emotional affairs

Er - can you define what you mean by an "emotional affair"?

Are you speaking of an affair where there is no sex, but the people are very emotionally involved?

This is what I think they mean, but I want to make sure before I respond.

Yes, sorry for not being specific. That is exactly what I meant.

Yes - I sort of have. Only, I don't think I would have called it an affair, so not sure if it fits for you.

It was with a colleague - who, when he first came to work at our office I believed I could never get on with, our politics and world view etc being so different, and he ditto! He is American, by the way.

Anyway, we soon became very close friends - he is one of the people on this planet for whom I have the most respect. He is clever, honest, has enormous integrity, is one of the strongest and most sure of himself men I have ever met - and therefore amongst the least aggressive or defensive, great sense of humour, deeply committed to his work and his family, wonderful to argue and discuss things with, caring - once you win his respect and affection he is like a rock as a friend....and gorgeous, I might add!

We were obviously and very deeply attracted. Never discussed it - he is happily and commitedly married and we both knew there were no options for an affair. One of the reasons I admire him so much. I would never have been prepared to do such a thing to his wife, either, even if it HAD been an option - she is worth every bit of the commitment he has to her.

We enjoyed every bit of the four years we worked together - learned a huge amount from each other - I still adore him, without there being any pain or frustration attached, and it is wonderful when we run across each other. We do not see each other except by accident - I think we agree that would be tempting fate a bit!

Interestingly, he has changed a lot - used to be very ambitious hierarchy wise - now, he has become ambitious in the quality of his work - has deepened his theory and practice a lot, done some further therapy training - used to think I was too feminist, now works in domestic violence with the men, and is highly regarded and respected by the very scary women who work in the field - (lots of then scare the bejesus out of me!) and by the very violent fellas he works with - if such a thing as a real man exists, he is my most perfect exemplar of that thing.

How did it work out? Well, I think we each gained a great deal by the friendship we had. We still adore each other.

Might have been a whole lot more fun if we had met a few years earlier, before he married his wife - who knows? I ain't complaining - I value friendship very highly - you don't meet too many people you care about and respect THAT much in this world. Last time we met, he gave me some credit for his decision to really focus on increasing his skills and commitment to his therapeutic work, because he said I helped him realise what richness could be found in that area. That is one of the most meaningful compliments I have ever received. So - I guess he got something out of our closeness, too, eh?