Presonality

Not to sound harsh but, who cares about the friendships you may or may not have made in 1st grade? You were, what, six years old? Friendships are now different for you, or they should be.

So let's chop out your early years. I think they're irrelevant. Truly, I do.

I think you really got to the heart of it by admitting that you're lazy. Are you too lazy to change? You need to go out and meet people, and make an effort in order to make friends. They don't just come to you. Those people also lead busy lives. And they may be a bit lazy, too. Make it easier for them. Go where they are. Do the things you like to do - but with other people. E. g. if you're a runner, join a gym or go outside; don't just stay in your home, alone, running on a treadmill. Like collecting stamps? It may seem like a solitary activity but there are clubs. See what I'm talking about?

Well. I was just explaining about how i got like this since because of my childhood and all. I don't know really. It really bugs me that I'm like this AND my parents don't even realize it. But I guess I should try to change... AGAIN!

Not to sound harsh or offensive. I can't change. I am who I am. I can make friends. But only those who are like me. Or have the same likes and such. And I always make an effort of trying to make friends. But somehow I can't really get closer to them. There are people that always want attention from there friends. Like they are talking with other people they don't know so they join them. Me? I just wait for him/her to finish talking or just leave. There are people that like to get up and talk to the other guy at the other side of the room. Me? I just like to stay put. I have tried doing that. But I can not keep a conversation that long. So I kind of gave up. I have bad social skills... So not good enough to talk to a person that doesn't have the same interest as me.

I can understand that you can make friends that don't have the same interest as you. Even maybe if there the total opposite of you. But somehow... I can't do that. It's not like I'm not trying though. Sure I can make false mask and act all energetic and talkative to knew people. But I can't really keep it up. And they would start to wonder of even think weirdly of me why I lost that energy when I first met them. So I just choose just to be quiet but attentive. But I don't like that side of myself.

They say that there are people that are really the soloist. And somehow I'm starting to think that... And I don't like it. Cus I think that's a wrong way to think.

But, Thanks for the advice though. So don't think it has gone to waste

Oh, bullshit that you can't change. And your parents? Well, I have no idea what your age is but right about the time I was 11 or so, my parents stopped having responsibility for my feelings, actions and behaviors. Not to say that I was a grownup or anything but at a certain point in time, it stops being about how others can or will mold you. It's about how you mold yourself. It is about how you change.

Everyone can. It's why we have big brains tucked between our ears.

But I understand reluctance. And I understand shyness (which may be a part of what you're dealing with). I also suspect you're dealing with a bit of depression. You don't need to be depressed to be introverted, but you seem to want to do something about it but then somehow can't. The "can't" part, to me, says something is keeping that from happening. There is such a thing as social anxiety disorder, and you can talk to a doctor if it bothers you that much.

BTW, being unable to make friends with people who aren't like you is called being human. Most people cannot make friends with everyone on the planet. It's why they're called friends - we are selective. You should be polite and civil to most people but friends? No - there is no need to be bosom buddies with everyone you meet. The term friend should be special, and reserved for only a few people. This doesn't mean you're some James Dean loner. It just means you're selective.

Selective? I never really thought of that before. And I've made a lot of assumptions about why I'm like this, but not that. Maybe your right. But... I'm so selective that I sometimes end up hurting people. Like once, there was a few people who try to get close to me. I also tried. I even acted like I was interested in what they do and such. But after a while I don't really find myself hanging out with them. And they end up thinking I'm being to proud or something. Or that I really don't like them. But the truth is that I'm okay with them.

And there's also this. At first glance. People would think I'm a happy go lucky person. But I'm the total opposite. And it kind of irritates me that I can't be a little like how I look... (I know. I should act like myself instead of someone else. But I feel like I should act like that... but I somehow can't. No matter how hard I try)

And I don't think a doctor would help. I understand myself all to well. And I already know all my problems. I just need to (maybe) accept them and over come them if I can. And I have accepted them. But I'm kind of giving up on over coming them... Ah well.

Here's another thought although I think jespah makes some very good suggestions.

