Please Revise It (1)

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　　Rescue big panda in driven snow

On Jan.6, 2004, a big panda tangled by heavy snow was found in snowy mountain, Xi Ling, Da Yi County, Southern China's Sichuan Province. At 14:00, more than 40 rescuers, on the 2380-m-high snowy mountain, rescued the panda, who was about 20 years old, and 80cm high, 1.6m long and 60kg weight, with protective net; and brought it back to skee field.

At 18:20, the big panda slept on a thick quilt after having eaten bamboo, apples and drunk milk, and was guarded by 5 security guards day and night, waiting for medical consultation from mavens of Wolong Reserve and the Forestry Industry Hall of Sichuan Province.

On Jan.7, mavens will make a thorough physical examination for the panda.

(TIA)

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Cool

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Thanks Ceili. Smile

Still, I want to know other veterans' opinion, so as to understand whether or not I have really made it.

It is a sarcasm that I know how to properly appreciate my native language but cannot make sure that the writing in my second language - English is good or not, even though I could write it out Razz

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Sounds good to me.

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Re: Please Revise It (1)

oristarA wrote:

　　Rescue big panda in driven snow

On Jan.6, 2004, a big panda tangled by heavy snow was found in snowy mountain, Xi Ling, Da Yi County, Southern China's Sichuan Province. At 14:00, more than 40 rescuers, on the 2380-m-high snowy mountain, rescued the panda, who was about 20 years old, and 80cm high, 1.6m long and 60kg weight, with protective net; and brought it back to skee field.

At 18:20, the big panda slept on a thick quilt after having eaten bamboo, apples and drunk milk. It was guarded by 5 security guards day and night, waiting for medical consultation from mavens of Wolong Reserve and the Forestry Industry Hall of Sichuan Province.

On Jan.7, mavens will make a thorough physical examination for the panda.

(TIA)

this is my version (I'm English so its English English - I'm sure someone will give you the American English version Very Happy

)

Rescue big panda in driven snow[/size] did you mean that it was caught in a snowdrift? I'm not certain. A snowdrift is where the snow has been blown by the wind and built up into big piles. if so then the heading could be

Large Panda rescued from snowdrift

On Jan.6, 2004, a large panda stuck in a snowdrift was found in snowy mountain, Xi Ling, Da Yi County, Southern China's Sichuan Province. At 14:00, more than 40 rescuers, on the 2380-m-high snowy mountain, rescued the panda, who was about 20 years old, and 80cm high, 1.6m long and 60kg weight, with a protective net. Rescuers brought it back to skee field.

At 18:20, the big panda slept on a thick quilt after having eaten bamboo, apples and drunk milk, and was guarded by 5 security guards day and night, waiting for medical consultation from mavens of Wolong Reserve and the Forestry Industry Hall of Sichuan Province.

On Jan.7, mavens will make a thorough physical examination of the panda.

It was very good English and clearly understandable. I don't know what you mean by mavens? is it vetinary surgeons? if so this is usually shortened to Vets.

I've long since forgotten a lot of the grammatical terms so forgive me if I don't always explain why grammatically

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Hi Vivien, Thanks for revising.

Maven, American colloquialism, means expert.

Driven snow, a term in meteorology, means great wind and heavy snow.

Regarding the usage of "large", as far as I know, it is used to be seen in "things", like a large house, a large model, a large size etc., but rarely seen in "a large animal". If one felt "a big panda" was not that good, he might use "a giant panda", but "a large panda" might not be recommended.

Also, I suggest that "panda stranded in heavy snow" might be better off than"panda stuck in a snowdrift" .

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yes, Panda stranded in heavy snow is good. I didn't know if you meant a snowdrift by your use of phrase.

Mmmm I know what driven snow is .... but it would have to be 'driving snow' wouldn't it in that case in your headline? it just doesn't read comfortably to me using driven somehow - Craven will be able to tell you! If you mean that it was driven snow that has landed and piled up - then that is a snowdrift surely? if rescued from active wind and driving snow - then 'driving snow'.

Certainly in England we would use large for animals - large cat or dog whatever - a Giant Panda is a specific breed and not just a description. Big is sort of everyday talk and large more literary? big would also be used but sounds wrong somehow in an article such as this.

