My girlfriend is a widow, became unsure of what she wanted and finished with me....

Big Col
Reply Mon 18 Apr, 2011 04:59 am
I am Colin, I am 39 (nearly) and I am really struggling and having a difficult time right now....

I've been or was going out with my current girlfriend for almost 2 years, in fact it would of been our 2nd anniversary very soon. She has two children who I adore and they get on very well with my own son from a previous relationship.

My girlfriend and her huband were together for over 20 years and she nursed him through his illness until he died at their home. We met and became friends 3 months after her husband had died from cancer, 5 months later after that, something clicked between us, it was electric and we started a relationship 2 years ago, for the most part that has been wonderful. So relatively speaking this is very early doors for her after only being on her own for 8 months before starting a relationship with me.

I've experienced a lot of pain and loss in my life, I also had cancer 10 years ago and have been discharged now, I also lost my Uncle who I was very close to whilst I was having chemopherapy and having experienced a number of significant events in my life such as 2 best friends being killed in action, being in an abusive relationship and dealing with issues regarding my adoption. I've also gone through family courts gaining better access to my son who I have a 3rd of the year. My Father died last year, so I am well used to dealing with life issues and have a better understanding than most.

I sometimes found things hard to deal with, I had no intention of ending the relationship, all I wanted to know occaisionally was if we were going in the same direction? That there can be a photograph of us together in her house. Is that unreasonable after the length of time we have been together? She even raised the subject of getting married!

I can almost fully understand the feelings she may have had, about guilt, that she is sad, that some days are worse than others, significant anniversarys have of course been difficult for her, such has her wedding anniversary, husband's birthday etc. Occaisions such as these I've bought her flowers and cards and been a shoulder for her to cry on and I have cried with her when she has wished to share her experiences, the only thing I have not done is been with her to visit his grave.

She's been on anti-depressants for about a year and I have actively encouraged her to go to councilling which she has, she has come off her medication and it's gone wrong between us or it could be a coincidence, I am not sure, she has become withdrawn, business like, unsure of what she wants.

As regards to the relationship I don't know what's happened. One minute she is always talking about the future and what our future could be which filled me with hope and then she ended it. This was after she became withdrawn again and I said that all I wanted was to know if there could be a future for us one day, is that wrong of me to ask after 2 years? We are both on facebook, she changed her status to "Widowed" when it previously been blank then showing to be in a relationship, and has deleted her pictures of me. It's like she has cut me from her life and I have not existed for the last 2 years.

There was nothing to show that we were in a relationship together at her house, her house has pictures of her and her husband, family photos etc, I had no problem with this, a small photo of us together would make me feel more positive about the relationship. At my house I have multiple pictures of us together as I am proud to be in a relationship with her.We had multiple trips away with our children together, her children are 4 and 14, her youngest draws pictures of me at his nursery, her eldest sleeps over at mine, he is upset about what has happened and still wants to see me, he has a picture of me and him together in his bedroom next to one of his Dad.

Well we had a talk the other night, she does not know what she wants after 2 years, loves me but does not know in which way, wants to re-discover herself, meet new people, try new things. It's destroyed me, 2 weeks ago we were talking about living together.

I've somehow managed to agree to offer staying friends, she then asked what would happen if she met someone and had a drink with them? I said it would not be any of my business and that it would be difficult to deal with but if that's the case it then works both ways.

I told her it's not what I want but I am prepared to have a break and that I hope that she changes her mind in the future.

I laid all my cards on the table, told that I would of found it easier if she had first not built my hopes of a future and marriage etc but could cope with day to for the time being. She was still adament on the break, so I agreed, we also agreed to meet up later on in the summer to see how we feel.

To end it I told her what I felt and that was that she was the only person I had met that I wanted to spend my life with and I had wanted her to be my wife and that I hope one day she changes her mind and I have the opportunity to be her husband...

There has been a few exchanges of text messages, I've sent her flowers which she thanked me for and said that I was a very special person and that we will talk, I could not say what I needed to say when we last talked, I was crying and too upset, so I have written to her explaining how I felt, that I feel that now that I have helped her through a difficult time she no longer wants me or needs me and that the how it has come across is hurtful and unfair. That I hope we can work things out and that all I ever wanted was to feel part of her life and that she made some space for me in her life.We were due to go on holiday this coming week with our children, obviously I am having to go on my own with my son, we were all so looking forward to it.

I have no hope now, just have been kicked into touch, I am distraught, I could not stop crying talking to her, but she just seemed so calm and professional about the whole thing, who says that men are less emotional then women? Was I wrong to write to her and send flowers? I could not get my point of view across any other way.....

I feel hurt, used, angry in a sense, disgusted, I have emotionally invested in her, she made me promise when we got together not to give up on her when things got difficult, but now she has given up on me. I've felt a bit low recently about my Dad and this affect my confidence in a lot of areas including sexually which is not normally me, all I wanted was a bit of support and understand, is that wrong of me to have expected that after being together for 2 years?

I could really do with some kind words and direction, I am currently lost in the woods...
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