Is this him being my friend?

Forums: Relationships, Dating, Confused, Breakup, Just Friends
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My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about three months ago because we were both going through a lot of crap in our lives. The breakup was mutual but it wasn't very pretty. He told me when we broke up that he wanted to be my friend in the future but not for a while.

A few days after our breakup we started hanging out again and we had a really good time together, it was like our relationship in the months before all of the crap happened. This went on for about a week and then he started acting extremely awkwardly around me. I moved back to my hometown after this and we didn't talk for a few days and then we got in a pretty large fight about something completely unrelated to our relationship. We didn't talk at all after that for about two weeks and then he started talking to me again. He was working a lot (he worked 18 hour days) all summer but he would occasionally talk to me, I never started the conversation. I thought this was a little strange because he had told me before the summer started that he DID NOT want to talk to me until the end of summer at least. In our conversations it seemed like he was checking up on me and he asked a lot of questions about my health (I have a lot of health problems) and my family and sometimes he would mention things that I never actually told HIM.

I find myself moving back now and, since he found this out, he has been talking to me everyday (I still never start the conversation). Sometimes he will talk to me just to ask me one, stupid question; he recently talked to me just to asked me what he should have for dinner and then he left. He says things like "bye for now" and has made sure that I know where he is living and he has already tried to make plans with me.

My problem is, I can't tell if this is him being my friend or if this is something else entirely. He doesn't have a ton of friends and he doesn't usually try to get close to people; he doesn't just "hang out" with people and he is a very private person. We were never really friends before we dated so this is all very confusing to me.

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@OneConfusedBlonde99,

Hello confused blonde,
you're not alone, it would be confusing for anyone. I think your ex-boyfriend is not sure how to approach the situation and is probably waiting for a sign from you how to proceed.

Since you both have had such difficulties in your relationship, perhaps it
would be a good idea to keep things on a "friend" level and strictly via phone, meaning that you should not meet.

I don't know how old you both are and for how long you were together,
but it seems the relationship has run its course and what makes him keep
in touch with you is the familiarity factor. He's comfortable talking to you
and my guess is, he'll continue for a while

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@CalamityJane,

We are both in our 20's and we dated for a year. Honestly, looking back on the circumstances surrounding our breakup I think that we could have worked things out but at the time we were just kind of off in our own worlds and we were stressed out and didn't know what to do. We both kind of just got caught up in our own crap and didn't want to add crap to the other person's crap so we didn't talk through any of it. I still care about him tons, more than anyone, but I feel like it was the wrong time for us.

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I agree with Jane and I'd be confused too. I'll just add one thing, if you were never really friends before... perhaps this is a good thing. Sometimes we get into a relationship, fall in love, but if you were to meet this person at another time, they would never be it, the one, cause aside from that chemical thang, they really aren't compatible. Be his friend, see if you really like the guy - as a person and go from there. You sound young so take your time, figure out what you want, where you want to go - with or without him.

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@Ceili,

Oh mann... I know I like him as a person. I definitely do. Our relationship started in a really weird fashion, we met at a function and he immediately caught my attention; he is VERY passionate person when it comes to his beliefs, not necessarily religious. I mistook this characteristic as him being extremely arrogant the first time I met him. I met him a second time, officially, when I was having lunch with one of my friends. He just kind of walked up to our table and sat down and started talking to us. A few months later, I found out that he was friends with one of my other friends and the three of us had many long, heated conversations.

I'm a pretty shy person so I was really surprised when he actually started showing interest in me. We knew each other relatively well before we dated, we hung out a bunch and we talked a lot but we didn't know each other for very long before we started dating. I think we only knew each other for two months before he asked me out.

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Sometimes it takes a long time to really "breakup"with another person.

Both of you are trying to separate, but the emotional ties keep bringing you back together. So he asks you silly questions like what he should have for dinner.

I have a feeling that this back and forth is going to go on for a very long time - unless or until he finds another person to cling to. He does sound needy, and in a very self-serving way. And by responding to him, you keep encouraging his actions.

My concern is that you hang onto every one of his words and actions. You need to decide to break it off and look elsewhere for love. You will never break away from his immature hold on you if you keep talking to him.

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@OneConfusedBlonde99,

Rather than trying to work out what he wants - why don't you try and work out what you want? (and go after it)

Trying to work out someone else is like trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together with a whole heap of missing pieces - you're never going to know all the pieces of his life or all the pieces of his mind, so you're never going to quite work him out (and the more missing pieces the less sense it/he will make). What this means is, in order to make sense of his actions, you then start putting your own slant(reasons) on to his actions, and you start making excessively good reasons up for the things you like, and start making excuses for his actions that you don't like...so that his actions will fit in with what you want...

...but unless you know what you want, you won't even understand what you are doing or how you are arriving at conclusions about him that don't even help you.

So it helps to stop wasting your energy on a pointless exercise and focus on what you want in life (and from the relationship) and go after that (or at least see if he comes towards what you want). This isn't selfish per se, but simply recognising what part you want from the relationship (rather than just going I don't know - just 'something' - which rarely works for you)

Basically - once you know what you want out of relationship, you can work out if a person is right for you..and/or you can look for someone who will truly make you happy.

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@PUNKEY,

Quote:

and sometimes he would mention things that I never actually told HIM.

I guess you have to ask, who is telling him things and wanting you two to get back together?

Perhaps that's his stumbling block...

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Is this him being my friend?

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