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I have a friend who cuts me out every so often...do you think this is a valuable friendship or not?

 
 
Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 05:55 pm
I have a friend, when we I see her or talk on the phone we get along just fine and she always points out how similar we are in so many ways. She is also a supportive friend and seems to understand me more than many other people do. However i've been noticing at some point after a few months she will suddenly cut me out and not answer her phone or call me. She'll text me and say how she is busy. She's done this in the past a few times and after a long time when i do get in touch she says she's just been bored and not really doing anything. I don't think she's a busy as she makes out to the extent she can't even talk on the phone when I just needed a bit of advice from her. I think she has a problem but I think she's also being stubborn and selfish.
Even if it's the night before my exam and she calls me i'll speak to her and listen to her problem, yet when it's the other way round, she won't speak to me for weeks on end. Another thing I find annoying is that because she is away studying at a distant uni, when her mother needs me to do her a favour she calls me, and i'll be going out of my way taking a couple of hours or so out of my time to help her. I've also helped her little brother and cousins with their homework.
Do you think this is a true friendship? As sometimes it feels like an insult, as if she's bored of me and wants to distance off for a while. I feel like i'm giving more and she's calling the shots.
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ossobuco
 
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Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 06:11 pm
@rainbowroad,
In short, no.. or I don't know. Are you two able to just talk?

Long time friendships are relatively rare and survive, when they do, by some weathering.
Connecting with people is important, but people engage at different levels at different times in their own lives.
Friendship is not a romance (unless that is going on as well). Long friendship is based on regard.

Long time friends are not meant to be daily pals, in my view, and if that is the scene, then the people will have some mixups, or one will be dominant.
Marriage can be a long friendship. I think it always involves some stormy weather.
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Thomas
 
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Reply Sun 10 Jul, 2011 06:12 pm
@rainbowroad,
It seems to me that she needs some space and is either too nice or too shy to tell you directly. I would try to talk about it with her, keeping any judgment to a minium. Here's a template based on what has worked reasonably well for me in the past.

[Start with two or three sentences to show (truthfully) how you appreciate her.] "But listen, sometimes when I attempt to talk to you, I notice that you are responding with unpersuasive excuses. What's up with that? If you need more time for yourself, I'm perfectly willing to back off. But I don't like to be bullshat. It makes me feel disrespected and unappreciated as a friend. So why don't we talk openly about what the problem is and what we can do about it? It may be uncomfortable for a little while, but will save us both a lot of trouble in the long run."

Every pair of friends needs to find the golden middle between being close and leaving each other the space you need. The way to find it is to talk and coordinate. Good luck to the both of you!
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