Bad parent

Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2011 08:05 pm
Im a 16 year old girl living in indiana under the "care" of my mother. I dont have a dad, my parents divorced when i was a baby and he doesnt talk to me. My mom thinks its okay to ignore my medical needs, such as when i have a problem and i would like to go get this checked out by my doctor (i have free medical care all free because of where my dad works) she thinks she knows everything just because she is in nursing school. She thinks its alright to go and buy 3-4 pairs $180 jeans at a time when we obviously dont have the money then bitches about it to me, and when i need clothes because non of my pants fit me and its getting really cold out already she tells me she doesnt have the money, obviously, because she spent the **** on herself. She goes out with her friends all the time and drink and doesnt come home till about 4-5 in the morning and a 16 year old staying home alone at night is kinda scary! She pretends she cares about me around her friends just so she doesnt look bad...and i need to take a program at my school in order to get into college nexzt year and she wont pay for it..any suggestions
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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 1,659 • Replies: 12
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Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2011 08:10 pm
sounds like maybe you need to start looking for a job, and preparing to take care of yourself.

sad as it sounds, it beats living with someone that is not taking care of your needs.
Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2011 08:15 pm
Unfortunatly i live in a little bitty hick town where there arent any jobs...trust me ive tried and i dont have my lisence or a car
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Reply Mon 3 Oct, 2011 07:13 am
Can you talk to a counselor at school about all this?

Do you have any other female (aunt, grandmother) who can help out?

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Finn dAbuzz
Reply Mon 3 Oct, 2011 04:27 pm
I don't think you're going to like any of the suggestions you receive, because there isn't any easy solution to the circumstances in which you find yourself.

Sounds like your immediate problem has to do with money, but if there really are no jobs to be had where you live, then you’re in particular difficulty. Are you sure there are no available jobs or just no available jobs that appeal to you? Unless there’s a real chance that your mother’s going to make a dramatic change in the way she thinks any time soon, you need to become self-sufficient as soon as you can. That means a job.

Punkey's suggestion is a good one, although you'll need some luck for it to work out.

If you attend public school, there is definitely someone on the school's staff whose job (in whole or in part) it is to provide counseling to students, but there are a lot of “guidance counselors” who are useless and so you’ll need some luck to find that one who is competent and cares works in your school district. If anyone is in a position to advise you on your options for taking the program you say you need to get into college, it's a school counselor. It’s certainly worth taking a shot.
I would also suggest you do some research and find out what sort of counseling is available to you through county, state or federal agencies. See if you can get an appointment with someone at one of these agencies to discuss what options are available to you in terms of addressing your situation. You don’t have to have the answers, that’s their job, but you will need to be able to honestly explain your circumstances. I don’t know what might be available through one of these agencies, but you need to be careful that you don’t set yourself up for the same frustrating dependency; just with different people on which to depend. Your goal should always be a life where your happiness and well being depends, primarily, upon you rather than others.
This last source may or may not appeal to you, but a lot of churches have social counseling services. As you might expect, they tend to have a sizeable religious component to them (reading the Bible, going to church regularly, praying etc.) but you might be able to get what some would consider more practical guidance too. There's probably a good chance that your Mom will find out if you've sought counseling at the church, and so if this is an important factor to you, keep it in mind.

Unless you're alleging that your mother abuses you, none of the counseling you receive will necessarily be confidential and it's unlikely that any of the advice they give you will not involve your mother's permission or assistance in some manner. So it's not a good idea to give her any reason to want to act spiteful towards you.

As far as your relationship with your mother goes, you may find counseling can be of help there as well and any of the three sources I mentioned should be able to tell you what options you have. Obviously it has a better chance of working out if your Mother willingly participates. Whether you want to improve your relationship with your mother is up to you. At your age you should be able to give this serious thought and come up with an answer that isn't based solely on emotion.

You may want to think about whether or not it makes sense to try and improve the relationship you have with your father.

You're in what appears to be a lousy situation, but it certainly isn't hopeless. You're going to have to be prepared to work, in one way or the other, on changing your circumstances. This "work" may not require anything more than making a few inquiries at school, but waiting for solutions to be delivered to your door will not result in the changes you need and want.

No one owns your problems more than you. This is not to say you've caused them all, but regardless of who caused them they're yours. They are not impacting anyone as intensely as they impact you and no one has more to gain by their solution than you. Frankly, no one is going to work as hard to solve them as you yourself will need to.

