Does compromise hurt relationships?

I think people need to pick their battles, as it were. Always going to one person's choice of movies is annoying, but it shouldn't be a dealbreaker in a relationship. After all, people can go to the movies alone or with other friends. Such an activity need not always be a thing that the couple - and only the couple - do together or separately.

But when it comes to stronger convictions, then yes, compromise is important, but only insofar as people don't feel their losing their sense(s) of self. For example, if one member of the couple wants 10 kids, and the other wants none, it's not much of a compromise to agree on 5 kids. After all, the former still gets a large family, whereas the latter does not get anything that he or she wants, in any way, shape or form. Hence, the issues of children, religion, where to live and money are often deal-breakers in relationships.

Re: Does compromise hurt relationships?
I agree with jespah.

As far as the situation you mention goes, you need to sit down with your friend and tell her that you want to be sensitive to the idea of doing things she wants, but that it's only fair you both agree on these things. For instance, a good friend of mine and her husband used to go to movies quite often (before the kids) and would take turns on the movie choice. For every action flick he wanted to see, he would agree to go see a "chick flick" that she wanted to see. It seemed to work well for them. Perhaps you could do something like that with your friend? I'm sure there are things you both enjoy doing, but when it comes to the things you feel less than thrilled about, make an agreement with her that she will have to make a future compromise.

I see what you mean. I wonder about these rules though. I think that making rules like the one you descibed would lead you down the road to keeping score, which I don't think is the best way to go. I think it might lead to a competition between the people involved, which is ultimately going to lead to bad things down the road. Of course, when it comes to something simple like movies, I don't see anything wrong with it. I guess it's the big things that are much tougher to negotiate. Thanks for the thoughts on the matter. Much appreciated.

It doesn't have to result in a "keeping score" kind of thing. When it gets to that point, then obviously there's more going on in the relationship then who compromised last. For the big stuff you need to negotiate. You need to get across to her what's important to you and then encourage her to open up to you what's important to her. I think it's likely a rare thing for two people to be completely compatible on all the stuff that matters.

Nope, but holding a grudge does. You need to be able to communicate needs and desires, otherwise any relationship is doomed.

One might as well say "does having sex hurt relationships?" Compromise is absolutely necessary. Two people in a relationship can't co-exist without some compromise. It's the way the compromise is handled, and whether it is satisfactory to both parties, and as Ceili says, the communication necessary to make sure it is satisfactory.

In the battle between the sexes being able to compromise is both a virtue and a necessity. Without it you will always be the loser.