Friends, Romans and Citizens,

I return amongst you battered, bruised and truly sorry for the outrage caused. As well as the crack in the space time continuum.
If you are waiting for me to ?'spill the beans', ?'dig the dirt', ?'tell it like it is' such as;
They came for me early one morning, the door went in and there they stood there like a scene from ?'Men in Black' I was taken to their headquarters in Beverly Hills, between Santa Monica and West Hollywood.
There I was subjected to the cruellest form of interrogation, they played a loop of, ?'Have a nice day, have a nice day
' Well, I took as much as I could stand, but after seven seconds, I was at breaking point. "Who were you working for?" the big one said, I could take no more, "it was not me, it was a RELATIVE" Was this planned? They demanded. "No it was on a WHIM and a prayer, I cried". "Did you use a secret password?" They yelled. "Oh no, I used MY OWN USERNAME" I said.
How they demanded, "did you get into the main system; did you use the power line?" "No" I said "I used A DRIAN". They turned the tape off and offered me a glass of champagne. "Leave the MAGNUM" I said, "Now when do I get to make my phone call?" "Oh no" They said "That was what caused the trouble in the first place". "Well what about my rights? Where is my Miranda?
Then in she came ?'sex on legs' Then, the next morning after a night of romance ?'Miranda' pulled off his wig and disguise and there stood
(censored) de (censored) " Your trouble tryagain is, you need far more Ram if you want to improve performance". With that, I took off my disguise to reveal my true identity. "Oh my God" He yelled "you are (censored) I have never seen such a (censored) you make me (censored)"
With that he put a electronic tag around my neck and left. So, I am sort of on ?'probation' and every time he presses Ctrl+Alt+Delete, I get 220 volts through the bolt in my neck. My problem is; I am beginning to like it.
However if this is what you were expecting me to tell you, forget it. Only the good die young. I on the other hand will just smell bad and rot.
Having said that, did anyone miss me? Ok, did anyone notice I was ?'in jail'? Food parcels?, Red Cross? What the heck, like Dracula It's good to be back.
Whim, It was good to see you kept going.
"There are 112 head. This is true because it's documented. There are 43 four-legged animals and 69 two-legged animals. They must have miscounted because for there to be 297 legs at least one animal must have one leg."
There are 69 bipeds and 43 four-legged animals. If all animals were four-legged, the officer would have counted 448 legs, not 310. Obviously 138 legs are missing, hence 69 subjects are bipeds.
It's worth pointing out that, within the bipeds, there are 13 stilt birds, which include flamingos and storks. The cook must have counted them as they were standing on one leg only, so whilst he is not crazy, he almost drove the customs officer mad.
Guilty or Innocent?
A General of Pania's army was facing a court martial. The accusation was brought forth that a Panian soldier had killed an unarmed civilian in an opposing army. The General was considered responsible for the conduct of all his commands.
The defence had built its case on the possibility that a Panian civilian vigilante had killed the civilian. But as it happens, during the war all soldiers (80% of the populace) wore red uniforms, and all civilians (the remaining 20%) wore green. A single witness of unquestionable character had positively confirmed that the killer was in red. Other facts emerged that eliminated the possibility of a fake uniform, or tricks of the light.
It looked quite bad for The General, until under cross examination it was revealed that the witness was somewhat color blind. Carefully controlled tests determined that the witness could correctly tell red and green apart with only 85% accuracy.
The General smiled smugly, knowing that under court martial rules, he could only be convicted for his officers' conduct if guilt was established with 95% certainty. The defence rested.
The prosecution's lawyer stepped up and addressed the Panian Jury. What was his response
On a lighter note, whilst in LA I picked up a few ?'riddles' they are a play on words, some you may find amusing.
Why doesn't Sweden export cattle?
Why is a barefoot boy like an Eskimo?
Why is a mouse like hay?
Why is a shirt with 8 buttons so interesting?
Why is an inexpensive dog a bad watchdog?
Why is Ireland so rich?
Why was the Lone Ranger poor?
Why is Saturday night important to Julius's girl friend?
Where does the sandman keep his sleeping sand?
Where were the first French fries made?
Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had?
Why did the tree need less sunshine?
Why do people feel stronger on Saturdays and Sundays?