Take charge of your life. You may be surprised at what you can do yourself, for yourself. You can get past these times and look back with pride at how you overcame them, or you can do nothing and let them, eventually, take you to worst places. It's your happiness that is at stake; not your mother's.

Good luck.

Reply Tue 4 Oct, 2011 12:57 pm
@Finn dAbuzz,
Thank you very much for your adivce and suggestions. I just am really looking for somebody to talk to. Like you said about my father, ive tried and tried and tried again and again but he doesnt want to be a father to me. I call him all the time and he never answers his cell phone, or his house phone. The last time i talked to him he told me "when you end up pregnant and keep being a little whore like your mom dont come cryin to me" that was 3 years ago. I call on everybodys birthday that lives at my dads house, my two step-sisters, my stepmother, my half brother, my father, and my other half brother who ive never even met. I leave messages on the answering machine (that as i last know of plays the message outloud as its recording so they obviously hear it) and no answers, no calls back, i get nothing. So, theres no hope in even concidering trying anymore. And, being a 16 year old girl without her daddy is tough. I just wish like most girls my age i had a dad there that would interegate my boyfriend, wait up until i my boyfriend brought me home from a date, to be there to ask him for stuff when mommy says no, or even just to talk to about boy problems. I dont know..i dont like spilling my problems on people...i just, need somebody to say "hey i care, when you need to talk im here anytime you need to talk", or somebody to make me feel wanted. Im tired of feeling this way. But, back to other situations. No, there are litterally no jobs for a person my age to work in my town. Theres the local store, all postions are full and i have to be 18 to sell ciggaretes, family dollar only people out of high school can work there, the gas station, i have to be 18 to work there, and last of all the bank...have to have a college degree.
Finn dAbuzz
Reply Tue 4 Oct, 2011 03:19 pm
I encourage you to write whatever it is you feel and are comfortable with "sharing."

Sometimes just writing what's on your mind can be very helpful in terms sorting it all out, and gaining insight on what may be going on behind the scenes. A lot of people find it helps that they know someone is reading what they are writing as opposed to just putting it all down in a diary.

You're going to get responses, some of which may be great advice and others which may just be nonsense or which can even be hurtful. This is why I urge you to consider what you are "sharing," because you are sharing your feelings in this forum and some people are less kind than others in terms of how they will handle them.

Unfortunately just because someone actually is your father or mother doesn't guarantee that they will act like one to you. You know how hard you've tried to work on a relationship with your Dad. If you're not getting anywhere, and it certainly seems like you are not, then there's no point in pushing it. It's his loss more than yours. You're going to come through this, and if you learn from it what you can and should you're going to be in a much better position to enjoy your life than either your Mom or Dad.

You can use this forum as a sounding board, but I think you would be better off actually speaking with someone face to face, and so I'm going to again encourage you to try and find counselling.

Take care
Reply Tue 4 Oct, 2011 03:37 pm
I've been reading here, have sympathy for what is going on for you.
I'm agreeing with Finn's posts, hard news as they are, but I think his views on this are useful.

I also get your point about bailing on the effort to engage this family.
I have to review the thread - there was one post with some good (seeming) specifics to help you.

I notice you speak/type quite well. I really want you to get that leg up to college. I'd consider writing them directly, (sorry, I don't remember the details of that).

Also - I'll say this as a once spoiled person who had a local government that was attuned to local constituent needs, and you are a constituent. Our assemblyperson's office took constituent calls back then and now emails re local problems. Of course, batches of people ranting must have gotten send off type letters, but they could be helpful for people to navigate who to call.

You might inquire from them whom you should talk with, telling essentially what you have told us, succinctly but fully enough to cover the basics.
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Reply Tue 4 Oct, 2011 03:50 pm
@Finn dAbuzz,
I really like the advice and suggestions that you are supplying. I just dont know where to turn to...
Finn dAbuzz
Reply Tue 4 Oct, 2011 07:53 pm
I certainly can appreciate that it's not easy, but it's not likely anyone is going to come knocking on your door to see if you want to talk.

This is what I meant by saying you're going to need to work on taking charge of your life.

Do you have extended family living nearby whom you care for and trust and who you believe cares for you? Grandparents? Aunts or Uncles? Godparents?

Do you belong to a church? Do you attend with any regularity? Would you consider going once a week?

