IS A FIB SOMETIMES PREFERABLE TO THE TRUTH?

<grimaces and grits teeth>

Hmmm...

I think the first question is how good of a friend. "Old", but still a close friend, or merely a friendly acquaintance?

I would tell the truth to a close friend, even if it were difficult, because I would know they would expect it from me. I would tell the truth to a non-close friend who I didn't expect to see again, or didn't want to see again. I think I wouldn't tell the truth to a friendly acquaintance, though, or at least I would choose my truth carefully; "My goodness, I can tell you put so much work and careful thought into this! I have always dreamed of writing a book, I am in awe of the fact that you truly pulled it off!" One can usually find true things to say that are also complimentary.

That's a toughie, though!

Very funny!


Yes, it IS difficult sozobe. We share a rather passionate political history & the novel is about those times. He is very interested to see what I think.

But it's really about choosing what to say to someone you really care about when the truth might hurt them. I knew of a man who lied to his partner after years of (his) infidelity because he couldn't bear to hurt her feelings. (of course she was terribly hurt after years of not knowing what he was really doing & wondering why he seemed so distracted & distant ....)

I'm going to keep reading & hope that that I find a few redeeming features ....

Yes, if you haven't finished, perhaps there is hope.

If not, maybe use the shared history -- "the book really brought me back, [insert anecdote and attendant emotion], I found your take on _________ really interesting, I had thought more like ______, can you tell me more about how you arrived at that conclusion?" Ask methodology questions, act impressed. :-? (I'd be genuinely impressed with most anyone who managed to get an actual book finished and published.)

Thanks for your constructive thoughts, soz. (You are ALWAYS constructive ... I like that! )

It's interesting to me that this person's life is so much more interesting than his writing. It pales in comparison, really. He is not really a close friend, more a very close fellow traveller. (Vietnam/ unionism, etc ... We were always on the same side.)
In a way I'm almost embarrassed for him, that he believes he's recorded those times so faithfully in his fiction. The events, the involvement were so much more involving & urgent than the fictionalized account.

I've faced this situation, in some case where the author as used my material and IMHO got it all wrong. I try to address my differences without being derogatory or critical. In one case I kept my mouth shut and I'm glad I did, the book went on to win a prestigious award. In your case it is fiction so I would just say it's not your kind of novel, he's not asking you to review it.

In other situations the truth/white lie boundary depends very much on whether you enjoy sleeping on the living room couch.

Putting myself in the old friend's shoes, I would prefer to hear the truth, especially from my friends. I would be hurt should I discover I was being so misled.

But, as well as views on this particular situation, I'd be interested to know of others' experiences in similar circumstances.
Have you ever felt that voicing the truth of your feelings & perceptions might be very hurtful toward someone you really don't want to hurt?
What were the circumstances?
How did you deal with it?
Has someone ever told a white lie (or huge fib) to save your feelings (about something that matters) & you've discovered the truth of their feelings later?
How did you respond to that?

Thanks for your input, Acquiunk & Edgar. I can now see myself thinking, thinking, thinking of ways to say what my perceptions are & finding an acceptable way to communicate them.
It doesn't help that this fellow has a gigantic ego! But he's sincere & I'll do my best. I certainly won't be saying: "Wow that's a fantastic bit of writing!", anyway ....

It's tough, but in this case the only answer I can see.

Yes.

Yes.

I tell little white lies all the time. Where I work, I don't think I could get through it without patronizing or outright lying to at least one person a day. But that's work. I do think that the more you care about the person in question, the more you are compelled to let them know how you really feel.

Yikes!!! This is a toughie.

I tell white social lies sometimes - "I'd love to come, but I am busy that night" unless I think it will do harm - eg string a fella along if he has not realized that the first couple of such refusals indicate lack of interest...

This one, though. I do not think I could lie. I mean, I could lie about a meal, but not something serious, like this....

I think you have your feedback already...something like - "I really liked this and this - but, I find you haven't really conveyed the passion and intensity...."

His reactions will dictate whether you get more into it or not. Some folk like real criticism - many don't. Some hate it at the time, but learn from it.

Just make sure you have some real positives.

Just my view.....

Morning, Olga. A couple of questions here. Did your friend publish the book himself, or go through a publishing company?

How are the sales of his book going?

The reason that I ask these two questions, is because if a publisher saw redeeming features in his book, then I would concentrate on those aspects.

If his book is selling, there's another plus.

I think he would appreciate your honest comments tempered with the positive side of things.

People appreciate constructive criticism, because it will help them improve with the next attempt. There are ways to do that, and one of the best is asking questions that may lead them to question themselves.

It sounds like you and your friend have history together. I think the fact that the book is a "fait accompli" that you would answer his query differently than if it were a work in progress. Had it not yet been published, I think that you reasonably could have offered more incisive editorial comment.

I have a technique, when I have to criticize something, that I find works, and saves the persons feelings. I call it a "sandwich", where you begin with a compliment, state your criticism in the middle, and finish with something positive. I would start with something complimentary, praising his hard work, his eye for detail, etc.

Then I would point out some of the errors or inconsistencies that you found in the book. It is not, at this point in the book's life, to lay it on too thick. I would do it in a lighthearted way.

I would finish by making positive statement about the book, in generalities. Is there something that you particularly liked? Was it written well? Now is the time to say that.

By this method, you are being honest, not lying, and and the same time, sparing your friend's feelings.

Hi Olga, From the writer's perspective, I'd want the truth. However, that's just me.

When I'm asked for an opinion, I give one. I've been asked for my opinion of friends' writing. In each case, we got into an argument. Don't ask me if you don't want to hear the answer.

I've also asked friends for opinions on some of my writing. We never got into an argument. I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.

This is tough. But considering that you said he's got a big ego and he seems very proud, I'd fudge. Either that, or avoid him. Could you tell him you didn't read it? Didn't have time? Lost your glasses? Need glasses? Have sworn off reading? I dunno.

I'm trying to remember a time when I told a white lie to spare someone's feelings. My mother gave me an awful, ugly, horrible necklace. I didn't tell her right off the bat that I didn't like it. It got complicated and unpleasant. I finally said I didn't like it.

this is all really good advice - you could also say how interesting different peoples perspectives on the same events can be????

Olga, I've been thinking about this. It's one thing to say that you don't like the subject matter or it's not the kind of book you oridinarily like. But in this case, you think the writing is poor. That's a hard bit of criticism to take.

After further cogitation, I think you might want to tell him the "goods" and the "bads." Assuming, of course, that you can find some goods.

If you find the writing boring, maybe you could tell him that it was a bit subdued for your taste. Oh, hell, I don't know.

Someone told me that the first part of one of my books was dull. I didn't care. But he's not me.

I've been telling my sister-in-law that I love her for years, and that's working out just fine!