Wife looking at other men

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Hello this is my first posting anywhere, anytime. I appologize if I go about it wrong.
There is countless talk of married men looking at other women, but I can't seem to find much the other way. It is basically the same idea, progress, and emotions involved as the other case. Except in my case it is easy for myself to come across as looking jealous or controlling because I am male and all of society woes for the female in relationships, I am instantly the bad guy if I bring it up.
I found out how she felt 'lost for words' and 'concentration' when a certain guy that she worked with entered the room. She thought the guy was hot and everything. I asked about this guy and she talked about her feelings and how some would say she is experienceing a really strong interest in him. My wife then explained that she never had those feelings around me, but that is why she married me, she likes to be in control. Still, it hurt my feelings and idea of how she felt attracted towards me.
I really don't mind some mild talk about how hot certain movie actors may be, but she really pours it on about how she likes so many traits that these actors have...none of which I have.
Now, I know of another man at her work that seems to have it all together and she thinks he is soooo hot. She teases with her female coworker about him and how she got caught checking out his butt. I even found alot of photos of him in some pictures she took of her coworkers. She has mentioned him to her sister and even to my sister.

Ok so, I don't think it is about fidelity. It is about making your spouse feel important, respected, and attractive.....It would seem like everything in the realationship is workable and ok, if just she would tone it down or give me the respect of deciding if what she does could have a harmful effect on our relationship. It is normal to check out attractive members of the oppsite sex, but I don't know how to interpret her comments or actions.

There of course is more to any story, realtionships are complex. But can anyone shed some wisdom?

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Doublebond--

Welcome.

You say your wife says she married you so she could be in control.

Do you feel that the two of you are equal partners? There must be more to your marriage than her ostentatious flirtation.

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Hi doublebond,

First, I think it's very different for anyone -- man or woman -- to look at an attractive person as he or she walks by in the mall, say, vs. having a crush on an actual person who is often encountered.

So I think your problem is not the looking, per se, it's the crush.

On the one hand, it's good that she told you about it, but on the other, it seems like she is using the whole thing in a weird manipulative way. Never had those feelings towards you? Even if she is being honest, strictly speaking, it seems like something dishonest is going on.

I hope you guys can figure this one out by talking about it, if not, counselling may help.

In the meantime, from what you say, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to be concerned.

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I'm no expert, but I'll tell you what I think...
If your wife is half as intelligent as you sound in your writing and insight, you don't have a fidelity issue. If you did she would be secretive. Perhaps she doesn't realize she hurts your feelings with this kind of talk. Everyone does admire the opposite sex, and the persons most in the wrong, are the ones who snitch to partners. She may have thought she was developing a tighter friendship with your sister by confiding something like that. If hadn't learned of it, it wouldn't be hurting you now. It happens everyday; at every office I've ever worked in. Cheaters and honest people alike carry on the same discussions and this probably includes you too. As far as actors, return the favor about actresses; and see if you can't provoke an opportunity to come to a mutual understanding.
I don't know your wife, so I have to generalize... And try not to take this wrong... just use it if you think it's useful: Contrary to popular belief, women are generally not attracted to weakness. Deep down; most want a manly man that doesn't get caught up in unnecessary emotion and jealousy. You will find plenty of people here on A2K to share your misery with, if you don't have a close friend for things like this. In short; unless it's absolutely necessary; don't be a wussy in front of your wife. And for God's sake, don't let her find this thread. If you are sure you're not just being over sensitive, you're better off putting your foot down in an argument than you are crying on her shoulder. Provoke one if you have to. (Make up sex rocks anyway, right?) If you are too easy to manipulate; she is going to get bored, and then you'll have a real problem. Just my 2 cents. Welcome to A2K.

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Personally, I think what she's doing is totally rude and disrespectful to you and your feelings. Her being with you because she can control you and rubbing her desires for other men in your face is just plain cruel in my opinion and I personally wouldn't put up with that for a second. I could never be with a person who treated me that way, but that's just me.

Good luck to you.

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Well, that is me too, Montana. Looking over the crowd in an inconspicuous way seems pretty normal. She seems to be working some sort of plan, but I can't begin to imagine what it is.

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Doublebond.....interesting name, considering you situation :-)

I spent several years with a man who did the exact same thing. Every other woman on earth, it seemed, was more desirable to him, than I was (and I was a hot chick!)......and he made damn sure I knew how he felt!

