A Friend in Need?

Is there a one size fits all answer? I don't think so. There have been times in my life where my very best friend was a man, other times where it was a woman. More often a man, but I don't think there is a rule.

ehBeth, It wasn't my intent to make this a forced choice type thing. I was simply curious as to whom you would go in times of stress and trouble.

If it's sympathy you want, go to a woman. If it's direction toward solving something, go to a man.

kirsten, I tend to feel the same way, and if it's empathy, either would be good, depending on the situation.

I have always been closer to men than I have been to women for reasons I don't know. I have close women friends, but I have more men friends. It's something I've never been able to figure out.

I think, my dear Montana, that the answer is quite simple. Sheeeze, I need to check out Thoreau again..Simplicity--Simplicity--Simplicity.

Seriously, just as Kirsten suggested, men tend to be more objective and comforting without being the "there--there" type.

I believe there are no boundaries, including gender that limit why people are placed in our path. People who cross my path are usually there to teach me something that applies to my current present. They come contained in many shapes, sizes and genders. I have many, I call best friend. I also find that I am less likely to get close to some, out of my own fears of shape, size or gender. This could be robbing myself of yet another, great best friend.

Morning pages, You have brought to mind a poem that I once read called "Among the Missing". I have never been able to locate that poem, but it suggests exactly what you have said here. The young man in the poem was "...defeated by diffidence..." . What a wonderful friend shy people can become if we would only take the time to stop and look.

It depends on many factors. subject, situation, facts, location. It's not cut & dried. There women I would trust & those I wouldn't. Same with men.
There are bitches & bastards verywhere.
Look, listen, learn. Choose with care with whom you trust. Gender doesn't apply.

Yeah, I've had both male and female close friends. As I seem to say here a lot (are my friends really so anamalous?) I know a lot of men who fit the "female" there-there role better, and women who fit the "male" so what are we gonna do about it role better. (Me included, often.)

But in addition to those kind of personality considerations, there is the kind of stress and trouble. For example, my best friend who is a parent is a man, and I would go to him (and have) with parenting questions/ venting. (We spend a lot of time venting to each other.) But I would never talk to him about marital problems -- would go to another friend (female) for that.

Yes, Oak. It has always seemed to me that men bond better than women, somehow, but I think that's because they understand each other. The lines are more clearly defined.

soz, You mention problems with children, and I understand what you're saying, but I never did have a friend with whom I could discuss my children. I have looked back and tried to ascertain why that was true. I haven't come up with any answers to date, and about marital problems, I can see why you would be discrete about that, but often it's good to find a man with whom you can discuss these things, because you get both the male perspective and the female perspective.

A far away male, yeah. Nearby males it feels a little too fraught. (By the way, not an issue, just as an example of different categories.)

The children thing is not necessarily about problems with, as the whole stay-at-home parent thing. (He's a stay-at-home dad.) Nice to kvetch about the difficulties and frustrations thereof to someone who gets it, and vice versa.

That's interesting about not having a friend who you could discuss children with, by the way. I'm grateful for that. (Not just IRL people but online. YOU and others helped me a ton when sozlet was a baby.)

Really Soz? Well, neat thing, I think it has to do with competition of sorts. My kid's better than your kid--my dog's better than your dog.

Oh! You know what, you have a point there. I have a female mom friend who I didn't even think of for exactly that reason. With dad friend, conversation goes something like this:

Me: Ugh, last night was terrible.

Him: Yeah, us too.

Me: What happened?

Him: Baby kept waking up, and woke up older boy, and they were both really cranky this morning.

Me: Yeah, maybe it was the holiday excitement or something. Sozlet's not sleeping well either. <yawn>


With mom friend:

Me: Ugh, last night was terrible.

Her: Cindy has been sleeping so well lately!!

Me: Oh, that's nice.

Her: You have to make sure they don't have any sugar after 6:00 PM.

Me: Sozlet doesn't...

Her: [A mutual friend] gives her kids SO MUCH sugar, it's awful.

Me: Uh-huh.

etc.

(Exacerbated by the fact that I find out later in another context that Cindy in fact HASN'T been sleeping well...)

Love it, Soz:

I was trying to coach a group of kids to sing at an annual event in Virginia. Two of the kids were my good friend's children.

She said: All right. They've practiced enough. (going over and putting her arms around HER children)

My kids looked at me in surprise as if to say, "I don't get it."

I understood exactly what she meant. Her kids were perfect, and needed no more practice. Mine, on the other hand would never get it right.

I've had both male and female 'best' friends and I think it depends on the person. One of my best friends a male, is not gay and continues to give me the best touchy feely advice and support. He is all about sensitivity. I now myself I'm far more pragmatic and people come to me to get things done not for the weepy things.
So I don't know if it's a gender thing at all.

Hey, Ceili, As I told ehBeth, It's not meant to be "choose one or the other on peril of your life", it's meant to be a simple rumination or perhaps a predilection. Hey, gal. If you'd quit being such a gypsy.....

But, you're on target, Ceili, Sensitive men--people who write--people who create, are beautiful to know. Guess that's the teacher coming out in me.