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Tue 28 Feb, 2012 09:31 pm
I turned and left, with my dustless white coat waved in the cool breeze. The morning sun shone on my young and handsome face, while the blue sky gleamed against my starlike eyes.
(Note: I - the character is a doctor)
@oristarA,
I turned and left, with my dustless [do you want to convey a exceptionally clean coat?] white coat [waved]
waving in the cool breeze. The morning sun shone on my young and handsome face, while the blue sky gleamed against my starlike [what feeling are you trying to convey with 'starlike'?] eyes.
@JTT,
JTT wrote:
I turned and left, with my dustless [do you want to convey a exceptionally clean coat?] white coat [waved] waving in the cool breeze. The morning sun shone on my young and handsome face, while the blue sky gleamed against my starlike [what feeling are you trying to convey with 'starlike'?] eyes.
do you want to convey a exceptionally clean coat? Yes.
eyes likes stars in blue skies... Such artistical expression is what I want. JTT
He sounds more than a little vain. Nobody says "my young and handsome face" either in real life or properly written fiction.
@contrex,
contrex wrote:
He sounds more than a little vain. Nobody says "my young and handsome face" either in real life or properly written fiction.
How about in the case of being humorous and self-bragging?
@oristarA,
The reverse self deprecatory semi-autobiographical patter is brilliant.
@oristarA,
oristarA wrote:
I turned and left, with my dustless white coat waving in the cool breeze. The morning sun shone on my young and handsome face, while the blue sky gleamed against my starlike eyes.
The sky does not genrally gleam against things. Your starlike eyes might gleam with the reflection of the blue sky, I suppose.
@oristarA,
'spotless' sounds better than 'dustless.'
@contrex,
contrex wrote:
oristarA wrote:
I turned and left, with my dustless white coat waving in the cool breeze. The morning sun shone on my young and handsome face, while the blue sky gleamed against my starlike eyes.
The sky does not genrally gleam against things. Your starlike eyes might gleam with the reflection of the blue sky, I suppose.
This? --
I turned and left, with my spotless white coat waving in the cool breeze. The morning sun shone on my young and handsome face, while my starlike eyes gleamed against the blue skies.
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