Eventually, I recognized that what he did was cruel abuse engaged in on purpose, i.e. with a conscious or unconconscious desire to hurt me.

After I walked out on him, it was I, who became the most desirable woman on earth, and I'm sure that whoever he's been with since, has been subjected to the identical behavior.

If you don't have children, get the flock outta there, cause she'll just continue to beat up on you in one way or another.

People don't change.
You deserve better.

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Ditto Katya.

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Next time she goes on about a man - tell her you would never dream of telling her she is fatter than those supermodels you see plastered everywhere so please would she mind not constantly telling you how she finds other men more attractive than you.

I think if she was given a scenario of how she would feel if you were doing something similar to her that she would be able to identify with how this might be hurtful to you.

It's okay to find other people attractive but it's simply gauche to insult someone else by comparing them. She married you and must love you in ways that other men cannot satisfy. That 'control' thing is crap by the way and it was stupid of her to say such a thing to you. She may mean that she feels safe and secure with you, maybe? No-one ever has control of someone else really and certainly by parading this fact in front of you shows she has potential to lose that control (whatever that may be).

I agree with OCCOM BILL - don't be in any way wussy about this. When she starts this behavior again, tell her to cut it out. Don't get upset or go on about it. Tell her you don't like it and you don't want to hear it. While she may be surprised, she has to learn that you don't appreciate her disrespecting you and it has to stop.

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Yup!

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QUOTE"My wife then explained that she never had those feelings around me, but that is why she married me, she likes to be in control"

One of the ways that one person controls another is by making the other person feel inferior. Unless you are an out an out masochist, and enjoy being stepped on emotionally, if I were you, I would seriously consider alternate options.

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Yeah, I agree with Phoenix. Your wife stepped over the line. The reality is, most of us look, but don't touch. That means having respect for your partner. You ain't getting that from your wife. I think "alternate options" is good advise.

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doublebond

One thing that you can carry to the grave, is this:

People do not (ever) change.

With help, we can all learn to adapt and even learn to live with who we are....deep down inside.

We can learn to cope, and to be strong....and to remind ourselves to be "different".

But we do not (ever) change, doublebond!

Sorry.

If you feel as you do today, you must then learn to adapt to a new lifestyle......... (this is where all those books come in to play).

But you, and she, (and me)...... will always be the same.

And that is not at all bad, my friend.

Love, who you are.

You are just fine.

It shows in your post.

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But don't you think it's just a matter of enlightening her that this is not acceptable behavior?

I dated a guy once and I got into the habit of taking out my daily stresses on him until one day he told me I was being a bitch. It stopped me in my tracks and I realized he was right. After that, I remembered to leave the stresses of the day at the door and not drag them everywhere with me. It was so unfair to take out my work or family frustrations on him, who had done nothing (or very little) wrong to cause my bad-temperedness.

If that's not change, then I don't know what is. While people, as the person they are within, are unlikely to make complete changes to themselves there are little amendments that can be rectified or brought to attention and betterments that can be made. I think these are the changes that can and do happen over time. I am certainly not the person I was many years ago and so I can see most definite changes in me - things I have brought about myself and things that just happened.

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I agree that people can "change," but it depends on what the change is. Being "bitchy" is quite different than wanting to sleep with another partner when you're married.

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I agree that people can change. Somewhat. Some times. But probably not as I see this situation described, although I don't know that for sure.

In any case, the lady here doesn't seem to be aware of any need for change.

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trust and marriage
There is such a thing called "Emotional Infidelity" that may play a part in this. More study has been given to relationships outside of the marriage where "needs" that are integral to a marriage are not being met by the spouse. There is actually a book on the topic out now titled "Emotional Infidelity", you'll find it on Amazon. What's important here is that she is expressing that these other men (man) have something that you do not (or atleast that she is perhaps not noticing or you are not expressing). If it continues, without discussion, you will continue to feel worse about yourself and about your marriage. What is she noticing about this other man? What qualities do you have that he does not? Letting resentment build is not the answer. Perhaps a professional counselor could help both you and her express yourself in way that's more clearly heard. This is obviously affecting you and your relationship, this needs to be addressed even if she feels it's no big deal. It is to you and you matter.

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Wife looking at other men

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