. We both decided that we want to get married but her parents are on the way. Basically, they dont like me because im not their kind of race which I respect. Secretly, we've been going out for more than a year and now its coming to a point that we have to let everybody know about our relationship. Because we keep fighting and its starting not become healthy. The parents found out that we are together a month ago and the father gave her an ultimatum if she chooses me then she has to leave her family or leave me. I was pretty sad when she said that she will not choose anyone. So lately, we havent been going out coz she is scared and doesnt want to live a lie. Come to think of it, I feel that she is leaning towards her family more than me, but i guess thats how it is.
....keep in touch with her, but you need to move on. This relationship is doomed, don't let your heart get into it any deeper.
First off, welcome to Able2know.
Here's how I see it.
I think the first thing you need to find out is, is it truly racism that caused the rift with her parents, or is it surprise or something else? It may very well not be racism; they may simply be protective of their daughter because she went out with you for over a year and they didn't know anything about you, and because of the age difference between you and her. If that's the case, they may warm up to you, in time. But don't expect them to overnight.
Now, let's assume it is racism (which would be unfortunate, of course). One of the hallmarks of racism is ignorance of other people. Is it possible for her parents to get to know you? Now that everything is in the open, is it possible for the four of you to go to some neutral place (go out to dinner, that sort of thing - NOT to someone's house) and get to know one another? While that won't cure everything, it might help to dispel some of the problems. After all, they need to learn that you're a responsible guy with a steady job who loves their daughter and wants them to continue to have a close relationship with their child. But they won't learn that if it's a screaming fight. So getting together and breaking bread might help to allay some of their fears.
It's unfortunate that such an ultimatum was made, but her father may be regretting it. This would give him an opportunity to retract that statement.
Now, what happens if this doesn't work, or they refuse to meet with you, or the ultimatum still stands, no matter how impressive you are? I'd say, the thing to do is, don't push her. She's already getting an enormous amount of pressure from her family and if you add to it you will make her either run back to them (because it's generally easier to maintain the status quo than it is to change things) or say to hell with all of you because she can't take it anymore. Therefore, be kind, be patient and don't rush anything. Yes, you've been together a long time and you love her and this is tearing you up. But it's tearing her up even more.
I am being patient about it, ts just the fact that its sad that I cant go to her place and visit even for 30 minutes or just to know talk to her over the phone and the parents know about it. I am always there for her and always always comfort her when it comes to family issue. Its true that her parents are making the decision for her and I know they are protective I guess because she lives under their roof. Dinner would be a great idea but I think they will not go for it because they hate the fact I am oriental. I wanted to just surprise her father and just spit out that I am inlove with her. But then again I dont know. Sorry to hear that she comes from a racist and ignorent upbringing. For her to be given an ultimatum like that from her father is terrible on his behalf. If you guys are meant to be you will find a way. If she is going to spend her whole life letting her parents make her decesions for her and run her life then you may as well marry her dad. She is only 21 and has only just begun to live life on her own, somewhat
Thanks for the motivation
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