My wife is in love with a woman

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So here is the situation. Just to preface this whole thing, I am sorry about the randomness of some of this posting, being that I am just trying to get all the facts and my thoughts down. My wife has told me recently that she is in love with a woman. She has said, and I believe her, that they have not engaged in any sexual activity other than kissing the night before she told me she loved her as more than a friend. She has told me that she cannot foresee leaving me for her, because she is still is in love with me also. Just so I don't have to repeat this, we have a very honest and loving relationship, so all the things I say she has told me I believe 100% to be true. We have talked about the situation just about everyday since she told me a week ago. I am not mad at her or the woman she is in love with, whom I have met and actually like. As a matter of fact, the 3 of us sat down and talked about the situation together. I have told them both that I am not mad, but just sad that the woman I love with all my heart is in love with someone else also. The woman she is in love with is having a hard time with a rough divorce as a result of the kissing session because someone saw and told her husband. They had many problems before and had talked about divorce before also, so my wifes relationship with her is only the final tipping point for her friends divorce. My wife essentially asked if I would be ok with her having a sexual relationship with this friend. After thinking about it for a day or two, I told her that I would not be comfortable with that scenario although I truly wish that I was ok with it and not jealous in any way. Since I love her and want her to be happy, I have told her that it is ok with me if she continues to talk to and see this woman on a platonic level. My wife has told me that just seeing her platonically is ok for now but she cannot just stop being in love with her and it is hard, when they are together to not be able to hug and kiss her, especially as her friends divorce gets even messier. I am completely scared about what the future holds. I am scared that if I continue to try and keep them from being together intimately, it just makes the sexual tension between them even worse. I am scared that I am pushing her away by not allowing her to be happy by being in the relationship. I am scared that if I relent and allow her to pursue the relationship with my blessing that she will not only love her more but that she will be thinking about her even when she is with me. I have told her all these things and she assures me that she will always love me, still finds me sexually attractive and would never leave me and our family. She tells me frequently that she is in love with her and every time it kills me. She has told me that at some point in the future that she may pursue the relationship regardless of what my feelings are about it and at that point, it is my decision to either accept it or not. From the way she has talked about it, I believe this is probably going to happen. When I was playing the "what if" game, I asked if she was comfortable with all 3 of us being in love and having an intimate relationship. My wife has said emphatically that she would not be ok with her friend and I sleeping together or the 3 of us sleeping together. I do not want to make my wife choose between us, because I love her so much and do truly want her to be happy and choosing would be something that would tear her apart. She has also told me that if I gave her the ok to pursue the relationship with her friend that she would be ok with me finding another woman to love also, as long as I was not attempting to replace her in any way, and that she would always be the number one love in my life, which she is and will always be. I have told her that I don't really want to fall in love with anyone else. I think that just about covers the situation for now. I just wanted some input from outside sources to give me some perspective about the whole situation and what you might suggest I do.

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@troubledhusband,

I don't blame you for being scared. There was a betrayal of your trust. Your wife alaso participated in her female's friend betraying her hubby's trust.
This doesn't bode well for all of you having a happy ending the way this is going now.

Off the top of my head, I think it could be a phase she's going through. Is she willing to go to counseling? This could be very premature and maybe is a crush? Has she ever felt this way about another woman before?

I strongly suggest counseling either joint or individual therapy. Not being jealous...? I think you could be in denial. Did she tell you that it was her desire BEFORE it happened? This is cheating no matter how you want to spin it. She cheated on you and you are blocking out the anger.

I don't see how long she has known this woman or why she thinks she is in love with the woman..especially if she hasn't been intimate. On what is she basing this love?

I see this as infatuation. The woman is going through a volatile end to her marriage. The basis of her friend's hubby's wanting a divorce was a kissing session with your wife. Isn't that another betrayal? This is not stacking up so well as a reflection on your wife's character.

However, if after she spends time REALLY thinking about this she wants to pursue it, I'd seek a separation. I doubt the odds are good you'll be successful ultimately and/or want to be in such a marriage.

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@troubledhusband,

troubledhusband wrote:

My wife essentially asked if I would be ok with her having a sexual relationship with this friend. After thinking about it for a day or two, I told her that I would not be comfortable with that scenario although I truly wish that I was ok with it and not jealous in any way. Since I love her and want her to be happy, I have told her that it is ok with me if she continues to talk to and see this woman on a platonic level. My wife has told me that just seeing her platonically is ok for now but she cannot just stop being in love with her and it is hard, when they are together to not be able to hug and kiss her, especially as her friends divorce gets even messier. I am completely scared about what the future holds.

I'm gonna go with this as the essence of your post. Big, humongous paragraphs are incredibly hard to read and follow. But I think I've got the gist here.

