Does time heal the pain of losing a loved one ?

Reply Wed 22 Feb, 2012 01:13 am
I think, yes.....there is a lot of healing after time and grieving.

I don't mean that there are not times when the pain is suddenly fresh again (I found myself suddenly quite upset only yesterday and missing my sister who died fifty years ago!) but that overall we fret less and less, the times when we don't think about the person at all become longer and longer, and usually when we do feel sadness, it is a gentle and loving sadness.

I have found with a sister that I have times when I grieve again.....kind of at different stages of life.....at this stage, when it is normal to have lost parents (I was eight when my sister died and fourteen when my mother did), I am missing her more again.....because, I suppose, you do, in this era at least, expect to have siblings still around at my age.

But really, you DO recover from loss, as long as you let yourself grieve. You're not the person you were, but life changes us all all the time.

Perhaps this is your first close death? Or at least the first time someone near your own age has died? If so, you are also dealing with the realization that death is real and that life can be randomly cruel.....these are huge realities to deal with and I think one can find it takes a long time to find life meaningful again, or to deal with the randomness of fate....you have lost the shield of denial that most of us carry around with us most of the time.

I don't think that's a bad thing....but it's tough.

The anger that Tsar mentions can also be disturbing if we don't understand that it's perfectly natural.

I hope posting here about your sister and your feelings might be helpful.

If you feel like it, maybe tell us more about her? It sounds as though she is very loved.
Reply Wed 22 Feb, 2012 09:20 am
My condolences for you're loved ones...and i agree with the gentle and loving sadness...I so hope you are right Sad death is a bitch smh
awww but losing at that age would have been so difficult especially you're mother Sad yeah i understand what you mean with having siblings still around when you are...this is so sad Sad I still believe everyone is different with grieving but it can be really hard

i so hope so, and it does change everything, you're views on god or even a whats the point to do anything attitude smh i don't know :\ death just pisses me off...Sad

Oh no, my great grams when i was 7 and close too...we had her body in the house and i cried my last night holding her, age13 nana got TB she raised me so when we took her home the adults didn't want to send her to a hospice so i said i will care for her while they worked but they said my school until my nana cried that she trusted only me. i already had a bed in there since we were partners in crime lol and i bathed her, meds, the morphine we were given so i would also give her the allowed amount but also record things down since i made a timetable chart in her room lol the one night i left her *she was sick for 8months * i decided to go out and get drunk, i got home and was so drunk i knocked out. when i was woken they said she was in the hospice because of soo much pain. walking in to see her...her breathing was slowed and hard like when you gasp and exhale hard...eyes blood shot red from not sleeping and she wasn't talking...and i told myself this was just a little visit then she will be ok again, so i kissed her and went to sleep in the visitors room...strange thing was i saw her in my dream and she looked healthy and how i always saw her but i asked
'where are you going young lady..." (we teased a lot) "Shopping, baby" "can i come?" when she looked sad shaking her head "not now...you know i love you, partners forever...i think my taxi is here, make sure you look after you're grandfather baby...toodaahhluuu" she said sadly until i was thrown off the couch by a cousin screaming at me to get to the room. I ran in and she was already dead. i didn't cry but i couldn't touch her. Her body came home for 2 nights and the last i finally went in when i touched her cold hard face i broke down...death of my grandfather i was 19 and he got dementia 2years before so the adults put him in a resthome which broke my heart but i visited everyday after school, family members visited once in a while but he wasn't a good father but to his grandchildren he was the best i could ever have...then i was offered a job in Australia from my uncle cos its great pay and i told him that if he could hold on a bit and i will set everything for us to get him out of there, he was still healthy when i left. 2months had past and i kept asking my family if they visited him and they would say they were going too then 3 months but one particular week i was ringing and facebooking the whole lot of them to please visit grandpa it just felt so important, i would ring but he wouldn't say much, only if he saw my face then he would try...Then one night i woke up crying but i just couldn't remember y from the dream, i was crying hysterically till i eventually fell back to sleep. 9 in the morning aus time (nz 3hours ahead) my older sis say's "santana" when i just started crying and said don't you ******* tell me he's dead..."
...... yeah he passed that night(im not saying im psychic or anything but in my culture things like this is normal and my nana and grams were witch doctors in the islands first then this community smh well he passed away in nz and one of my family members spent my savings money without me knowing so i was heartbroken. they wanted it short and done fast but i just felt cheated...My best friend who past away and other best friend *only us3* they went and held the phone for me but i cried hanging up. two days passed and my best friend who passed booked my ticket home. she wanted to do it on the day but she wasn't payed yet but that didn't matter, and made me love her even more...they showed me the pamphlet thing for the service and i didn't cry till at the cemetery, they didn't bury him near my nana but away from the family area on this hill alone...i cried like a bitch with mud on me since it hadn't been flattened down and i cried because i failed my nana to look after him...he died alone, in pain and thinking no one loved him...that is my guilt i will hold on to forever...im sooooo sorry i took it to far...oh she's my best friend but i call her my sister who passed from cancer lol sorry im talking to much...you should check out my other stories on coral castle Smile thank you and sorry for getting carried away hahahah i need a smoke and cry outside lol it's 4 in the morning here hahahah smh thank you again hon and i send all my love to you and you're family Smile

