We both cheated, but my wife needs help now!

Hello,

My story is not necessarily typical.

I'm 28 and my wife is 23, we've been married for 1,5 years. I'm from an Eastern European country, and my wife is from USA. We met at a Christian college in US where we both graduated from, and then married after about a year of dating.

The story begins with my wife choosing me and loving me wholly and utterly, I have tears in my eyes when I read the notes and letters she had sent me before we got married. She approached me shortly before I graduated and left to Europe, and told me that she was in love with me. It was hard to believe that she was serious, as alot of girls liked me in College, but none would consider a serious relationship with me for one particular reason - I was going back to an underdeveloped country and was planning on helping and ministering to people there and around the world. This is not an American Dream life that so many dreamt of in the 4th wealthiest County in US (where my college was).

So my future wife did consider a serious relationship with me in spite of my plans. I highly respected that, and slowly started to believe that she really was serious. She came to (edit) before we were married, and seemed strong about surviving here. She was an amazing person, and still is, I respect and love her, even after everything we have gone through. My feelings towards her, and our path towards each other was not as romantic as it could have been. We didn't have a romantic engagement, which she was really disturbed by. She had an idea of coming back from her visit to Europe engaged - because everyone expected her to. While I wasn't necessarily ready for that, I wanted to take things slowly, to make sure she knows what awaits her in life... We did it anyways, she came back with a ring, and I felt little rushed, but never really regretted my choice… After all, we had a wonderful wedding ceremony and a long honeymoon in Costa Rica.

When the married life started, everything seemed fine. We both were novices in sex. My wife was a virgin while I had couple of sexual encounters at 25 years old (which I regretted and hadn't told her about, so she thought I was a virgin too). We didn't know how to make sex fulfilling, and I didn't try hard enough. I would compare her to my previous girlfriends who would have perfect bodies and all of that - which wasn't helpful at all to my psychological acceptance of her looks. She is really beautiful in every way - I just didn't see it.

As an outcome of this - she wasn't satisfied with me sexually, and rightfully so. I would think of her as of a daughter and friend, and not a lover that I desperately wanted. I didn't show enough affection as I should have, and I treated her like a child far too often.

I was frustrated with her always being unsatisfied and complaining so much. Being in different country was a trial in itself for her, as she didn't know the language, had no experience of married life, and etc. I would try so hard to provide things she wanted. I would work and work, thinking that big things like trips to Paris and thru Europe will make her happy, while she apparently wanted small things like love notes, affection and admiration from me...

It is no question to me that I genuinely love her and always had - it's just she didn't feel loved and soon fell out of love with me.

Recent Past_____________________________________

About 3 months ago (8/2010) my wife started talking about wanting to experience a relationship with another man, just because she never had a boyfriend except for me. She was honest with me about her desires. I was trying to be understanding and would talk to her about it. She would say that she just needs to feel the rush of being with a boy, and that's all. I had let her do it, it was so foolish as I see it now, but what is done, is done. She registered at a dating site and started chatting and dating… On her profile, she had put that she was looking for one-night stand, so attention to her from men was overwhelming.

She had met with a few that she didn't like too much. She would share almost everything with me at first. Then she met a guy who was generally very gentle at approaching her. She liked him alot, and would have met with him 2 or 3 times until I started freaking out at change in her. She started to talk about questioning her whole direction in life and motives for being with me. She started thinking of leaving for good. Actually, she started thinking about it even before she met her lover (about a month before).

I soon moved out of the house, trying to give her SPACE and TIME that she would repeatedly request by now. I came next day just to find all of our pictures gone from the walls and our bad sheets in the washing machine. I brought her groceries the next day, while she was at work, and found her Journal laying on the bed side. The last 5 or so pages were about her new acquaintances. The latter man was so far the only one who she had sex with - she was blown away by how good and gentle he was. She loved having sex with him and by 2nd or 3rd meeting was questioning herself whether it was possible to "fall in love with someone so quickly". Other pages of her journal were filled with regret and frustration towards me and how I was a better friend and non existing as lover to her. All of this was so overwhelming to me, my heart was beating so fast and I couldn’t stop crying while I was reading her journal. I didn't realize how unsatisfied she was all that time, how lonely and misunderstood she felt... All of this was my fault.

After finding out about all of her secrets, including encounters from half a year ago (not sexual, just promiscuous). I felt remorse and couldn't hold any secrets from her any longer. The same day I told her about my sexual past and that I wasn't a virgin at the time we married. I also told her about cheating on her with a practical stranger while she was away in US for couple of weeks. My cheating was more of a one-night stand, nonetheless it was cheating and I take responsibility for that. It was a big blow for her. She wouldn't speak to me much, and was now much more ready for her escape - which I should have expected.

She would allow me to bring groceries to her, take care of other household chores. She would occasionally go out with me, especially when her new lover wasn't available. He made himself pretty busy for her, which made her want him only more. She was open about her relationship with him, would even tell me what an amazing sex they had every time... Her lover was moving to England soon, and was on the verge of leaving the country for about 2 months. She timed her departure at just about the same time. He became her out-most fantasy, her sunshine...

All that time (2 months) I was trying to fight for her, beg her for forgiveness, give her gifts, letters, flowers almost everyday, be there for her. It all had very little effect on our relationship. She remained cold, yet nice and considerate.

When I was on the verge of emotional break down, I begged her to stop her relationship with her lover, to which she answered that I have no right of making such requests, and that our marriage was over when I cheated on her this summer (7/2010). Only after I threatened her with divorce, she said that she just needs to meet with him one more time - to say good bye. So she did, 5 days before she left (12/2010). She didn't even bring him home, but had a date in town instead...
I felt happy, that she ended it. She said she "won't be seeing him again"...

Another reason I felt like dying, was that I found more of her thoughts written down from a week ago (middle of 11/2010). Most of it was about her lover and how she hoped that there can be something serious between them. It really sounded like she was willing to marry him if HE gave her an opportunity.

PRESENT_________________________________________________

So as of today my wife is in US, staying with her aunt's family. We just talked on Christmas, where I begged her to give us another chance for the 50th time. We finished our conversation crying together, all seemed well, even thou I didn't feel any lighter after talking to her (everything seemed just like it was a month ago)....

Few days ago I received a copy of the receipt email from Ebay.com that signifies her purchase of an old magazine "A. MERRITT'S FANTASY Magazine" that is to be sent to her lover (as a Christmas gift - I presume). She changed her password prior to make a purchase, but forgot to change forwarding option...
I just talked to her on the phone, right after she found out. She was honest and said that she still doesn't know what her feelings are for him. She indicated that she doesn't feel in love with me and need her TIME and SPACE.

I offered the only thing I could to her - Silence. I don't want there to be any contact between us for months. After that I'm sure things will become clearer. Her first reaction was - I won't come back to you after that long... Well, I'm ready for that too, finally ready to end all of this... I do not want to, but if it should - then it must.

Thank you for hearing me out. I would love to hear what you think about this story and about what I should do...