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Re-gifting

 
 
Julia64
 
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 05:46 pm
Two years ago I painted a picture for a friend and bought a moderately priced frame ($20-25) for the painting — the gift was well received. Last week, I received a framed photo from the same person and realized it was the same frame I had given him — it seems he got rid of the matte on the painting I gave him and wanted to now get a smaller frame. I was not told this gift was the frame I gotten him until I noticed the painting without frame on his work table. I was very upset by this and asked my friend to explain — he then told me the truth but kind of brushed it off. I would like to return the frame but don’t want to seem spiteful or rude — what are your thoughts? I had never had anyone, to my knowledge, alter a painting I had done before either…wasn’t sure what to make of that…Sad
 
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 06:00 pm
@Julia64,
Once you give someone a gift, it is theirs to do want they want.

Don't be petty, let it go.
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 06:07 pm
@Julia64,
You gifted it, it's not yours anymore.
Some art looks better without a mat - which many think are passe' - and that may be the friend's judgement.
Or, the friend may be either poor or cheap and trying to make do and reuse the bigger frame - but that doesn't sound just right to me, too much trouble.
Or he thought you'd be amused, with the passing of something back and forth.
In any case, it is not now your business, although I can understand your feelings. But - the friend did not alter the painting.

I'm a painter, have sold many paintings and given a few as gifts. My bigger oil paintings I just use lath or 1x wood, to let the buyer or whoever make their own choice based on their taste, household decor, etc. Superb framing by experts is usually quite expensive. I've seen way more horrid framing than excellent framing. Myself, I like the starter frames as read-away.

I once donated a painting to a university and they framed it with - to me - a completely wrong frame. So it goes. People liked it anyway.
0 Replies
 
Julia64
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 06:15 pm
@chai2,
I was always was taught that the number 1 rule about re-gifting was to never regift to the original gifter -- at least if you do choose to do that, let the person know and don't try to deceive...is that really petty..?
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 06:29 pm
@Julia64,
Yes.

The art was the photo. You may or may not have gotten a kick out of his using the same frame.
You are taking it as deception - if it was the same exact frame, I would expect that he knew you would recognize it. Or he thinks frames are just utilitarian.

Instead of liking (or not liking) the photo (was it taken by him? is it an enlargement?), you are going on about regifting rules that you were always taught about.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 07:25 pm
@Julia64,
Well, you asked for people thoughts. Those are mine. regardless if it's not what you wanted to hear.

I know of no rules, you give a gift, it's theirs.
Period.
0 Replies
 
firefly
 
  2  
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 10:18 pm
@Julia64,
Quote:
I was always was taught that the number 1 rule about re-gifting was to never regift to the original gifter -- at least if you do choose to do that, let the person know and don't try to deceive...is that really petty..?

I don't think you're being petty.

The frame was part of your gift with your painting. To get it back, as a re-gift, from the person you gave it to, without some sort of explanation, is rude and thoughtless behavior on the other person's part.
Quote:
I would like to return the frame but don’t want to seem spiteful or rude — what are your thoughts?

You should not return the frame. Why compound the other person's bad manners with a display of bad manners on your part?

I'm not sure that significant deception was involved. Maybe your friend was short of cash, or he was being inappropriately frugal or pragmatic in re-using the frame you gave him for his photo gift to you, and he just hoped you wouldn't notice it was the same frame, or he felt too awkward about being more upfront with you about it. But, if this is a person whose friendship you otherwise value, I'd just forget it, and chalk it up to a gauche social blunder on his part, and far from the worst thing a friend could do. He was giving you a photo as a gift and he likely didn't intend to offend you with his gift.

