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Tue 8 Feb, 2011 03:37 pm
I am dating a man who lost his ex-wife 3 years ago yesterday. Let me clarify, he and she were married for 30 years. He had an affair and left the marriage. They both would get into different relationships but end up seeing each other on/off. For seven years they were divorced, she became ill. He moved in with her to take care of her. She passed away two years later. He calls her his wife and considers himself a widow. (I guess that is just splitting hairs)
About me, I am divorced (my choice) after 20 years of marriage. I was divorced one year when I met him.
6 months after her death I was introduced to him by his daughter (with whom I worked with at that time). They have two daughters, ages 29 and 32. The 32 year old was simply, by my assessment , best friends with her mother - they did everything together. I was told early on in the relationship how wonderful she was, how beautiful she was, how her smile radiated a room and lots of other wonderful comments. I was told by their friends, she would have loved me and her and I would be friends (of course if I wasn't dating her man).
After 6 months, my lease was up, he asked me to move in with him. I did. He had two homes, one for lease and the other to live. The home was decorated by her and everything was about their 30 plus years of life together. Since my divorce, I took minimal items from my home and marriage. Thus, when I moved in with him the majority of stuff was his/hers/theirs.
We moved into the lease home to start a new life together. Most of the "stuff" came with us, but I put my flare on things, however the pictures came too! Dawning her picture on the refrigerator was hard for me. After a year, I told him that I couldn't bear opening the refrigerator to see her picture, every day. It was moved, but noticed by their kids. My friends and my kids thought it was rude of him to have it there. I was told that I didn't need to be insecure or jealous.
I am a very patient, kind and unselfish woman. I have been very giving in this relationship. I am close to my bf's grandkids. The 32 year old daughter insists on bringing her deceased mother up as much as possible, will have meltdowns occasionally. I try to be supportive, tell her I'm sorry, but honestly I have never lost anyone close to me, not a sibling, a parent or even grandparent for that matter. I am never disrespectful.
It is 3 years yesterday, the girls and their dad (my bf) spend each anniversary together of her death. The Fourth of July is her birthday. I am reminded each year that she loved fireworks, well I do too! Then there are the holidays.
If I bring up how I feel, I am told that I shouldn't be jealous, shouldn't be insecure, that I am with him now and he is happy. Frankly, I sometimes think I am the only one who is giving everyone the time to grieve, let her pictures stay up, let them bring her up whenever. It's not that I don't want them to mention her name on occasion, but all the pictures, stories, etc. I'm not sure how to handle it any more.
Will this go on forever? How long is long enough?
hi ginger - welcome to A2K
There have been other posts about this topic. One woman is fighting the same thing after 17 years after the death. Her man is not ready to move on.
Can I say that
1) 3 years is not very long after losing a wife, mother. Everyone grieves differently. Did anyone attend grief counseling in this family?
2) sometimes the deceased is raised to an "idol" level. These people are not letting her be human; they have raised her up to perfection.
3) men don't do "house cleaning" things anyway, and it's so easy to just let things "be". Whether that is laziness, indifference or clinging to the past, we don't know.
4) kids - especially daughters - are not ready for their mother to be replaced. Keeping her "perfect" assures that you will never measure up or take her place or be good enough for their dad. Unless he says something to them, things won't change.
If I were you, I'd step back. He needs to miss YOU and want YOU to be around.
Take a break from him - and them. Move out, if you can. See if he calls you back.
@ginger5,
May I suggest that you ask your boyfriend to make a shrine to his deceased wife? By that I mean a place where he can hang her photos that is private to him, where he can go when he wants to remember her.
It is only right that you build a home together, and that means contributing to the 'spirit' of the house - the 'character' or 'essence' that makes a house a home. It is also fair enough that he have memories of her around the place, so a good compromise is a shrine that is his.
In this way you are not being 'jealous' of her - you are recognising her importance in his life, and you are also asserting your right to build a home together with your man...to contribute to the spirit of your life together...to have a shared anchor that feels of 'home'.
In relation to his daughter, may I also suggest that you no longer say that you are sorry - just listen to her quietly and be there for her. Sympathy after this long perpetuates the grieving process, whereas you can be quietly and compassionately there for her (if you choose to be so).
In relation to favourite things they used to do together - while some of those things are things you also enjoy donig...start building things with them that are uniquely you. Eventually you will also be able to build memories with them that their wife/mother also enjoyed, but to start, it may be best not to 'fight' on that front - build your own unique you with them.
@PUNKEY,
I really appreciate your insight. No one attended grief counseling, I've encouraged all of them to do so, but he states he doesn't need it.
Yes, I agree with the "idol" comment.....she has been placed on a pedestal
I seriously have no desire to become the girls mother. I have simply tried to be their friend. I know they both think and feel she was perfect. An angel.
As Punkey said, there are other stories like this - it seems very common. I think you moved in with him too fast, ginger5. Men seem to want to hook up soon after they're on their own but they're not always ready, emotionally, to do that. Given all these examples on here, I know I wouldn't be rushing into a relationship with a widower. Only you know what you should do. I wish you all the best.
@vikorr,
I created an area for him to have pictures. I just wondered if eventually they will be put away?
I do need to create my own way of doing things. Appreciate your insight.
@Mame,
Thanks Mame. I do think it was too soon.
@ginger5,
No, they probably won't be put away. Please don't ask him to.
However, WHERE they are placed does change. As time goes on, they get moved around and then end up in a less prominent place in the home.
But this should be the last of your worries, dear. He seems stuck in his grief and unless he gets some help, he won't be able to move on and love again.
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