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the ex...the confusion.

 
 
Reply Sun 6 Mar, 2011 02:06 am
my ex and I were together around 3 years ago.
we were at school, and a certain person sent rumors around saying that my ex had cheated on me with them. I didn't explain this to my ex as they were friends and worked together.
It obviously got to me, and I became depressed. Leading the relationship to spiral downward and the break up.
for a year we did not speak.
early last year, they added me on a social networking site and we began speaking again (i had been with other people and so had my ex..although they had not been in a relationship after myself, yet I had been in a relationship after my ex)
since then we have been off and on.
as conflict kept appearing near us.
one min we will talk, the next we will not.
I have no clue whats going on with us, all I know is there is so much conflict going about that its hard for us to be near each other or even speak..
any ideas what to do?


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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 932 • Replies: 13
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Mar, 2011 06:22 am
Why do you want to be around someone who gives you such feelings?

Move on to another set of friends.

Stay away.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Mar, 2011 08:00 am
@proofperch,
Life's too short for such conflict. He's not the right person for you so move on. There are plenty of others that will make you far happier. Seek them out but only after you heel your heart from this.

Somehow when you're young, it feels like there's only one person for you. Trust the voice of experience. This (hurt) too shall pass.
proofperch
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Mar, 2011 12:16 am
@Ragman,
its not that I feel they are the only person for me.
but its the fact that due to so much conflict we are always drifting apart as they do not enjoy conflict, nor do I. Although I (as the female in the issue) seem to be dragged into it more.
Otherwise he and I get along perfectly when we are alone..
thats why I don't understand it all.
I've run out of Ideas to avoid the conflict.
0 Replies
 
proofperch
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Mar, 2011 12:17 am
@PUNKEY,
it isnt him who gives me the feelings.
its the other people getting involved that are causing me to feel terrible.
with him, im actually quite happy.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Mar, 2011 07:09 am
@proofperch,
WHAT other people? parents? friends?

WHY do they cause conflict (trouble?)
proofperch
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Mar, 2011 04:23 pm
@PUNKEY,
friends.
a few people werent very happy about us talking again (or even being together in the first place, im assuming jealousy)
They would constantly yell at me, make up rumors about us, ensure that I had no other friends and all I had was him. I was constantly attacked by certain people. It made me really upset, in which I would argue with my parents more out of stress, causing issues with them and so on and so forth, eventually it got to me so much that the fun was ripped out of mine and his relationship.
recently whenever we've begun talking again (last year) and when we were on the verge of getting back together a girl who I knew and thought was my friend began to spread rumors to my other friends, leading them to not talking to me.
then the entire thing replayed, I got upset and felt terrible all the time because no one would talk to me.
Not all of this is to blame on other people, but it was quite a large problem when we were together and even now!

vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Mar, 2011 02:20 am
@proofperch,
Quote:
a few people werent very happy about us talking again (or even being together in the first place, im assuming jealousy)
Sometimes one person may make up stories or try to break up a relationship out of jealousy. Sometimes this persons attempts has repurcussion for you within the social group that you hang out with. But it is extremely unlikely that multiple people who you consider 'friends' (even if 'of sorts') would be unhappy with you once again talking with your ex without good reason.

Quote:
They would constantly yell at me, make up rumors about us, ensure that I had no other friends and all I had was him.
Yelling at you is a bit extreme. That said, if they don't care about you in eitherwise a good (the majority of cases) or sometimes bad way, there is no reason for them to yell at you.

They did not ensure that you had no friends but him. The friends that you have are largely within your power to make and keep, and if people are leaving your friendship circle, you will have to have a look at what you consider a friend to be, whether you consider them friends, whether they were truly friends, and (if they were true friends) how you contributed to them no longer wishing to be friends with you (the break up of a friendship is never one sided).

Quote:
It made me really upset, in which I would argue with my parents more out of stress, causing issues with them and so on and so forth,
Your friends, and your parents, are allowed to have opinions (I'm sure you've had opinions that differed from others), and even if you disagree with them, you should be respectful of them. Are they saying much the same thing as those people that are 'yelling' at you?

Quote:
whenever we've begun talking again (last year) and when we were on the verge of getting back together a girl who I knew and thought was my friend began to spread rumors to my other friends, leading them to not talking to me.
then the entire thing replayed, I got upset and felt terrible all the time because no one would talk to me.
True friends will always ask you if the rumour they heard was true, rather than judge you on the word of others.

