Trying to fix my relationship

Reply Wed 13 Jul, 2011 10:49 pm
Guys I'm in a complicated situation here. Me and my wife have been married for about 5 years. Six months ago she cheated on me and it was hard but i continued on. I took my child with me to another state because she was in the military and out of the state. I got over that and restarted my life. A couple of months ago she came back to visit our child and got me in the process, she said she wanted to work things out. I didn't believe it at first but took advantage of it and had a great time with her. While she was still away in her "mission", i visit her a couple times and even though things were not 100%, it looked like the relationship could be worked out. I would say things were about 80% and we had to work it back up, because a lot had happened and that is understandable.
About 12 days ago, I returned home. I thought I was never going to return to this place, so it was a little hard to get used to it. I was excited to meet my wife and I quit the job I had in the other state i was at, there was no way that i could keep it where i'm at.
Where she got home, the first day it felt really hard to make any connection with her. It's gotten worst to the point that we don't sleep in the same bed, she says because she doesn't feel it. We've been going to counseling and she always tells me, she wants this to work and she does not have anybody. She does not want me to kiss her, her kisses are not passionate and she says the love is not the same as before, which i understand due to everything that happened before. I ask her what's going on, and she tells me she doesn't know............ Anyway even though part of me wants to leave, because it sometimes feels really pathetic to be in this situation. I do have a son and i want to give him a chance, I also still love this woman and that's my main reason. Any good suggestions on what should i do here, I do not have a job yet and i'm really trying......I've been thinking about leaving the house but this could back fire, any suggestions on how to bring back that passion and that love that has been lost???? thank you guys
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Reply Thu 14 Jul, 2011 05:14 am
Ai yi yi this is a bad dynamic.

Let me see if I understand.

Your wife is in the military. You are married for 5 years and she cheated on you 6 months ago (during deployment?). You took your son and moved away when this happened, and found work where you had moved to.

Now she says she wants you back, you moved back in with her and, in the process lost/quit your job/couldn't keep it because of the distance. And currently you are not working. Is your child young enough that it makes sense for you to be a stay at home Dad, at least for a while? I take it that the economy stinks there (it does in most of the country), so finding work is a process and it is not coming easily. But until you find work, she is the sole provider, and if the affair happened with someone she worked/works with, then that's going to create its own stress above everything else.

And now she says she wants to sleep in separate beds, not kiss, etc.

Brother, I don't think she wants a husband. I think she wants a roommate who will provide free/cheap child care and kill the big bugs. If you get work, then you are a roommate who also contributes to rent.

Sorry if that's harsh.

In any event, I recognize that it can be a while before people reconnect, but from the information provided it appears that you are the one being asked to do all of the compromising, I assume more for the sake of your son than for the sake of your marriage. And your son isn't getting any bargains -- if he grows up seeing mother as cold and distant to you, he may learn some lessons you don't want him to learn, e. g. that woman can't be trusted, or are distant, love is overrated and doesn't last, and relationships are meant to be essentially a master and servant and cannot possibly be equal.

I'm glad that you're in counseling, and talk to your counselor, perhaps in a session where you are alone with the professional, and maybe ask what you're asking here. Point up the inherent unfairness of the situation. And see if you can get any suggestions or, at least, the counselor can talk to your wife. The timetable for reconciliation is never going to be set and obvious, e. g. it's three months and everyone is okay after three months. But I think at least a little bending is in order, in particular because she was the offender.
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