Have you looked into what counseling is available to you at your school?

Have you looked into what counseling might be available to you on the city, county or state levels?

When I refer to counseling, I really mean just talking to someone. The best counselor's listen and help you find the way rather than telling you what you have to do.

What do you want to do with your life?

What plans do you have?

What needs to happen for you to have a shot at taking your life to the place you want it to be?
Reply Wed 5 Oct, 2011 01:38 pm
@Finn dAbuzz,
My family doesnt live near me.

Im atheist.

I want to be a cosmotologist.

Hopefully go to hair school.

I need financial support.
Finn dAbuzz
Reply Wed 5 Oct, 2011 04:06 pm
Your need for financial support can have several levels:

1) Basic sustenance: Food, shelter and clothing. Sounds like while you are not living in the lap of luxury, you are hardly destitute

2) Independence: A means of transportation, a cell phone, personal goods of your own. Your own car is not the only means of transportation available to you in many towns and cities, but independence usually requires more money than many people expect.

3) Opportunity: A nest egg or financial instrument (loan) to fund either schooling or a business start-up. It doesn't appear that you have either.

4) Creature Comforts: The things everyone normally wants just for the sake of enjoyment: iPod, new pair of shoes, cigarettes

If you don't have #1 covered you need to get in touch with Social Services right now. I'm going to assume you are not destitute

For #'s 2 and 4 you need an income.

This usually means a job.

There are jobs that a 16 year old girl can get without needing a degree or a connection or even a means of transportation. Baby-sitting is an obvious one but there's also dog-walking, lawn work, and personal services (by that I mean nothing more than something like light cleaning or food shopping for older couples).

There are always people who will pay someone else to take care of things that have to be done around their house but which they don't want to or have the time to do.

There are several ways you find or solicit these kinds of jobs:

1) Bulletin boards in supermarkets, post offices, libraries, schools etc. You can either use the boards to find jobs or to let people know your looking. Check them out if for no other reason that seeing how other people in your community are using them. They may give you a couple of idea.

2) Personal ads in either newspapers or on-line sites. Chances are that you will not find a ton of opportunities, but you only need one or two.

3) Make up flyers that tell people what you can do for them and how to contact you and then stick them in mailboxes in your neighborhood

4) Word of mouth. Tell everyone you know or who you meet that you're looking for work and that if they hear of anything would they please let you know.

There are a lot of young people who want money. Some of them are willing to work for it. Some are willing to work at finding ways to work for it. If you're not willing to work, and at something you don't particularly like to do, the chances of you getting the money you want are pretty slim.

If you have a quick need for cash for something like a cell phone you can always sell what you already have. I wouldn't do this unless I had a very specific purchase in mind that was going to help me meet my goals. You know what you have. There are stores that buy used CDs and video games. Dolls and old toys kept in fairly good condition can be sold on e-bay. People buy old leggo sets on e-bay!

Don't use this approach to pay for an ongoing expense such as cell phone service. The chances are that this will be a onetime deal

To finance opportunities you are probably going to need a loan. If you're a good student you could qualify for scholarships. This is where you have to find someone at school to talk to. i can practically guarantee you that your school has Guidance Counselors and it’s their job to help young people like you figure out the best oath they can follow after they graduate. If any of them are worth their salt, they will know scholarship or loan opportunities at community colleges and even about trade schools (beauty school) and where to go to get public assistance for that as well.

Do it now so that if there are things you did to do in advance of the opportunity you can get started and get it done ASAP.

One important word of caution with all of this

Be smart and be careful and make sure you're not getting yourself into any situations that could be dangerous. It's not like all the perverts and crooks in the world are just waiting to go after you, but use common sense and don't take unnecessary risks. It would be best if you could talk to a responsible adult about your plans and ask for their advice, but if you can't you can still move forward as long as you are careful.

Success breeds success and one accomplishment makes the next one easier.

You can take charge of your life and make of it what you want or you can just sit back and wait to see where it drops you off.

I hope some of this or any of this is helpful, but as corny as it sounds, it really is all up to you.
Reply Wed 5 Oct, 2011 04:13 pm
@Finn dAbuzz,
Terrific advice Finn. I hope the OP can/will follow the parts that are currently available to her.
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Reply Fri 3 Aug, 2012 12:57 pm
Its sad, Is there any other female close to you, Like your aunt, grandma or any elder, Its better you talk to them on this matter.
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