@troubledhusband,
troubledhusband wrote:
My wife essentially asked if I would be ok with her having a sexual relationship with this friend. After thinking about it for a day or two, I told her that I would not be comfortable with that scenario although I truly wish that I was ok with it and not jealous in any way. Since I love her and want her to be happy, I have told her that it is ok with me if she continues to talk to and see this woman on a platonic level. My wife has told me that just seeing her platonically is ok for now but she cannot just stop being in love with her and it is hard, when they are together to not be able to hug and kiss her, especially as her friends divorce gets even messier. I am completely scared about what the future holds.
I'm gonna go with this as the essence of your post. Big, humongous paragraphs are incredibly hard to read and follow. But I think I've got the gist here.
1) Marriages where one person wants a sexual relationship with a third party (and that goes on with consent) are called
Open marriages. These do exist, they are not new.
2) However, they are also
rare. Most people cannot get past not just jealousy but the simple facts of things like vows, morality and whatnot.
3) We can all have friends outside of marriage, of any gender or sexual preference. Isolating a spouse from his/her friends is often a sign of abuse, either extant or incipient. Having no problem with your wife having a platonic friend is, well, it's not a lot to get worked up about on either side. It's what you should do and it's what she should be able to expect.
4) The problem, of course, is that your wife has feelings for this woman. Would your behaviors be any different if this was a guy - this was Stuart instead of Stephanie (to throw out some fake names)?
5) It's impossible to tell whether the friend's apparent bisexuality is any part of the initial cause of her divorce. But what is true is that she is going through a divorce and may be feeling unloved. She may be clinging to someone who feels safe and receptive. Once the friend's divorce is finalized, she may very well go to fish in a different pond, whether it's to go for boyfriends or for other, unattached women. But right now the friend is not thinking straight. Not necessarily about her sexuality but about her divorce. Divorces are traumatic and people do all sorts of weird stuff while they are happening. A rebound for the friend is not good for the friend (I know you didn't ask this, but it's true).
6) Your wife, feeling nurturing, is also getting the signal that she (your wife) is desirable to someone other than you. This is amping up her libido and now she's fascinated with (has a crush on) her friend.
Your wife's friend needs to stop using your wife as a crutch and a therapist, and as a validation of her own desirability. Your wife is probably not seeing it as being like that, but that's how it looks from this end.
Your wife needs to recognize that she's being used as a life raft on the sinking ship that is her friend's marriage/self-esteem.
Can they remain pals without making out again? I doubt it.
Can you forbid her from seeing her pal without causing a rift? Again, I doubt it.
What to do? My suggestion - be the one who shores up your wife's self-esteem. Be the one who shows and tells her how wonderful she is (and a vacation away would also potentially have the effect of removing temptation and getting the pal to cool down a bit as well).
And I would also suggest - but only if it's brought up and not before - to tell your wife that a rebound is no good for the friend right now. And that these behaviors are likely the result of the friend's panic about the divorce and will likely cool down later. Does your wife want to rush into things (and screw up a good thing with you) for the sake of her pal who, likely, is being amped up by the divorce but will cool down later?
The friend is being exciting and different, and telling your wife how wonderful she is. The friend is forbidden and strange and pushing all of the nurturing/verboten/exciting buttons.
So be the person who pushes those buttons instead.
Oh, and counseling - man oh man - that should be a given here.