situation is right now - and he's lashing out. That's no excuse though to
be this hurtful and the boy has to learn that his brain and his mouth are connected and act accordingly.

It's a bad thing when it leads to letting others walk all over you, and insult you repeatedly.