1) Marriages where one person wants a sexual relationship with a third party (and that goes on with consent) are called Open marriages. These do exist, they are not new.
2) However, they are also rare. Most people cannot get past not just jealousy but the simple facts of things like vows, morality and whatnot.
3) We can all have friends outside of marriage, of any gender or sexual preference. Isolating a spouse from his/her friends is often a sign of abuse, either extant or incipient. Having no problem with your wife having a platonic friend is, well, it's not a lot to get worked up about on either side. It's what you should do and it's what she should be able to expect.
4) The problem, of course, is that your wife has feelings for this woman. Would your behaviors be any different if this was a guy - this was Stuart instead of Stephanie (to throw out some fake names)?
5) It's impossible to tell whether the friend's apparent bisexuality is any part of the initial cause of her divorce. But what is true is that she is going through a divorce and may be feeling unloved. She may be clinging to someone who feels safe and receptive. Once the friend's divorce is finalized, she may very well go to fish in a different pond, whether it's to go for boyfriends or for other, unattached women. But right now the friend is not thinking straight. Not necessarily about her sexuality but about her divorce. Divorces are traumatic and people do all sorts of weird stuff while they are happening. A rebound for the friend is not good for the friend (I know you didn't ask this, but it's true).
6) Your wife, feeling nurturing, is also getting the signal that she (your wife) is desirable to someone other than you. This is amping up her libido and now she's fascinated with (has a crush on) her friend.

Your wife's friend needs to stop using your wife as a crutch and a therapist, and as a validation of her own desirability. Your wife is probably not seeing it as being like that, but that's how it looks from this end.

Your wife needs to recognize that she's being used as a life raft on the sinking ship that is her friend's marriage/self-esteem.

Can they remain pals without making out again? I doubt it.
Can you forbid her from seeing her pal without causing a rift? Again, I doubt it.
What to do? My suggestion - be the one who shores up your wife's self-esteem. Be the one who shows and tells her how wonderful she is (and a vacation away would also potentially have the effect of removing temptation and getting the pal to cool down a bit as well).
And I would also suggest - but only if it's brought up and not before - to tell your wife that a rebound is no good for the friend right now. And that these behaviors are likely the result of the friend's panic about the divorce and will likely cool down later. Does your wife want to rush into things (and screw up a good thing with you) for the sake of her pal who, likely, is being amped up by the divorce but will cool down later?

The friend is being exciting and different, and telling your wife how wonderful she is. The friend is forbidden and strange and pushing all of the nurturing/verboten/exciting buttons.

So be the person who pushes those buttons instead.

Oh, and counseling - man oh man - that should be a given here.

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Can I ask the ages of all parties, here?

Are there children?

I think you and your wife need a weekend away.

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@PUNKEY,

I am 37 and my wife is 32. We have 4 children ages 13, 10, 7 and 22 months. Which is another reason I believe that she is honest when she says she would never leave me, our kids, whom she loves just as much as I do. I want to add that I am an individual with very liberal ideas. Had anyone asked me before this situation if I was cool with my wife sleeping with a woman I am pretty sure I would have said yes. I think the biggest problem I have with the whole situation is the "in love" part. For some reason I think I would care less if it were someone she didn't love as she does. I know she has had tendencies to make out with girls when she drinks, but she has told me in the past that she doesn't think she could sleep with a woman, do the deed, so to speak.

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@troubledhusband,

troubledhusband wrote:

.... I know she has had tendencies to make out with girls when she drinks, ...

That's a fairly important piece of information that was missing from the original post.

Most people do not simply make out with the same sex, even while hammered - particularly folks who are older than early 20s (pretend-lesbianism seems to be in vogue in some areas, as a means of, ironically, attracting male attention, although sometimes to deflect it. That does not appear to be the case here as your wife's age, and the fact that you are married, goes against that).

Anyway - yeah, counseling.

Go. Yesterday.

My money is on it only being a matter of time and opportunity before she does the deed.

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Why do you think your wife will stay with you because of the kids?

You are in dreamland, kiddo.

You need to stop giving your wife mixed messages about her affair (It's OK honey, just don't fall in love. You can kiss her, but don't have sex)

Counseling ASAP, too.
(With all those kids, she could even be in a post-partum state, acting out.)

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@troubledhusband,

NOBODY can predict what they will or won't do in the future, as in she says she'll never leave you, etc etc. Given her previous female interests, I don't think you stand a chance, but that's your decision.

And Jes is right - long, rambling sentences contained in one para are damned difficult and annoying to read, which is why I skipped over whole tracts.

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I can say this. I am in the same situation right now. I was deployed in the military and while I was gone my wife started hanging out with this Lesbian all the time. I never thought anything of it until she stopped calling, started blowing me off and not making time for me. Then I got home and things were in pieces she talked about leaving and what not and I didnt know why. Then she started going to counseling on her own. And finally one morning told me she had emotional feelings for that girl. I asked her if it was ever anything more than that, ever anything physical and she told me NO.. So we started going to counsling and things seemed to be getting better. About 8 months went by and I thought things were good.. Well about 2 months ago the Lesbian contacted me And everything was a lie. They were having sex for 8months while I was deployed and while I was home. And even the time that I thought our marriage was back to normal and they had no contact with eachother. They were sending nude pictures back and forth without me knowing. They too were in Love. And im trying to decide if its worth fixing anymore even though she supposidly wants nothing to do with the girl anymore. All I can say from my experience is there isnt much you can really do. Go to counseling for sure though

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@troubledhusband,

Polyamory. Look it up, it works for a lot of people.

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My wife is in love with a woman

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