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Is the sentence alright?

Forums: English, Esl, Grammar
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oristarA
 
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 08:15 am
Sometimes people say that success is briefer than a girl's beauty.
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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 803 • Replies: 11
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oristarA
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 08:59 am
@oristarA,
oristarA wrote:

Sometimes people say that success is briefer than a girl's beauty.


I edited it as:

Sometimes people think that success lives a shorter time than a girl's beauty.

Better, clearer or not?
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 09:25 am
@oristarA,

There's nothing really wrong with it.
oristarA
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 09:26 am
@McTag,
McTag wrote:


There's nothing really wrong with it.


Please make it a pretty sentence, McTag.
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 09:31 am
@oristarA,
Quote:
Sometimes people say that success is briefer than a girl's beauty.


What you might gain in improved style, you lose in brevity. Smile

How about "Sometimes people say that success lasts no longer than the beauty of youth".

"...success lasts more briefly than the bloom of youth on a beauteous maiden's cheek."
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 11:52 am
@McTag,
Success is as fleeting as beauty.
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 12:26 pm
@oristarA,

Disparaging beauty, however indirectly, results in ugliness.
This effort is worthy of abandonment.
U need something better.





David
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 05:07 pm
@izzythepush,

Quote:
Success is as fleeting as beauty.


That's good, and has the advantage of being more succinct, but beauty of what? A Chinese vase? A Grecian urn? A mountain range? So unless you compare with a young woman, the original meaning is lost.
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 05:41 pm
@McTag,
Thank you very much mate, but all of the examples you give,
Quote:
but beauty of what? A Chinese vase? A Grecian urn? A mountain range?

are pretty much eternal from a human lifespan's viewpoint, ( barring breakages and earthquakes.) The only real beauty that isn't long-lived is that of living things, so I don't think I need to mention youth, because it's implied.
0 Replies
 
oristarA
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Nov, 2011 09:11 pm
@izzythepush,
McTag wrote:


"Sometimes people say that success lasts no longer than the beauty of youth".



izzythepush wrote:

Success is as fleeting as beauty.


I like both. Smile
0 Replies
 
shernia
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Nov, 2011 02:54 am
@izzythepush,
You are so brilliant, very nice sentence.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Nov, 2011 04:01 am
@shernia,
Thank you very much, that's really kind of you.
0 Replies
 
 

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