You are still in college, correct? If so, there much be some organizations available there to join - think of something you like, and see if there is an organization you can join. then you will be a part of a group with other people that you at least have one thing in common. You can begin by talking about whatever the heck the organization is about and then as you get more comfortable with knowing some of the people, you can branch out to other things.

I think one thing you need to do is get out of your comfort zone with being alone. Be honest even if it is hard when you do begin opening a bit - let that "friend" know what you have experienced in the past, your difficulities and sometimes you are basically just socially awkard. A friend appreciates these honest moments and will help you with them. That way if you do something - like make it seem you are hurting them - by not saying something or reaching out to them - they may understand you are not being proud, but just inexperienced at being friends.

Rubbish - you change almost every day of your life. Everytime you learn anything (whether knowledge or a skill) you change. Every time your awareness grows, you change. Every time you pick up a new habit, you change. Everytime you find a new like or dislike, you change. Change is what powers our life, and benefits all our future endeavours.

Did you know you can learn to make fun of yourself - most consider that a wonderful personality change. Did you know you can learn to persuade / influence people - most consider that a charismatic personality change. Did you know you can learn to tell stories really well - most consider that a light hearted and good natured change. etc.

Are you aware that we have multiple competing sections of our brain? ie. The brain isn't one big cohesive organ - it actually has several sub-organs within it. I don't recall the actual names for the different parts, but our instinct section is found in the rear bottom of the brain, the emotional part is on top of that, the logical part is right at the top, and there's a few other parts too, but our instincts, emotions, and logic all compete to reach a decision...hence we can often be in conflict with ourselves.

I consider it vital that we understand this when we are struggling with conflicting interests.

If a part of you truly wants to be friends, and you aren't developing friendships, it's because another part of you is subconsciously working against this. This causes great problems in our lives...and conversely, once we bring ourselves into alignment, we seem to almost effortlessly achieve the things we want.
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A large part of your current problems will be unconscious habits that you have developed which are designed to push people away. You don't 'stop old habits', but rather, you replace old habits with new habits.

If I may suggest - stand in front of a mirror, and think about an interaction with someone that made you uncomfortable. Pinpoint the time when you became uncomfortable, clearly recall how you felt...and only once you can recall what you felt, repeat the words you said, and watch your facial reactions.

Then try doing the same for something that only made you mildly uncomfortable, and watch your facial reactions.

When the new way of behaving becomes subconsciously acquired...you will then find yourself easily slipping into the habit of friendly warmth. (the new habits of course, may take a while to be acquired subconsciously - but the results are valuable, and will be a powerful force within you, helping you achieve)

One of these instances would be good for the above exercise.

After you've done this...you can practice in front of the mirror, responding in a friendly, warm tone, with open (ie friendly) body language, while looking them directly in the eye and smiling.

practice that several times.

And every time you experience a relapse, stand in front of the mirror and practice several times a warm, friendly response.

Doing so says to your subconcsious that 'this is the way I want to be'.

Don't forget though that you are fighting years of ingrained habit, and deeper fears that you haven't yet confronted and soothed away. So it will take time, and you will have relapses (probably plenty of them). Just face it knowing you will get better and better at being warm and friendly.

So you reject them, leading to them rejecting you – leading to you to move distancing yourself from other people who you might reject (which would lead them to reject you)...is that right?

Or the short form...you reject them...and because of their negative reaction to you rejecting them (what a surprise), you then choose to be unsociable?

If you are looking to be friendlier (and therefore obtain more friends) - you need to be aware of this cycle you created.

The red part is just one truth. As I mentioned earlier - we can have competing interests within ourselves. There is another truth in you that they are seeing. Whether its that you are too proud, or some other 'truth' is something for you to find the answer to.

You don't need a doctor, but a psychologist would probably be rather beneficial to you.

Short of that - start training yourself to be warm, friendly, with friendly eyes and an easy smile. Train yourself to open up your body language and let people in. It's quite possible. It takes a short time for some, and a long time for others. But for everyone, it's very worthwhile.

I left out the bit in red from the initial post.

Thank you guys for replying to my post. Especially vikorr. I'll try and follow your advice. It was really helpful of you guys!