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I'm too jealous and controlling and need help!

 
 
Reply Sat 10 Mar, 2012 03:59 pm
Hi everyone, i would seriously appreciate any advice anyone can give me. I'm a very jealous person. I have never realized until i started going out with my latest partner. He is very outgoing and charming and he chats to everyone, he is a very sociable person. He knows how to chat to anyone. The way i see it is that he flirts with girls. He says he does not flirt, he is just a friendly person. We have had so many arguments about it, he says im crazy and too jealous, that he doesnt do anything wrong. When i try to see it from his point of view, he is right, he never says anything wrong, hes just being friendly. Unfortunately when i see him talking to any girl, i go crazy, i accuse him of fancying them, and all sorts. I dont know how to change this behaviour, i dont want to lose him because of this! I realize im being an idiot. Any one can give me any advice please?? How can i change??? Thanks!!
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Type: Discussion • Score: 7 • Views: 10,254 • Replies: 10
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Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Mar, 2012 04:00 pm
@Sue12345,
Lock him in your room but do remember to feed now and then.
0 Replies
 
Stormwatch
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Mar, 2012 05:59 pm
@Sue12345,
Maybe you need to take a look at your own self esteem, and figure out why you feel threatened by his friendliness toward other girls. Obviously you have what he wants if he is with you...you just need to convince yourself of that.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Mar, 2012 07:29 am
This may not have ANYTHING to do with him. This is all you.

I bet if your really looked at yourself you would see this personality trait throughout your life - and in all domains of your life (work, love, family, community, health).

Try to find out where it's coming from before it ruins your entire life, not just with this guy.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Mar, 2012 01:33 am
@Sue12345,
Hello,

Quote:
I realize im being an idiot
If you've never before been jealous, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion so quickly.

I have a different take from the other advice given here. That is - IF you have never before felt jealousy around a partner - it may or may not be 'you'.

There are plenty of smooth men who 'never do anything wrong' who bed plenty of other women. Whether or not your partner is one of these types is for you to know.

I also have a suspicion that one of the reasons you are jealous is because you see reflections of the way he won your heart in the way he treats these other women....if so, then once again...you need to know whether this is the way he woo's women, or if you just fell in love with him for this friendliness trait of his.

There is also the question of how the two of you met. Certain ways of meeting result in the creation of trust issues, and therefore jealousy issues - for example, if the two of you got together while he had another girlfriend (not matter what excuses the guy comes up with) - this action creates trust issues between most partners.

Also, there is an issue with either your self-esteem, or your view of life. Long term jealousy ALWAYS results is lower self esteem and frequent unhappiness. That you choose to stay in a relationship with someone who causes you extreme jealousy should tell you something. It is something that you should get to the bottom of, and work out :
1. Why you put up with him (because you love him is NOT the issue)
2. Why you think you can't do better (because he's the best is NOT the issue)
3. Why you blame yourself
4. Any other issues you find arising from your situation

Lastly - in relation to the above paragraph, you need to understand that you are responsible for all your own feelings and decisions. Other people can contribute to your feelings and decisions - and they can influence your feelings and decisions...but your feelings & decisions are yours.

So when you ask 'why do I put up with him' - the answer starts with 'I think deep down inside me...' or 'when XX does YY, I feel...' or 'what I want in a relationship is ZZ and he provides ZZ' ...etc. In all of those, you acknowledge responsibility for your life, for your feelings, for who you are, for what you do etc

Hope it helps.
Darlene1974
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Feb, 2014 03:43 pm
@Sue12345,
The signs of flirting are very clear: there is lots of smiling over very little, laughter over really dumb things, non-stop talking only to each other excluding everyone else; touching of arms and shoulders hands even cheeks, a leaning close towards, perhaps whispering, stares to make eye-contact, little sexy remarks like ("Would you like to sit on my lap?" OR "You're so slim!" OR "You're so cute I could take you home in my suitcase." OR, "Your girlfriend is so lucky that you cook for her!"). There is no mistaking it. Monkeys, apes, chimpanzees, people, animals -- all know how to flirt. It is sexual. It advertises availability and attractiveness.

If your boyfriend is not doing these things above, then you are quite in the wrong and must control your impulse to be a wet blanket. He is just being friendly. You will destroy the relationship and yourself.
Darlene1974
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Feb, 2014 03:47 pm
@vikorr,
I largely agree with "Vikorr's" statements here. He is right. There is something wrong with your relationship here. Perhaps he stops paying attention to you when you are socializing. When I wanted to drive my old boyfriend bonkers, I spent the entire evening talking to other men...
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Feb, 2014 03:47 pm
@Darlene1974,
Apparently you're not aware but you're replying to a 2-yr-old thread. the OP is no longer active on this forum.
0 Replies
 
Lovedie12
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Apr, 2015 07:35 pm
I'm very jealous I'm in my late 30 s boyfriend is in his early 50s . We are In a long distance relationship it's hard for me. The majority of his friends are girls . He is always hanging out with them . Sometimes they spend the night at his place which I don't like at all. We really don't speak over the phone his always busy tells me to trust him . I love him he travels for work sometimes tells me one of his girlfriends shows up I don't agree with it . He tells me don't worry nothing will happen but I feel so unease . Their is so much more that drives me to act jealous . I need advice
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Apr, 2015 07:04 am
@Lovedie12,
Long distance? And he's socializing with other women, even them showing up on his business trips (Why wasn't that you?)

This guy is playing you - big time.

You are not being jealous. This is bizarre behavior from a man. And from you, because you believe him.

Drop him and find a REAL, IN-PERSON man.

PS HOW did you get into this mess? Stay off the damn computer!!
0 Replies
 
sold1968
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Sep, 2015 04:22 pm
@Sue12345,
Hi

I have a similar situation. My GF is Austrian. She is about to go on holiday. For her its fine to go into a sauna naked with people. I get it. Thats their culture. She said omg NO i would never go into one naked with lots of guys..i dont want to be checked out all the time.....but 1 guy is ok.

I said...

actualy thats worse...

more intimate

you in time room with just one guy

just u 2

for me thats grim

i raised the issue she said well its not happening toill after janauiary dont worry till then

:O(

0 Replies
 
 

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