Why do I still care about my ex so much?

First and foremost, if you conveyed to him clearly at any point that you wanted him to stop and he did not, then yes, it was rape. The problem I have is that you went to his house willingly and for the obvious purpose of allowing him to perform oral sex on you. Why would you do this? Another question. Did he rip your clothes off or did you help him by taking them off willingly? I'm a strong believer in personal responsibility and frankly, I think you certainly made some errors in judgement here.

BUT, it does not excuse him if you told him clearly to stop and he did not. That is the bottom line here. But I think it would be tough to get a conviction from a jury based on what you have told us.

Are you stupid for letting this happen? No, but you willingly put yourself in a position to let it happen, and that was not very smart of you.

Is something wrong with you if you still care about him? Well, I guess that depends on whether or not he really raped you. Why would you care about someone who forced you to do something you did not want to do? He showed no concern about you or your feelings, he just wanted to get laid and to hell with what you wanted. If he did this once, I'm betting that he will continue to treat you similarly in the future. Why would you want that? And if you are scared of him, then why wouldn't you trust that feeling and stay the hell away from him. There are lots of decent guys out there who would never have done what he did to you. And you are plenty young enough and have plenty of time to find one.

Good luck to you.

First I want to answer your question: Did he rip your clothes off or did you help him by taking them off willingly?No I didn't help him but he didn't exactly rip my clothes off. I lost my virginity to him when I really didn't want to(this wasn't the first time it happened), but he kind of persuaded me. I felt bad for not wanting sex with him because I felt I valued my virginity too much. And After this second incident, it really scared me and made me stay away from him for sure. I guess I still care about him because I expected him to be the perfect guy. He was always trying to be concerned when I needed to talk and he knew all my insecurities and the fact that I didn't get along with my parents that well. I do feel like it was my fault to be honest. Lately I've been really depressed about this, and I'm not going to press charges. I feel so stupid. I wish I knew more about dating, but because I don't and I'm 18 almost 19, I feel so stupid. But yea, I deleted his number out of my phone. I am really scared to have to see him on campus next fall.