As far as his removing the mat from the painting you gave him, and deciding to re-frame it, I agree with what others here have said--once you give a gift, it belongs to the other person and they can do with it however they wish. Except that really shouldn't include re-gifting part of it back to you. Laughing

It may be the combination of both seeing your painting altered, and having the frame given back to you, that got you upset--it was as though your friend wasn't sufficiently valuing the total gift you gave him, or your effort in matting it, and monetary outlay in framing it, or your choice in how you wanted your painting displayed. Well, it's his painting now, and your tastes may differ in how it looks best, and he's entitled to enjoy it or alter it any way that he wants to. If this really bothers you, don't give him another of your paintings as a gift. But, if he's a friend you want to keep, I wouldn't do much more than that. You've already let him know you were upset by his behavior, and, hopefully, he'll be more thoughtful and considerate about this sort of thing in the future.
Ceili
 
  3  
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 10:48 pm
Here's a thought.. instead of being pissed by something so petty, re-gift the frame on his birthday. It could be your thing, a running joke, a tradition. You could paint the frame, or bejewel it, or add feathers. Just don't ruin a friendship over a cheap frame.
Rockhead
 
  3  
Reply Sun 13 May, 2012 10:49 pm
@Ceili,
or paint a picture of him wrapping the frame. and frame it as a gift...
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 12:02 am
@Ceili,
Why not? Mother and her sister "re-gifted" each other for years with a ten dollar bill. When times got hard, they started exchanging fives.
0 Replies
 
Julia64
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 05:02 am
@firefly,
thanks so much firefly -- that was great advice -- i really appreciate it:)
0 Replies
 
Julia64
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 05:03 am
@Ceili,
ha -- that's not a bad idea -- thanks:)
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 08:00 am
@firefly,
Quote:
The frame was part of your gift with your painting. To get it back, as a re-gift, from the person you gave it to, without some sort of explanation, is rude and thoughtless behavior on the other person's part.


I agree - it shows no caring or personal thought in the gift. Personally I'd rather not receive a gift or would prefer to be given a card with a personal note in it than a re-gift.

I once received a gift (for my wedding) - opened it up and in it was a card that said congratulations Fred and Wilma - we were not Fred and Wilma, the gift givers were and we were just at their wedding a couple of months prior.

Quote:
You should not return the frame. Why compound the other person's bad manners with a display of bad manners on your part?



I agree with this as well - as tempting as it was to include congrats note in my Thank you letter to this couple, instead, wrote a thank you - but I did say "Thank you for your very thoughtful gift." Even though the sarcasim did not show through - it made me feel a little better and now I have a great story to tell and I can hold my head up high for taking the high road.

CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 09:29 am
I like Ceili's idea! Set up a tradition with re-gifting that frame Smile
Put a card in the frame that reads "I framed you, you framed me and now we're both framed"....or something humorous and clever and he'll get the
joke and you both can laugh over it.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 09:37 am
@CalamityJane,
You could make it fun too - by being creative with some thing to include in the frame (maybe as in a real gift). A picture, movie tickets....
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 10:32 am
@Linkat,
He did that already..
she didn't get it, if that was his motive (which we don't know but artists are often playful).
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 10:44 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
I agree - it shows no caring or personal thought in the gift.


I took it that the photograph was his gift to her, much as the painting was her gift to him. I agree with Osso that it's likely best to give unframed art as a gift - matting and framing are extremely personal choices.

ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 10:48 am
@Ceili,
What's the upside of keeping the frame in play? it could remind the original giver that it wasn't appreciated to begin with, and also annoy the person who returned it once already.

Agreed-to re-gifting is a bit of an art between friends, it's not successful for everyone.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 11:00 am
@ehBeth,
Totally agree ehbeth, with both your previous posts.

In addition to the fact the gift is now the property of the friend, to do with what they want, the gift itself was the art, not the frame.

The regifting it over again to the friend is uber petty, in IMHO.

Perhaps petty is not the word the OP envisions, maybe it's not exactly the right word.

However, it's certainly not gracious.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 May, 2012 11:05 am
@ehBeth,
I think I missed that he included a photo in the gift - I thought it was just the frame re-gifted.

Guess that's what I get for not thoroughly reading.
0 Replies
 
 

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