Also Rescue big panda in driven snow
is ambiguous - it reads like a call to help a panda out in a pile of driven snow, the big is a curious adjective in this context having a childlike phraseology - did you in fact mean a Giant Panda????

Thanks for the explanation of maven - American is a different language! Confused

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Hi Oristar,
I'd change the headline to a combination of what you and Vivien have discussed, and make a few other changes like this: (delete red, add brown)

Quote:

Large panda rescued in driving snow

On Jan.6, 2004, a large panda tangled trapped by heavy snow was found in snowy mountain territory, Xi Ling, Da Yi County, in Southern China's Sichuan Province. At 14:00, more than 40 rescuers, on the 2380-m-high snowy mountain, rescued the panda, who which was about 20 years old, and 80cm high, 1.6m long and weighed 60kg weight, with a protective net; and brought it back to a/the skee field.

At 18:20, the big panda slept on a thick quilt after having eaten bamboo, and apples and drunk milk, and It was guarded by 5 security guards day and night, waiting for medical consultation from mavens of experts from Wolong Reserve and the Forestry Industry Hall of Sichuan Province.

On Jan.7, mavens experts will make a thorough physical examination for the panda.

Leaving:

Large panda rescued in driving snow

On Jan. 6, 2004, a large panda trapped by heavy snow was found in snowy mountain territory, Xi Ling, Da Yi County, in Southern China's Sichuan Province. At 14:00, more than 40 rescuers on the 2380-m-high mountain rescued the panda, which was about 20 years old, 80cm high, 1.6m long and weighed 60kg, with a protective net and brought it back to a (or the) skee field.

At 18:20, the big panda slept on a thick quilt after having eaten bamboo and apples and drunk milk. It was guarded by 5 security guards day and night, waiting for medical consultation from experts from Wolong Reserve and the Forestry Industry Hall of Sichuan Province.

On Jan. 7, experts will make a thorough physical examination for the panda.

You are correct when you say that maven is a colloquial American term for expert (I believe it's originally Yiddish), but it is colloquial, and too informal for an article like this. It would be similar to saying, "some smart guys will make a thorough physical examination..." -- the meaning is correct, but it's not the right word for this context.

A more usual use of maven would be, "She had her cousin come shopping with her. Her cousin is a real maven when it comes to fashion."

And oristarA, don't be harsh with yourself about your abilities in English! I, among others here who answer your posts, wouldn't be able to do nearly as much in another language!

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I'd change this
. At 14:00, more than 40 rescuers on the 2380-m-high mountain rescued the panda, which was about 20 years old, 80cm high, 1.6m long and weighed 60kg, with a protective net and brought it back to a (or the) skee field.

To this:

At 14:00, more than 40 rescuers on the 2380-m-high mountain rescued the panda using a protective net, after which they brought it back to a (or the) skee field. The panda is about 20 years old, is 80cm high and 1.6m long, and weighs 60kg.

All that info in one sentence was too awkward.

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Nice revise, Roberta! Smile

Hi Vivien and Wy,

I've remembered this example:"Ostrich, a large, swift-running flightless bird of Africa" So you are right, thanks.

"Giant panda" is a compound noun, I think there is no problem when using it.

Vivien, if you thought the title like a call, I don't know how to rewrite it then!
Wy, trapped is like stranded in this case.
Also, thank you for your kind regard. Smile

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oristarA wrote:

Vivien, if you thought the title like a call, I don't know how to rewrite it then!

well you put rescue first which is present tense - putting it first and using the present tense makes it an imperative like 'come here' so it changes the sense from the way you meant it to read.

Rescue Vivien would mean rescue me NOW!

Rescue of Vivien (or Panda) would probably achieve what you wanted?

like a question by the way - not 'call'

your English is excellent and clearly understandable - these are only making it truly correct grammatically and in every day English.

68kg weight is American and weighed 68kg is English by the way.

as you can see there is more than one correct version

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Hi Vivien, I got inspired by you. Very Happy

Now, I'd follow your introduction, using this title:

Rescue of Giant Panda Stranded in Heavy Snow

Has this made it?

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I think so! Smile

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Yes that

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Please Revise It (1)

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