I presume you are quite young? Older people who have left school (where certain friendships can be superficial due to the enforced close proximity of many young people) often get to choose their friends a lot more carefully.
proofperch
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Mar, 2011 03:45 am
@vikorr,
it was really weird.
I was around 15 at the time and i am now 18
its been going on for that long.
the fact with those people were that they were a very tight group of friends.
Because of the argument made when he and I were together (between me and one of my friends) they pretty much believe what any of them would say about me.
the main things were "shes upset with us because we dont approve of him" - I never knew they didnt approve until later on when they started saying why they didnt approve of him.
"She hates all of us" I didnt hate them, nor did I say a bad thing about them.
"shes ditching us for him again" I barely spent time with him while at school (I would just say hi and speak a bit to him) and never said no to hanging out with them after school.
We had issues with me making other friends as they would keep getting into other people's ears telling them 'bad things' about me. which most werent true.
it just got really ridiculous and i barely spoke to anyone throughout the year.
my school was very focused on social instead of schooling. So if one person said something about another, it was INSTANTLY true no matter how ridiculous it was.
My parent's had nothing against him, they would ask me whats wrong a lot and id get annoyed and not want to explain, so it would cause issues.
I did listen to everything they all said, and valued their opinions, until my 'friends' started yelling at me about it all and trying to sink their fake points down my throat. I knew a lot of things one of the girls lied about as she would forget what she said a lot and would make up a completely different story.

Now, with me and him... I guess we both just feel that its going to end up the same way. Even though I am not friends with them anymore. As if they find out, theyll just keep causing more conflict.
He and I speak a bit now, and I would like more. but Its just the fear of people causing issues and stressing us both out thats the problem.
he has school to study for and I have my classes to study for too. (I've left school but I am in uni at the moment)
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Mar, 2011 09:03 pm
@proofperch,
Well it seems there are a few things on the table here. As you can't control what others do, but only what you do, I'll mention mostly things from your side.

Try and learn 'conflict management' skills. Conflict management by the way, is based much more vastly on your attitude towards both yourself and towards others, than it is on the words that you say (no matter what books on the subject tell you) -it is about the care and respect for the other person even while standing up for yourself. It is about being able to listen to and extract the deeper message from others (conflict is rarely just about what is said on the surface) while being able to convey your hopes, dreams, feelings and thoughts. Usually it leads to deeper and richer friendships, though sometimes it will also show you the other person is not worth trying to be true friends with (usually while you are speaking with them, they change and stories and justifications, jumping all over the place).

Secondly, and this is hard for anyone - start learning about who you are, what you want in life, what you seek in a friendship, what your weaknesses are, what your fears are, what your strengths are, and what is important to you. Put energy into those things that are important to you (we do this unconsciously anyway). If you find that you are putting energy into something that is making you unhappy, stop putting energy into it (because we subconsciously put energy into things that are important to us, by putting energy into something that makes us unhappy, we are telling our subconscious that the thing that makes us unhappy is important to us...which can form a vicious, and sometimes self reinforcing, circle)

Quote:
the main things were "shes upset with us because we dont approve of him" - I never knew they didnt approve until later on when they started saying why they didnt approve of him.
"She hates all of us" I didnt hate them, nor did I say a bad thing about them.
"shes ditching us for him again" I barely spent time with him while at school (I would just say hi and speak a bit to him) and never said no to hanging out with them after school..
These aren't the worst things in the world to say about someone else. That said, the way something is said is often many times worse than what is said. Perhaps the way things were said went both ways?
proofperch
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2011 12:58 am
@vikorr,
Yeah I do under stand that. Although, the way things were said.. I never actually said anything to them. Like I would just ignore it all, and if they came to me about it I would then say something, it wouldnt be rudely said or anything all I would say is "I just really don't want to talk about it" or something along the lines of that.
I always listened to what they had to say, but I never wanted to get into anything deeper than what they were saying because I knew their thoughts were just based on lies.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2011 04:16 am
@proofperch,
The way things are said is about much more than tone, volume and pace. It is also about the way you hold your head, your shoulders, and your hands (body language of course).

I guess my point is that most of us feel frustration with others point of view when we feel they are very wrong but they are strongly for their views and they want us to believe their views. This conveys itself in the way we react to their news. Most of us have a hard time just saying 'I hear you, and I disagree' (or things along those lines) as what I see is '......,..'

If it ever happens again, you could try asking how they formed their views : 'how did you come to know that?', or 'did you see this for yourself?', or 'what are your views based upon?' etc.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2011 04:36 pm
Your friends don't like him - I wonder why. You need to really ask them what they don't like about HIM. They could just be jealous because he takes your time and you are moving away from them.

Time to move on from these people who stayed 15 years old.

If you are now attending uni then you will be meeting more friends.

But if so many people don't like him, then you need to listen as to WHY they don't like him. They may have a valid point.

Either find out some facts, or get away from this little group who wants you to stay 15.

proofperch
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Mar, 2011 05:04 am
@PUNKEY,
You see, one girl didn't like him because he took my time and interest.
then the others followed, a lot of them seemed to be unhappy with their own lives at the time, and forgot that the business that was going on between me and him was between us, and not the rest of them.
A lot of people think there is more to it (people I've spoken to) but all I get out of them is "he hurt you in the first place" although, they only seem to have a problem with him when he and I talk, otherwise theyre all talking to him like normal.
I've left them all behind right now, I havent spoken to them in ages.
I'm just hoping he and I can repair all of this now..
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