Sat 6 Nov, 2010 03:52 pm
Since i was a child iv suffered from an affliction that at times can take over my life and leave me in despair... worry...
People who have ever suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and constant worry will know what im on about. Its something i would not wish on anyone, the grip it can have on your life can be overwhelming..
I always thought as a child that when i grew up those feelings would go because i was a grown up.. its funny how your mind works when your young. Back then i suppose i worried about the same stuff all kids did, getting in trouble with the parents, scary films, not doing my homework you know the usual.
As i went through my teens my troubles reflected those of a normal teenager, it wasnt untill i reached my early twentys that i started to have suffer panic attacks, a sense of anxiety more often, in times when there was no need to feel anxious.. in my late twentys i became a wreck.. my life was consumed by worry. Death, cancer, going crazy, drinking to much, catching a disease like hiv or cjd these are some of my favorite ones, i was a shell of my former self.. i lost my job, my car, my house and nearly my girlfriend. During this time I began to drink more and more to ease the pain, of course the more i drank(liver cancer worry) the more i smoked (lung cancer worry) and the more i did completly stupid things like sleep with woman behind my girlfriends back just to get a buzz and feel good about myself. I ended up getting into a fight with someone and getting a glass pushed in my face which has left me with bad scarring on my cheek.. its was a vicious circle, id drink to ease the worry and panic, but in the morning the booze would make the anxity worse and i had to deal with the feelings of regret about the things i had done.
My confidence completly went about my looks, the scars were all i could see in the mirror, i walked with my head down and a cap on to stop people seeing them.. I stopped going out, stopped looking for work, stopped living.. i did however increase the drinking and smoking more and more... i became overweight, mentaly unstable, and i think although i never tried it on the edge of suicide. This went on for two years..
Although completly out of control i was still self aware of what i was doing, i knew something had to be done..
**** it i thought, **** it all, get off your arse and get a grip before there is no way back..
I wasnt confident enough to work with people yet face to face so i applied for my taxi licence. i did my test and got my licence.. I went to the doctor and ended up sobbing to him about how i wasnt able to cope anymore, he put me on a course called cpt wich is helping me change my thought patterns and get out of destructive patterns. i made a vow to cut down on the booze and the ciggerettes, and get in a pattern of going to the gym 3 times a week..
Working again gave me a sense of acheiment, the weight started to fall of and i didnt feel the need to drink all the time.. A year on and im doing so much better, everything in my life, my life in general is 100percent better. its not perfect i it never will be, i still sometimes worry about stupid things, i still sometimes for the sake of it go out on a weekend and get pissed, but its me doing this im feel in control. money can still be tight and i still sometimes feel down, but doesnt everyone, after all were only human..
I not sure why i wrote this, maybe it was to try and reach out to anyone who has been through simlar or is going through it now and say dont worry, but if you are going through it, i know like you its a pointless comment..
The only thing i know is i had to make a descion myself to do something about it....
Im not the best at writing things like this and it proberly wont help anyone, but if it has im glad.....
I think you did a fine job in reaching out to others, your writing is clear and to the point. Rest assurred you are not the first person, you have plenty of company. What you are describing is a form of agoraphobia (fear of being out in the public, I believe.
Please tell your doctor of these symptoms so you can at least understand what you have is nothing new. At least you are fighting it. Some people end up never leaving their home. Get some help. There are support groups also to help you understand you are not alone. Check this out with your doctor. Soon. You need help in searching what has caused these attacks. Good luck to you.
I too went through a similar thing about 5 years back, I got slashed in face leaving me with scarring to the cheek. I was very depressed afterwards and wouldn't leave the house as I thought I look deformed. I had panic attacks at parties, even during a wedding ceremony. At times i felt so low that I didn't think anything would pull me through. My fiancé was the only one who saw the extend of my depression and she really pulled me through the bad times. I think you need to be honest with you girlfriend as she is the one who has been there when it matters and probably the one that you have taken it on (I know I did). my scars have faded although not gone, they have in some ways made me thankful for what I have and for who I am. I realised that once I dealt with making me happy again everything else would fall into place, plus the fact that I was told I was going to be a dad. finding out I was going to be dad was the main thing that made me want to change the way I went through life. It's nice to know that someone else knows what i have gone through. You will get there, it's taken me 5 years
Thanks.. means alot... getting there, takes time but feelin better day by day...