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Is it wrong to have no contact with my baby daddys family?

 
 
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 10:18 am
My sons father is in prison i dont want anything to do with him and his family. His family is drugies all have criminal backgrounds and all the teenage kids in there family are either on probation, on drugs and steal. Out of no where they will call and ask when i need a baby sitter or if they can have my son for the night. it seems a lil weird how they dont want me to be around when they see him. i think they might be up to something. So should i just tell them how it is or just have no contact.
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 10:20 am
What are your instincts about this? Follow them, whatever they are. Personally, I would have nothing to do with them, given their proclivities. What's the upside for you or your son? Are there any, other than you get a break? Do you trust them? If not, don't.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 10:29 am
@stephinator143,
Quote:
it seems a lil weird how they dont want me to be around when they see him. i think they might be up to something.


Me too. I think that you need these people like you need a second head. If I were you, I would have nothing to do with them.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 03:40 pm
@stephinator143,
If (giant IF) you can see any benefit to your son having time with his father's family, I would recommend that you do not allow them to have any time alone with the child until he is at least school age and can communicate to you what is going on.

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 03:41 pm
@stephinator143,
If there is some reason they don't want to spend time with you but have a legitimate interest in time with the child, perhaps you can set it up that someone appointed by the court or someone like a minister can supervise their time with the child.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 05:00 pm
They are probably using the kid as a mule, or to obtain welfare benefits.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 05:01 pm
@chai2,
BTW, I was being totally serious.
0 Replies
 
stephinator143
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 05:27 pm
@chai2,
thats probably so true!
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 06:15 pm
@stephinator143,
so....you're allowing this?
stephinator143
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 08:03 pm
@chai2,
allowing nothing to them
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 08:46 pm
@stephinator143,
You're allowing them to call you and ask these things of you.

Have you ever turned your child over to them?

They will keep asking until they are clear it's not going to happen.

Tell them once, then don't answer the phone if they call, don't answer the door if it's them.

If you're able, move away from the area.

Then, you'll find out who your real friends are, the one's who remain your friends and support you. As far as your family, the same applies to them.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  3  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 08:57 pm
@stephinator143,
The problems I foresee are threefold:

1. Kids tend to believe that an absent parent is absent because that parent does not love the child and therefore that the child is bad and unloveable.

This is a kind of default position, and you will, in my opinion, need a good explanation of why the child has no contact with the father and his family that does not unduly demonize them...and be ready to discuss this with your child very often. I would also advise that you have some GOOD things to say about the father (I presume there must be good things, because you had some sort of connection to this guy, right?)

because

2. If you demonise them, the child knows that it carries those genes, and kids are often fearful that they will be just like a despised parent.

also

3. Come adolescence, when you become the dumbest and least desirable thing on earth ( Wink for a few years ) the absent parent often becomes a beacon of desirability and perfection, and the kid believes that life would be all joy and understanding if only they could go and live with the absent parent. The less expreience the kid has had of the clay feet of said absent parent, the more it is possible for said kid to give them all the most desirable attributes of the perfect parent.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 09:17 pm
yes....

however.....the problem is not three fold, but has 4 parts.

the immediate concern is to get her child to a safe place where these people are not using him.

perhaps she can worry about what to discuss/explain to her son after the are no longer potentially taking the child along as protection while doing drug drops, or other illegal activites.

I'm sure there's a lot more to this than the poster is saying, and her feelings can be supported by facts.

Don't let these people use your child, or you, anymore. You got into a situation where you got pregnant with a man who is now in prison, and apparantly he takes after other people in his family.

Who knows what this child has already seen?

BTW, how old is the child?
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 09:21 pm
@chai2,
Let me make my response clearer.

Rolling Eyes

I was not suggesting the mother allow the child contact necessarily...what I WAS doing was attempting to forewarn her about the kinds of issues that I have found to arise in such situations, so that she can consider them in her decision, and hopefully do what she can to ameliorate them.

chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 09:26 pm
@dlowan,
I'm glad you made your response clearer.....rolly eyes or not.

From what you wrote, it wasn't clear you were not advocating all this avoidance of demonzing at this moment.


To me, the fact this woman as come on here asking "is it all right" to stop contact with these people, she's either not sure, or looking for some sort of hope/reason to not have to do the hard thing. Which is tossing these scumbags out of her life.

In short, the answer to the question is...

No, it is in no way wrong to have no contact with the family of the father of your child.
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 10:13 pm
when these people call you, you feel sick in your gut right?

You feel actual FEAR at the idea of leaving your child with them over night?

Dont. *******. Do . it.

Seek legal help, legal advice . If you can afford it, get the most expensive lawyer you can find.
If you cant afford it, go to legal aid , like, yesterday.

If the family is genuine about truly just wanting to see the child, they can wait until you have a legal springboard and moderator to do so.

Families that are in and out of prison, do drugs and otherwise just sit on their asses are not to be trusted. If they can not hold their own **** together in life, you can bet your bottom dollar they may be the types of people to scheme a way into that childs life and might find some way to take advantage of, or abuse you.

If they are not like that? Then the court system will HELP you figure that out.

But, trust your gut.
Did I say trust your gut?
Because I sure mean to trust your gut.

Get a spine about your decision too. Again, if they are bad people YOU are keeping your child safe from them.There is no wavering when it comes to being a safe parent.
If you are doing this to just be mean? Well.. you can live with that decision.
I hope that isnt the case.

But a mothers gut is a strong thing and if it says no way to them keeping your child, listen to it like you would a baseball bat to the head.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2009 10:15 pm
As Noddy has said-

Being grandparents is a privilege, not a right.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 May, 2009 04:49 pm
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:
BTW, how old is the child?


on the thread where the o.p. talks about trying to get child support, she says the child is 3 y.o.
0 Replies
 
stephinator143
 
  1  
Reply Wed 27 May, 2009 12:01 am
My son is 2 i have not answered or returned the phone calls to them.

i have never left my son alone with them for a second.

0 Replies
 
stephinator143
 
  1  
Reply Wed 27 May, 2009 01:10 am
@chai2,
My son is 2 and i never have left him with his dads family alone.

and not intenting to do so i have decited to igore that they even exist to me.

As soon as i can affored to move i am so they cant find us.

They can take me to court if they really want to see him.
 

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