Sun 25 Dec, 2011 05:11 am
I spent 6 months studying in the UK January to July. I met this wonderful man soon after I arrived (also Australian but settled in UK). I’m 33 and he’s 41. We were together for 4 mths and during this time he was very serious and wanted to commit, however as I was only in the UK temporarily, I was unsure (because of past hurt, I’m also very scared to commit) About 2 months into our relationship, I asked for space and time however he was unable to give me this. We both weakened, he kept contacting me, and I kept opening my door to him as we had this connection, then would feel smothered, and push him away and so the cycle continued.
Just before coming back to OZ, we spent an incredible 2 weeks together. My last week in the UK, he said he wanted to give up his life and follow me to Australia, I freaked me out & felt overwhelmed and I pushed him away again.
While back in Australia, I had the time and space I needed to think about ‘us’. And also to think about what it is I want in life. We spoke regularly, and I knew he was coming out to Australia in December to see his family. In September I sent him an email saying how much I missed him, trying in my awkward way to tell him that I was ready to commit. He replied and said that he thought about me every day & that he missed me. We spoke on the phone and agreed that we’d spend some time together when he is in Australia and take it from there. So over the last couple of months (Oct/Nov) I felt so ready to commit to him, and so ready to settle down, I even started to plan our whole life together, I wanted desperately to move back to the village in the UK where we met, but my biggest mistake was I never told him any of this.
During this time he met someone else and I just found out about it last week. I freaked out & told him how I felt, and he said that he was so sorry that he hurt me, that he didn’t realise I felt like this and he was confused. He’s back in Australia for Christmas and the other night went out to dinner to chat about it. I asked him if it was serious, and he said “yes it is, but I’m not sure about it… she is serious, but I’m not sure how long it will last, I don’t know”. I said that I wanted to be with him & he said that he has made a commitment to her, even though he’s unsure about where that relationship will go with her and so he doesn’t want to hurt her. I respect that. But I love him and I felt that I’ve lost a great guy.
She is 40. She is very threatened by me, and she is insecure, (he told me this) and he said that she didn’t want him to see me when he was here in Australia. She made him promise that he wouldn’t hurt her. She is unable to have children. I want children with him. I asked him the other night if he wanted children, he said yes, and looked quite sad.
So we saw each other on Thursday (22nd December) night, and I wrote him a letter which I gave to him at the end of the night basically saying that I’m sorry for not being able to commit to him earlier, explaining why that was (due to my past), saying that I had imagined a life with him, but I understand that it’s now over, and that I wish him well. It was basically a good-bye letter. The next day, on Friday (23rd December) I tried to contact him and he didn’t responded to my two messages, I realise now that I need to STOP contacting him.
I know that she is in the UK, and I’m here. So for him it’s easier for him to choose her. And who knows, maybe he really likes her but just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He said that she’s really different to me, so I imagine she has a much more active social life, and is more fun and exciting.
He did tell me over dinner, that the feelings he had for me were much stronger than they are for her. So I don’t know if that means that I still have a chance, or maybe he’s just letting me down gently.
For study reasons, I plan to move back there in 18 months (although I haven’t told him this and not sure if I should tell him?).
He wanted to stay friends and in touch, but I said that I couldn’t do that because it’s too hard, and because I want to be with him. I’m not sure if that was the right thing, because deep down I do want to stay in touch with him.
I just wonder if I should wait out their relationship? I know I stuffed up because I waited too long, but wonder if there is still some hope.
You should not "wait out their relationship". How tacky is that? You should get over yourself. You had a chance and you chose not to take it. Move on with your life.
I realise now that I need to STOP contacting him.
Yes, you got that bit right. Make 2012 the year you feel better about yourself and get the happiness you deserve.
"Do I have another chance?" No one can answer that. But considering your story and the present circumstances. I would hope you don't even go back to school there -- honestly, think of all the parties concerned. Your silence said it all. You have to give that other gal some peace.
I would think also that you might have some significant dream come a long too. The kind you have at night in a deep sleep. Don't muddy these waters more. Staying friends is completely out of the question, give that other gal total total peace!!! That's what you would want isn't it.
You'll be a better person too. Thank you for sharing too, you did good. It takes a good strong women to step up to the plate on this one, do the right thing. You already did this by posting the story, you just needed our support to finish it out. We know it's difficult, it is ..... but it's the right thing - bless you.
Well, he knows how YOU feel now. But he does not know how he feels.
Give him some space and time.
Timing is everything. It seems that you two just don't have the right timing together.
Still, there may be some chance, but HE has to make the next move.
In the meantime, don't close yourself off from finding another love.
Someday you might have to consider him, "the one that got away." We all have them, believe me.
Love will come in perfect time for you.
love will come to you in good time