0 Replies
Reply Wed 22 Feb, 2012 02:38 pm
izzythepush wrote:

Fido is a bit of a heel.
And you are an idiot...
Reply Wed 22 Feb, 2012 03:01 pm
Didn't pick up on the pun with Achilles then?
Reply Thu 23 Feb, 2012 09:01 am
izzythepush wrote:

Didn't pick up on the pun with Achilles then?
And you are still an idiot...
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Reply Fri 24 Feb, 2012 01:29 pm
I am sorry to hear that izzy. I lost my wife and I had two small children, 31 years ago. It's been difficult every day since then. You just learn to live with it. I still miss her deeply, especially when I look at my grandchildren.

You have to go on and learn to appreciate what you do have.
Reply Fri 24 Feb, 2012 01:36 pm
Thanks Frank, I think I probably agree with everything you said. Although I'll have to wait a bit for the grandchildren.

I have a great relationship with my kids, and I focus on that more than anything else. It's very easy to let yourself get dragged down, I made a decision to stay cheerful a while ago. at first I was just pretending but not any more.
Reply Sat 10 Mar, 2012 11:26 am
My brother in law recently lost his wife. My first wife's sister. I recall what I told him.

When a life changing event happens to you, you become a different person. I think your awareness changes. Your relationships change. They people in your life change. Years ago many people that were friends with my wife and I avoided me. I couldn't understand it at first, but they were simply avoiding remembering the relationship they had with us both. I stopped blaming them. You have to learn how to be the new person you are. It's confusing. Most people go through this at some point in their life. It's sad and the grief is still there, but most of us carry some. It's part of life.

Happiness is part of life too. Get that from your children, as you say. And do the best you can at fulfilling your responsibility to them. In my mind at least, that is the most important thing we do in our life. Raise our children.
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Reply Sun 11 Mar, 2012 07:50 am
I didn't want to be the grandma who "dried up" after my husband's death.

So I pushed myself to get thru this grieving for their sake and for mine.

It will be three years since my husband's death. Sometimes I think of him all day, (and cry) - then I won't think of him for 3 days in a role. Keeping busy helps, but there must be time set aside to grieve - to let it seep out. Or it builds up and comes out sideways (addiction, depression, etc.)

I am toying with the idea of selling this big house and downsizing, traveling, etc. That will be a big step for me.

One thing for sure: Life DOES go on - with or without you.
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Reply Tue 4 Feb, 2014 01:00 am
Hi Aiden

As I read your post - I am struck by how incredibly similar our stories are. Though I didn't see my dad before he passed away, I did have a similar discussion as you did with your father, two weeks before he passed away. My dad too was looking great and was given a clean bill of health and then a week later he was gone. This happened in December 2013.

I have to admit I have been lost the last few weeks and have been asking him why he isn't here. Why he left us and how he could have left us. He passed away in the middle of the night in his sleep.

Thank you for sharing your story -- it gives me hope that one day my pain and sorrow will be replaced with the feeling of him around me.

I really appreciate it your post, more than you know.

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