Been There Done That

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I Googled for exactly this discussion so I hope someone can help me understand or lead me into the decision I must make very soon. I lost my first husband to Cancer 30 yrs ago when he and I were only 20 yrs. old. My SO lost his wife to a drunk driver 17 yrs ago both in early 40's. I am now 49 and he is 62. My dilemma is that although he is wonderful and I do want to move into his home that he shared with his former wife, he absolutely refuses to remove he and his wifes wedding picture as well as the favorite pic. of his wife. I have no problem in moving the picture to a different room or hang it with his families photos on the wall, but he is adament in not removing the photos. I can no longer sleep or anything else in that room as it is still her room and not to be mine. Do I have any options in this relationship or should I move on and mend my broken
heart. As a footnote, we both remarried and divorced our spouses and I consider myself a divorcee now but he tells everyone he is a widower?

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@Christa Gunn,

Quote:

Do I have any options in this relationship

The only options you have are those he decides to give you. In this case, he is choosing to make a stand on the issue of his deceased wife's pictures staying where they are. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, move on.

I don't think either one of you is wrong for the position you are taking. I can understand where he is coming from. Yet, I think if he is truly ready to move on, then he would be willing to compromise and move the photo out of the bedroom. But he may feel that doing so he is leaving her behind or maybe besmirking her memory. Who knows. But it sounds like he is adament and so you will either be the one to give in (why not be the person to cede this point?) or you will need to move on without him.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

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@Christa Gunn,

I would tell him that he is clearly not ready to commit to your relationship and that you will not be moving in - or even staying the night - until the photos are out of the bedroom. I think if you make such a big step as to move in with him then you have a right to your own room and shouldn't have to share one with her.

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Photos of the dead spouse in the bedroom - and there's someone else in the "marital bed"??
Oh No - that's not right.

INSIST that he re-do the bedroom. New paint, new bedspread, new bedding. Change the furniture around.

If he can't do that, then YOU move on because HE has not moved on.

PS I am a widow. I don't have ANY pictures in my bedroom of anyone.

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Let me get this straight: he became a widower 17 years ago, was married
and divorced in between, and he still has pictures from his diseased wife
in the bedroom and insists on keeping it that way?
This would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Perhaps it was for his now
divorced wife too.
There is a time to mourn and there is a time to let go...

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I'd have more of a problem with his adamant stance than the pictures (because it says he's being insensitive to your feelings), but the pictures would bug me, too. Maybe you guys could sell both houses and buy one together that's just yours?

By the way, why did he get divorced?

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As a widow, I can attest to just wanting to let things be as they were. My husbands hats are still hanging on the wall in the utility room.

And I think men are worse about this than women.

It takes courage to take down "that picture on that wall."

But eventually, it HAS to be done.

I don't know if this guy is stuck in grieving, lazy, indifferent, cheap, or digging in his heels about change in his life

She can help him re-decorate, but if he WON'T do it, then she must move on.

My experience with widows/widowers is that they handle this as well as they handled things BEFORE the death. They were divorced. He may have guilt or anger or sadness about that, then the death exascerbated it all.

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@PUNKEY,

Punkey, it's been 17 years since his wife died.

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@CalamityJane,

I have to reread that - I was unclear on when they both had been married and divorced with 'spousal' death happening at what point in that..

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@ossobuco,

I'm only a divorced person, not a widow, though I am friends with him (friends of sorts, a continuity in life thing, we talk once every few months.) I may put his photo up in my hallway gallery one of these days - haven't so far and it's been a dozen years - but the wall is pretty crowded. I do have a drawing I did of him up, that I did a million years ago. But hey, not over my bed.

It occurs to me I could have an old lovers' rogues gallery - I could do that when I get rid of the still in sequence albums I have that no other human is interested in.
Picturing my cousins' kids (now in their forties) seeing them and being shocked..

Ok, back to being serious. This photo thing would bother me too. That combined with his calling himself a widow seeming as a defining statement.

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