how can I stop my urge?!

Forums: Relationships, Marriage, Cheating
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I'm happily married for 13yrs, I was a virgin before marriage (not because I'm a nerd, it's because my family raised me in a religious way and I decided to save myself till marriage), so is my wife, I truly love her, we're so compatible that we never had a fight or any argument for any reason, she's very understanding and good looking, we have three beautiful kids, my marriage is the most valuable thing in life.
My dilemma is that over the last 3yrs (yes, 3yrs) I had been obsessed by the idea of sleeping with another woman, all I can think of is how it would feel. I spoke to therapist about it and after she realized how it's truly eating me out she told me that I should do it and move on with my life, I went to a brothel (it's legal where I live and they're the most discrete ladies who check on their health regularly), saw the most exotic women on earth in there then I simply left without doing a thing as I knew what's on stake (my loving wife and kids), never the less, the moment I left the brothel the urge came back... I spoke to my wife about it, she's really an understanding person so she tried looking like another lady (had her hair color and style changed, a couple of removable tattoos, etc...) but still, the fantasy of being with another woman is eating me alive...
I spoke to my brother (the only one besides my wife and therapist who knows about my fantasy) he bought me a 1hr brothel gift card to encourage me to do it and move on...
I really want this urge to stop, I truly love my wife and I can't morally do this to her, I feel guilty every time I think of or imagine being with another woman, I imagined myself in her shoes and I know I'd rather kill myself than knowing my partner betrayed my trust and given away all what we built for a cheap encounter. My therapist and brother aren't helping (at least not the way I wish they could help), I really need your advise people, I really need a solution to eliminate my fantasy without shooting myself in the brain...

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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 2,136 • Replies: 13

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@trulylost,

Sheesh, don't go to a brothel.

The advice to go is ridiculous - and, fortunately, you know that.

I suspect it's more of a question of variety than anything else. And I see you've tried with your wife altering her appearance. Perhaps different positions, etc.? I get the feeling it's a question of spicing up that aspect of things.

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@trulylost,

For starters, ditch the therapist and keep the wife. You are kind of stuck with the brother, who seems to have been raised by a different family.

Considering how your wife might really be affected might fight the urge a bit. I don't know how you can actually stop it.

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@roger,

Post a pic of your wife in the new outfit and hair, I think I may want her, and roger of course.

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@fobvius,

fobvius, you want roger?

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@jespah,

eeeeew!

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@roger,

I am merely requesting clarification.

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@jespah,

I'm not sure that's either wise or desireable.

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@trulylost,

trulylost wrote:

I spoke to my brother (the only one besides my wife and therapist who knows about my fantasy) he bought me a 1hr brothel gift card to encourage me to do it and move on...

THEY HAVE GIFT CARDS?!?!

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@joefromchicago,

loooooool, you have no idea how developed the sex industry is in here...

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@trulylost,

There's no sure-fire way to stop your urge that doesn't have undesirable side effects (the shooting yourself in the brain solution often has death as a side-effect by the way). Even if you realize your fantasy this doesn't mean it will go away and if you are curious about how it would feel what makes you think you won't be curious how the next one will?

If you want your monogamous relationship you are going to just have to deal with it like any other dude in a monogamous relationship does. Your other alternatives are opting out of a monogamous lifestyle or infidelity.

You are looking for a magic shortcut to make monogamy free of temptation but I don't think it works that way. Wanting to sow your oats is a biological instinct that doesn't have a simple switch to turn on and off.

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@Robert Gentel,

thanks for your honest answer, I know I have to fight my urge like every other man and I know I'll always do this, I'm not the type of guy who'd go into adultery and cheat my wife.
On the other hand, yes, I wish there's a short cut that doesn't include adultery or any form of "another woman", don't get me wrong, I'm not that desperate for another girl and I'm not running after every 18+ girl trying to hump her Smile

. On weekends I work as a personal trainer and run training group sessions which means high contact with the "desperate housewives" type of girls (a financially and physically rewarding side job), I hate it when any of them approaches me and hit on me then as soon as I politely reject her I have the "What if..." moment, I hate it when my single (and sadly some married) friends talk about their encounters and I get the "what if...", I hate it when I'm out with friends or family, a good looking girl winks at me and I ignore her only to have the "what if..." thing, in 13yrs (well, during my entire life) I got so many "what if's" that it's starting to demand an answer, I know it's quite normal for married men to have fantasies (maybe mine is more intense because I had never been with another woman) and I know it's my choice to fight it or become one of many guys who'd go with it.

I guess I'm just looking for support from people I don't know as almost everyone I know is pushing towards adultery (I guess Long term relationship, marriage and commitment lost their meaning and true value in this twisted world we're living at).

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@trulylost,

Ok, let's recap, you're irresistible to the opposite sex and a virgin before marriage, when do we get to the gay bit?

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Stop beating yourself up.

Enjoy the FANTASIES. You don't have to ACT on every thought you have.

Also know that women who try to seduce their therapists, doctors, priests, workmen in the house and /or exercise leaders are on a power trip and you are a "game" to them. You really mean nothing to them.

In the meantime, try to concentrate on something else. You are giving these urges a lot of power in your life, even affecting your marriage.

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how can I stop my urge?!

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