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Mon 13 Dec, 2010 06:20 am
Hey
Im seriously stressed out right now. Like i feel sick. Its about peadophile thoughts. I was on some sites about people having POCD which is having a fear of being a paedophile, which I have, I have extreme OCD, and one link for example was from a girl who gets turned on by the idea of a man sexually abusing a child, and also of being raped. She recieved such a disgusted and outraged reaction it seriously makes me hate myself and makes me realise that others would hate me.
The thing is, when I was younger, like 14/13 read the book about the girl being taken by a peadophile , a girl of about 12 and it 'turned me on' i didnt really know any better. Looking back now, i know its wrong and when i truly think about a man sexually abusing a child i dont get turned on at all, its horrible, i know i would help the child if i was to witness it, there is no way id let someone abuse a child. I have a 1 year old nephew and i would never in a million years hurt him. not ever. or allow anyone else to.
Also, when peadophilia is mentioned i get like a nano second feeling of being turned on, like its just a reaction and then it goes away because i know that im not actually turned on by that, but then i dont know why i get it. I am a virgin and i do have sexual fantasies, but with guys my own age, never ever with a child, because thats just not right! maybe when i was a child i did, which is wierd i know, but i cant help what popped into my brain.
I just dont know what to do. I cant get help beause il be classed as a peadophile because these sexual urges randomly come along with the mention of it. I just dont know what i am.
With the rape thing, that is just a wierd fantasy, which i dont really fantasise about at all, its hard to explain, but i would always help someone if they was in that position and i would never condone rape.
Because ive never had sex i guess i dont see sex as such a huge deal and maybe thats why i feel this way?
Im just seriously scared and disgusted and unsure, and right now im feeling seriously low. Thing is most people could dismiss this, but because of my OCD i obsess over and over again.
I dont know what to do, and im really sorry if you find this really hard to read, i can imagine it must be quite disturbing.
I want to stress i have never and will never hurt a child in anyway. (Although OCD tells me I will, I say screw you OCD)
Note this is not something I want or choose to feel or think about.
Okay, let's back up.
You say that you cannot get help but, actually, that's not true. These are
thoughts. They are not
actions, yes?
People talk to therapists/psychiatrists (I would recommend a psychiatrist in your case because they can prescribe medication, which you may need -- it would be better for you to have the option from the get-go, rather than having to be referred to another specialist) about rape fantasies all the time. They talk about incest. They talk about violent sex. They talk about gay fantasies. They talk about bondage. They talk about, well, anything you can think of as taboo.
All the livelong day.
In the United States, and in many other countries, there is a physician-patient privilege. If you are talking to your doctor about something, it is confidential so long as no one is in danger (e. g. you're not giving away plans to bomb an embassy). You are over 18, so there is no situation where a parent could be told anything.
Bottom line:
- Get help, preferably from a psychiatrist but at least from some sort of therapist
- Talk to this person freely about your feelings. Work on your issues. Don't be afraid of breakthroughs
- If this doesn't work, see #1.
You're gonna be okay.
@unknownbla,
First, you cannot control feelings only actions and that is all you need to do in life. There is no need to feel shame for feelings even feelings that relate to pedophilia. Surly no reason to hate yourself.
It is also my understanding that rapes fantasies are not at all uncommon in women.
In any case, the poster above me is correct you should try to talk to a mental health councilor.
My nonprofessional opinion is that you just have all kinds of hormones flooding your system now that even at 19 you are not yet used to dealing with and that is producing these feelings.
Hey guys.
I just want to say thank you so much for replying and not treating me like a monster.
You are all right you cant help what pops into your head. I honestly cannot thank you enough, advice like this really does help and makes a difference to my life. Thank you all so much.
@Arella Mae,
well i know it is an illness called P-OCD
where you are scared of being a paedophile, so im going to the doctors, although im scared of what they might say or think, i know im not going to ever hurt anyone deep down, ive just got to believe in myself. Thanks again for your help, it takes alot to not simply throw abuse at me!
@unknownbla,
I am far from a psychologist, but it seems to me you are not describing being a pedophile, but a rape fantasy. In your image of a man molesting a child, you are the child, not the man. You also mentioned a rape fantasy directly. If I'm right, I think that is a fairly common fetish, you just have a disturbing twist on it. You might try writing
Dan Savage, the nationally syndicated sex columnist or at least read some of his articles.
@Arella Mae,
Amen to that.
Er, pun partway intended.
Really, we would no more abuse you for this than yell at you for being in deep water if you were drowning.
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