The Color-Coded Bad Date Threat Level System For Women

1. Low Condition (Green). He calls you up on a Tuesday night around 7:00, and conversation is pleasant. He is eloquent, well-versed in the areas of art, fine dining, and he knows how to order a bottle of wine in a french restaurant. he asks you if you'd like to go out to dinner on Friday night. No worries.

2. Guarded Condition (Blue). He calls you on a Thursday night around 7:00. Conversation is pleasant, but he seems distracted. You can hear the sound of a baseball game on the television in the background. He asks you if you'd like to "hang out" on Friday. Not too much cause for concern, but you should make arrangements for another night, when you are free.

3. Elevated Condition (Yellow). He calls you on a Thursday, at 11:00 P.M. When you answer the phone, the first sound you hear is chewing. He apologizes and tells you that he is eating chicken wings. You hear the sound of professional wrestling in the background on the television. He mentions that he's not really into relationships, but he'd like to meet you sometime and just have some fun. Proceed with extreme care.

4. High Condition (Orange). High alert. He calls you on a Friday night at 10:00. You are not home at the time and listen to the message he has left. You hear the sounds of people yelling and screaming in the background. He explains that he is at a bar, hanging out with his buddies, and man is he wasted! He tells you he's sorry to call so late, but he thinks he may be in love with you. Then he yells "Hey ******, that's MY beer!" and hangs up. Do NOT go out with this guy. It would be advisable to erase this call and forget that you ever gave him your number.

5. Severe Condition (Red). Extreme alert. He shows up drunk at your workplace at 10:00 in the morning. He says he's unemployed, but he lives in your building and watches you go to work every day. He then tells you he used to have a girlfriend, but that bitch don't love him no more and now he needs him a good purty woman like you. He hands you a bunch of flowers, telling you that he just yanked them up from a neighbor's yard on the way over. He then throws up on his shoes. Run to the nearest phone and call security!

copyright 2004, The Department of Dating Security